Hi everyone, First of all I’ll try to explain my situation. I am a guy and I am 20 years old. I’ve always found the body of men more beautiful and more interesting than those of women. I’ve fallen in love with girls many times and until two months ago this never happened to me with guys. That is why I’ve always said to myself that I would be straight. Although I’ve had doubts concerning my sexuality quite often, I now realize that I never gave myself the chance to really consider the option to be gay. This year at university my situation changed a bit. I’ve met more gay guys and therefore homosexuality has been discussed quite often, which made me doubt again. Two months ago I met a guy and I was really happy to hear him say that he was gay. I still don’t know exactly what is was, but I guess that I’ve fallen in love for him and this time it was more intense than it has ever been before. I’m not sure whether it was more intense than with girls, but I guess it felt more profound or significant. And for the first time I didn’t want to wait to see whether something was going to happen by itself. I woke up in the middle of the night covered in sweat and my appetite was completely gone. This might have been caused by my nervousness regarding my doubts or just by my crush on him, but I think it was the latter haha… Unfortunately, he was not interested in me and luckily those feelings for him disappeared quite quickly. He is still handsome, but I have no longer real intense feelings towards him. However, due to my doubts and my feelings for him, I cannot longer say to myself that I’m straight. The stress and the nerves made me crazy, so I decided to discuss my doubts with two close friends and a few days later I told my parents about it. I’ve told them that I do not know what I feel at the moment and that I’d like to keep both options open for the future. Then there was this period that I didn’t feel anything at all. I couldn’t imagine a future with a girl nor with a guy. I felt empty inside. This feeling has still not disappeared completely, but at times I have thoughts in my head about guys, which I’ve somehow managed to suppress all those years. I don’t know how I did it, but when I look back now, I cannot understand how I’ve denied those feelings for so long. Because lately when I see a nice looking guy walking down the street, I sometimes feel like I want to rip off his clothes haha. I’ve never felt this with girls. However, things like anal sex with guys still feels strange and slightly disgusting. I’ve told some people close to me about my feelings. Although these women don’t think that I behave in a feminine way, most of them somehow always expected it. So, taken this all together I find it quite strange that my feelings didn’t come out earlier… I have no sexual experience with girls nor guys, so unfortunately, I cannot look at this to compare my feelings for both sexes. I’ve never been against homosexuality or gay guys, but for myself I really have a hard time accepting it. I don’t want to say that I could never fall in a love with a girl again, but I don’t thinks it is a very realistic possibility. I find girls pretty, but not really attractive. I’ve always preferred (since I was a little kid already I guess) the appearance and the body of men. Despite my crushes on girls I’ve never really looked at women and for example when I’m walking outside I’m looking at men and not at girls. But I find it strange that I’ve never liked gay porn with two guys, because I’ve always thought it was revolting and disgusting. So I’ve tried to deny these thoughts and when I watch it now, I still have mixed feelings, but sometimes I really like the intimacy between the guys and I guess it touches me more deeply than straight porn. Moreover, I’ve looked so many times at videos with solo guys in it, so I don’t think that you can call that very straight haha. I don’t like the ‘gay scene’. I don’t see myself going to these clubs and I don’t like those ‘feminine’ guys who behave in an exaggerated way all the time. It frightens me a bit where I’m going to meet a more masculine gay guy then, but I guess I should not worry about that now… So if I’m very honest to myself I think that I could say for 99% sure that I’m gay. However, I really have a hard time accepting it. I cannot find that self-acceptance, which I would love to have. My friends and parents all respond very positively, so that is not the problem. Somehow, I just cannot get used to the idea of me being gay. I think that I’ve always wanted to cling to the “standard image” with a wife (and children) and it was quite a shock to see this image collapse completely. During my crush I was really happy haha, so I had less problems with accepting it. But those feelings are almost over and now I start to feel strange again. For myself it feels unnatural to be gay and I ask myself why it couldn’t be possible to feel this with a girl… At certain moments I feel empty, nervous and tensed inside and the other moment I feel extremely happy that I finally understand what was bugging me all those years and that everything is clear now. So my feeling are all over the place I guess. I might sound very depressed now, but that is surely not the case. It is getting way better than in the beginning. I understand my feelings better know and I like the fact that everything is quite clear for myself now. However, I don’t understand why that self-acceptance stays away. My parents and friends don’t have problems with it, so why can I not accept it myself? I know that being ‘normal’ doesn’t really exist, but I would love to have had a ‘mainstream’ future with a girl. I’ve read on this site that this is probably the period of grief where I’m going through. But I hoped that after acknowledging it and telling my friends and parents about it, that I could accept it for myself. And just go on with my life. I don’t mind if it would feel uneasy for some time. But there are days that I cannot concentrate myself due to these nervous and mixed feelings and I really need my time and concentration for school I know that there are some students’ psychologists at my university, but I don’t think that would be very useful. I think there is not much more to say about my feelings or situation. I’ve already told friends and now here, but that relief is always temporary. I think that it just needs time, but I don’t really have that time at the moment haha… I don’t know, do you think visiting someone could be beneficial? Sorry for this rather long story, but I would like to hear your opinions and experiences. Do you think there is still a possibility that I’m bisexual? Or did I somehow talk myself into these ‘feelings’ for girls I had in the past. Did I might do this as denial? Do some guys recognize this problem with self-acceptance? How long did it take you to feel as yourself again and to feel ‘happy’ or at least neutral again? Many thanks :icon_bigg !
