Hi everyone, First of all I’ll try to explain my situation. I am a guy and I am 20 years old. I’ve always found the body of men more beautiful and more interesting than those of women. I’ve fallen in love with girls many times and until two months ago this never happened to me with guys. That is why I’ve always said to myself that I would be straight. Although I’ve had doubts concerning my sexuality quite often, I now realize that I never gave myself the chance to really consider the option to be gay. This year at university my situation changed a bit. I’ve met more gay guys and therefore homosexuality has been discussed quite often, which made me doubt again. Two months ago I met a guy and I was really happy to hear him say that he was gay. I still don’t know exactly what is was, but I guess that I’ve fallen in love for him and this time it was more intense than it has ever been before. I’m not sure whether it was more intense than with girls, but I guess it felt more profound or significant. And for the first time I didn’t want to wait to see whether something was going to happen by itself. I woke up in the middle of the night covered in sweat and my appetite was completely gone. This might have been caused by my nervousness regarding my doubts or just by my crush on him, but I think it was the latter haha… Unfortunately, he was not interested in me and luckily those feelings for him disappeared quite quickly. He is still handsome, but I have no longer real intense feelings towards him. However, due to my doubts and my feelings for him, I cannot longer say to myself that I’m straight. The stress and the nerves made me crazy, so I decided to discuss my doubts with two close friends and a few days later I told my parents about it. I’ve told them that I do not know what I feel at the moment and that I’d like to keep both options open for the future. Then there was this period that I didn’t feel anything at all. I couldn’t imagine a future with a girl nor with a guy. I felt empty inside. This feeling has still not disappeared completely, but at times I have thoughts in my head about guys, which I’ve somehow managed to suppress all those years. I don’t know how I did it, but when I look back now, I cannot understand how I’ve denied those feelings for so long. Because lately when I see a nice looking guy walking down the street, I sometimes feel like I want to rip off his clothes haha. I’ve never felt this with girls. However, things like anal sex with guys still feels strange and slightly disgusting. I’ve told some people close to me about my feelings. Although these women don’t think that I behave in a feminine way, most of them somehow always expected it. So, taken this all together I find it quite strange that my feelings didn’t come out earlier… I have no sexual experience with girls nor guys, so unfortunately, I cannot look at this to compare my feelings for both sexes. I’ve never been against homosexuality or gay guys, but for myself I really have a hard time accepting it. I don’t want to say that I could never fall in a love with a girl again, but I don’t thinks it is a very realistic possibility. I find girls pretty, but not really attractive. I’ve always preferred (since I was a little kid already I guess) the appearance and the body of men. Despite my crushes on girls I’ve never really looked at women and for example when I’m walking outside I’m looking at men and not at girls. But I find it strange that I’ve never liked gay porn with two guys, because I’ve always thought it was revolting and disgusting. So I’ve tried to deny these thoughts and when I watch it now, I still have mixed feelings, but sometimes I really like the intimacy between the guys and I guess it touches me more deeply than straight porn. Moreover, I’ve looked so many times at videos with solo guys in it, so I don’t think that you can call that very straight haha. I don’t like the ‘gay scene’. I don’t see myself going to these clubs and I don’t like those ‘feminine’ guys who behave in an exaggerated way all the time. It frightens me a bit where I’m going to meet a more masculine gay guy then, but I guess I should not worry about that now… So if I’m very honest to myself I think that I could say for 99% sure that I’m gay. However, I really have a hard time accepting it. I cannot find that self-acceptance, which I would love to have. My friends and parents all respond very positively, so that is not the problem. Somehow, I just cannot get used to the idea of me being gay. I think that I’ve always wanted to cling to the “standard image” with a wife (and children) and it was quite a shock to see this image collapse completely. During my crush I was really happy haha, so I had less problems with accepting it. But those feelings are almost over and now I start to feel strange again. For myself it feels unnatural to be gay and I ask myself why it couldn’t be possible to feel this with a girl… At certain moments I feel