Sorry for my double post. Yesterday, I recreated this topic, because I didn't see the message that it needed approval of a moderator. So this topic can be deleted.
Hi! So I would really love to give you some advices but we're in a different path, okay so here it goes. The only way to find if you're bi is be sexually attracted to both sexes like really. For the feelings I dont know since I can't manipulate myself into liking someone so you're the one who can nswer that. Denial? Maybe or maybe not. But ask yourself why are you in denial. So yeah the only key is acceptance and not giving f*** about what people think I did became happy when I didn't make a big deal about it, like I don't force myself. Just go with the flow, maybe one day you'll find the answer. Goodluck!
So, various thoughts here. Reading through your post, you seem to have several misconceptions about what it means to be a gay man. These may be fueling some of your distress or mixed feelings. Let me see if I can help you with those Anal sex is not a required activity if you are gay, although this is a common misconception. Some guys like it a lot, some don't care for it at all, and many fall somewhere in between - such as only doing it with someone they really care about or only when in a serious relationship or the like. The bottom line is that if you don't want to do it, no one is going to make you. There are lots of other activities that two guys can do together that you might find more appealing at this early stage (e.g., oral, mutual masturbation (in various forms), body contact, kissing, etc.) If you eventually change your mind and are curious about trying it later, that's fine too. There are entire threads and resource pages on EC and books available online on how to have a good anal experience if and when you get there. There are lots of different 'types' of gay men and many don't behave in any sort of feminine fashion. As such you probably won't notice them unless they tell you they are gay. The media is really no help here since they play to the lowest common denominator most of the time and a gay character who is masculine generally doesn't fit the narrative the media has decided it wants to tell. I once had some female co-workers tell me they could tell I was gay because if/when they entered my personal space I would move away from them (not leap across the room or anything, but just unconsciously put more space between us). They said a straight guy would move closer or not move at all. So maybe you've been doing something like that. Different people like different things. I find most gay porn (and most straight porn for that matter) to take way longer than it needs to to get to the parts I'm interested in and I like solo videos as well. So do lots of other guys presumably since porn is a business and they aren't going to spend money making stuff that people don't want to watch. The 'gay scene' is more like a cineplex, with lots of different 'scenes' all going on at the same time. Again, different people like different things and/or don't like to do the same thing all the time. Not sure exactly what you mean by the 'gay scene' here exactly. Can you clarify, please? As far as feminine guys are concerned, some guys are naturally masculine, some guys are naturally more fem and some guys fall somewhere in between. The fem guys can't help being the way they are any more than you can. You are certainly free to be attracted to whomever you like, but should always treat everyone with respect regardless of how fem or masculine they may be. You might find that some fem guys make really good and loyal friends even if you have no interest in sleeping with them. There are lots of masculine gay guys around, you just don't see them because they aren't obvious about it. There are various ways of meeting various types of guys and I'm sure you'll figure it out (with help from EC if you want it) when you're ready to go there. What does being 'gay' mean to you when you imagine it? You can still have a spouse and children. Except that your spouse will be a guy and your children will either be adopted or birthed via surrogacy. You'll get to the acceptance stage eventually, it just takes time. And it's something that comes from within you, not just from telling others, I'm afraid. That certainly helps, but if you told them in the same spirit of (for example) telling them you think you might have cancer or discovered a genetic predisposition toward diabetes or something in your old age, you probably wouldn't expect to just accept it the moment you told them about it. Being gay is certainly not a negative like these examples (it can actually be a lot of fun ) but in your current mental/emotional state that is perhaps closer to what you are feeling about it. I suppose it's possible you're bisexual. But regardless you do seem to have some pretty strong feelings for guys (fantasizing about ripping their clothes off, for example). Most of your stress (based on what you've written so far) seems to be resulting from feeling that by being attracted to guys you are 'losing' several things that you placed great value in. This needn't be the case and perhaps accepting that will help you in this area. Beyond that, you don't seem to have strong specific feelings about what the negatives of liking (or having sex with) a guy would be. Perhaps you could just explore your feelings and learn more about what being 'gay' actually is like (talking too folks here on EC is a good start) and maybe eventually moving to the point of trying something with a guy and seeing how you feel about it? Just some thoughts, Todd
Totally agree with this. It takes some time to accept yourself. It varies from person to person. To me this phase lasted no more than a few weeks. For some it takes years, even decades to accept themselves. My advice is to not let it bother you. If you get an oportunity to go out with a hot guy, do it! Explore yourself, experiment. That's how I did it. As for the gay porn part. I felt like you as well. As of now I'm very picky about it. I like it when there is passion between the actors and not just animal-like action. Japanese adult comic books have a lot of stuff, relevant to my interests. Chill,don't worry about it, things will settle down with time. I assure you! (*hug*)
What about straight or lesbian porn? Do you like those? If not, my guess is that you just aren't into porn, period.
Don't worry about the fact that you've taken till 20 to realise you're gay/probably gay, it's taken me till the age of 30 and nearly 11 years of marriage to come to the same conclusion. Accepting yourself is hard, especially when so many of us have a certain degree of homophobia ingrained from the year dot. It took me a long time to admit to myself that I'm gay. I'd fantacise about being with a woman, and look at lesbian porn, but I still wouldn't admit that I was a lesbian. Sounds like you've started down the road to self acceptance though. Things will get easier, especially as you have the support of your friends and family. Just take it easy and go with the flow, things will work themselves out.I was saying to my husband last night, it's so difficult coming to terms with being gay, because you can't just turn your mind inside out, scrape out all the negative homophobic bull shit you've been equiped with, disinfect it and put it back inside your head. You just have to find a way to work through all the rubbish and replace it with positives. It does get easier though, so try not to worry, as hard as it sounds. It's a big adjustment for your mind, it takes time but you'll make it.
First of all, many thanks for all the replies. I really appreciate it. Yes, I’m probably still having misconceptions about being gay. Accidentally, I’ve posted the same topic twice, but in the other topic someone has advised me to start looking at two boys together but not in a hardcore pornographic way. Just hugging or kissing or something like that. I’ve always looked at straight porn or solo boys. But with straight porn I guess I’ve always been focusing on the guys in it. When I looked at lesbian porn or solo girls, it felt like something was missing. For me it felt boring I guess. Moreover, when a straight movie starts with a girl for the first five minutes, I always forwarded it, so that the guy became visible… I guess I have never really looked at the girls in the movies. At times when I really wanted to watch something, a good looking girl just wouldn’t do it for me. In such cases I preferred a solo guy. When I had a crush on a girl I still didn’t have that feeling that I wanted to rip her clothes of. Although I had sexual fantasies about her, that physical attraction that makes you horny wasn’t really there. I always feared how that was going to work for me if a relationship would have come out of it. Would she make me hard? And would my desire to see naked guys go away? Probably not haha. (Fortunately), I’ve never had a relationship, so I’m not sure whether it would work with a girl, but I guess it wouldn’t feel complete. The question about me liking porn. Yes I still like it, but not as much as a few years ago. I probably start looking it when I was way too young. I guess the first time was when I was 10/11 years old. Looking back now I started with looking at pictures of naked guys. Then it became movies like straight porn or solo guys. Like I said, I never really felt the desire to look at naked girls or a lesbian couple. Haha it feels like nothing is really happening on the screen when I watch that type of porn. When I went to university, which is 2.5 years ago now, my interest changed again. That hardcore straight porn became boring and was not really appealing anymore. Since then I only liked movies with a straight couple who were really passionate, so not that hardcore feeling. I know that that passionate feeling is still acted most of the times. However, passionate sex is the only thing that really appeals to me now. A few months ago I saw to guys kissing on television and that really hit me. I guess it hit me in a deeper and stronger way than for example a straight couple kissing. However, I didn’t think much of it so I more or less denied it and forgot it. When I started doubting again two months ago I wanted to try if gay porn would appeal to me. I’ve always found it ‘disgusting’ and unnatural. The first times when I watched a couple, I