empty, nervous and tensed inside and the other moment I feel extremely happy that I finally understand what was bugging me all those years and that everything is clear now. So my feeling are all over the place I guess. I might sound very depressed now, but that is surely not the case. It is getting way better than in the beginning. I understand my feelings better know and I like the fact that everything is quite clear for myself now. However, I don’t understand why that self-acceptance stays away. My parents and friends don’t have problems with it, so why can I not accept it myself? I know that being ‘normal’ doesn’t really exist, but I would love to have had a ‘mainstream’ future with a girl. I’ve read on this site that this is probably the period of grief where I’m going through. But I hoped that after acknowledging it and telling my friends and parents about it, that I could accept it for myself. And just go on with my life. I don’t mind if it would feel uneasy for some time. But there are days that I cannot concentrate myself due to these nervous and mixed feelings and I really need my time and concentration for school I know that there are some students’ psychologists at my university, but I don’t think that would be very useful. I think there is not much more to say about my feelings or situation. I’ve already told friends and now here, but that relief is always temporary. I think that it just needs time, but I don’t really have that time at the moment haha… I don’t know, do you think visiting someone could be beneficial? Sorry for this rather long story, but I would like to hear your opinions and experiences. Do you think there is still a possibility that I’m bisexual? Or did I somehow talk myself into these ‘feelings’ for girls I had in the past. Did I might do this as denial? Do some guys recognize this problem with self-acceptance? How long did it take you to feel as yourself again and to feel ‘happy’ or at least neutral again? Many thanks :icon_bigg !
I think you have described my life in a nutshell! Only I didn't heed those feelings and ended up married with 3 kids (now going through a divorce). I cannot emphasize enough the importance of really going through and struggling with this process, you must get really quiet with yourself to get your true feelings.
Ok, I'll tackle these things one at a time. The biggest one is self acceptance. The reason why it is hard for you to accept is because; like me, you've denied it for years. The world drills into us that homosexuality is wrong, and so you associated negative thoughts and feelings with homosexuality. It will take time to accept, it's not something you can rush. Ways to resolve and help you accept this; cognitive behavior therapy. Changing the way you think in order to change your behavior (self acceptance). You know you are gay, and you know it's not a choice and that's a great start. But now you need to associate good thoughts and feelings with homosexuality. Don't flood yourself by watching hardcore gay porn and saying over and over "this is awesome and normal" that would backtrack you (thinking this will come later, lol). So start out with a picture of two gay guys hugging, remember things that make you happy, smile and try to just feel nice and comfortable. When you feel really ok and not anxious while doing that, move onto a picture of two guys kissing, so on and so forth. And a big way to help is look in the mirror while thinking of happy memories and say "I'm gay and there's nothing wrong with me." Like me, you may have created the feelings towards girls, the world says that it's normal, and you wanted to feel normal. Being uncomfortable with the "gay scene" is ok. Just because you're gay doesn't mean you have to start acting and speaking in the stereotypical gay way. You don't have to dive into the scene, you don't even have to be apart of it if you don't want to. You are still the same person you have always been, you don't have to change anything if you don't want to. You have a lot of concerns, questions and progress to make, but do them one at a time. If you try to achieve multiple goals at once, you increase your risk of failure at one, multiple, or even all of them. Focus on one goal, tackle it and destroy it. The biggest one would be accepting yourself. The ideas that I have given you are just that; ideas. If you don't want to use them, that's ok. If you want to modify them a bit; great. I've suppressed my sexuality for almost fourteen years, and it ruined my life. Coming out to myself and accepting myself was the best thing that I have ever done for myself, and that was only about a month ago. It's hard, but well worth it. There are people here that will offer advice, support, and love. You have already taken the first step, and now you don't have to take anymore steps alone. I will offer any advice, support or personal experiences needed, all you need do is ask. Good luck on your journey, I wish you the best of luck.