couldn’t look at it. A few days later I searched for a more softporn video. The kissing and touching of the two guys really hit me. For me it felt more powerful, passionate and it hits me deeper inside. I still don’t know how to explain it completely in English haha , but it feels more profound. Like I want to be intimate with a guy myself in this way. When they go further like oral sex and especially anal sex, it still feels strange and not appealing. Sometimes I like it, but on other moments it feels slightly disgusting again. Like I shouldn’t like this and then it feels so unnatural again. I guess it is still my denial ‘mechanism’ and the result of the all the years that I have said to myself that I wouldn’t like to be intimate with a guy and that I cannot fall in love with them. Or maybe hardcore gay porn just doesn’t do it for me Or maybe I've seen too much porn haha:eusa_doh: @AkTodd: I’ve read before that not all gay people like anal sex. I don’t know it yet. I guess when I meet somebody who I really like that it would feel more natural and then everything might feel completely different. However, when I see a handsome guy walking I don’t really have ‘hardcore’ sexual feelings, but with girls neither. I guess I need to find the right person first… Like I said in my previous message, sometimes it feels like that I want to rip their clothes off when I see a handsome guy walking. When I think of my future now, I most of the times do imagine it with a guy. Although I still cannot image all the parts of a sexual relationship for myself, it feels more desirable to be intimate with a guy. It feels more exiting. I guess everything is falling into place little by little. Imagining gay for me means two contradicting views : Like I said I’ve never had problems with other gay people and I almost respect everyone haha. But longtime for me being gay consisted mostly of those stereotypic thoughts. Till this year I didn’t know many gay guys. The once I did know, behave in a really feminine ( I guess it’s called ‘queen’ish) way. And I didn’t want to be part of this group, so this is one of the reasons for my long denial, I think. This year my opinion changed quite a lot. I met various others and of course not all of them behave in that way. Many of them are really friendly, but still I don’t feel a click with any of them, except for my previous crush haha, but even our interests are completely the opposite I guess…. This is probably due to the courses I’m attending at the moment. It attracts more those artistic people who like art and literature etc. With most of the girls I don’t feel a click as well, so I guess those are just not my type of people… But this is probably why I never wanted to see myself as gay, because I cannot relate with the gay guys I know. Like you said AKTodd, I do realize that there are many gay guys who don’t behave in this way and who don’t stand out, but somehow I never get to meet them haha Or I didn’t know, that could be possible as well haha… With gay-scene I meant those gay clubs and gay pride parades. I’ve never been there, but from what I’ve heard, those places are mostly visited by guys who behave very exaggeratedly. At this point I do not see myself go to those places. I mean, I wouldn’t go to straight parties or straight parades either. I don’t want to focus on my sexuality in that way… But maybe my opinion about this will change as well… But at this moment my opinion and thoughts about being gay are still changing… More and more it just feels like being happy with a guy in the same way as I imagined it with a girl. Furthermore, I more and more feel like I want to do something with it, so not that passive behavior I’ve always had with girls. So I guess I’m still making progress haha and that self-acceptance will eventually come. When I think about having a future with a nice guy, I feel quite happy. However, sometimes my denial starts again and all those stereotypic / homophobic thoughts come back again, which make me feel disgusting again… Then I ask myself why can it not feel the same with a girl… In my country it is really accepted, but when I think of what others will think when you walk publically in love with a boyfriend, it feels strange again. But like you guys said, I shouldn’t worry about that… It is getting better and better, so I guess it only will take some more time to fully accept it. Maybe I will be able to fully accept it when I meet the right guy… Well meeting new guys frightens me a bit… I mean where will I meet those masculine gay guys, if I don’t want to go to clubs? In the past 20 years I’ve never met another gay guy, with whom I felt a click. I guess internet dating or those smartphone gay apps are the best alternative, but for me this feels quite superficial. I don’t know if you can say it like that in English, but especially those apps feel like a meat inspection focusing mainly on sex date haha … I guess I prefer meeting people in real life, because you can get an impression of the other person.. But maybe I should give it some time. It has only been two months ago now… But I’d like to hear your experiences and tips about this Again it has become quite a long story haha! Thanks again
