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Came out to friend - less than ideal reaction

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by gravechild, Mar 24, 2013.

  1. gravechild

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    I'll start off by saying that we met around two years ago on another forum and have kept in touch through texts and calls. While I titled the thread 'Came out to a friend', she's more of a cross between an acquaintance and a friend. She lives across the country and we've never met in person, although it's been brought up casually.

    Well, when I started questioning and hinting, she seemed fine with it - sometimes adding her own quirky humor to the mix, which was appreciated, since I've had some dark times with family, school, and sexuality, and, as a loner, not many outlets or sources for support. We were never particularly close, and she has somewhat of a standoffish personality normally.

    The more certain I became, though, the more she started to change, in how she saw and interacted with me. Anytime I seriously brought 'it' up, she would instantly mention shopping, dancing, gossiping, and talking about boys for hours, with great enthusiasm. I wasn't sure if she was just playing around, but even so, there's usually some truth to jokes.

    Last night, for a number of reasons, I was struggling with the direction my life was seemingly headed, and came to her for support. After a few text messages back and forth, she tells me, 'OMG baby, please come to NY I want to hang out with you and shop, dance, etc, etc, etc! :grin:' Normally, she doesn't use smileys, and definitely doesn't call me 'baby'. That term alone made me feel very uncomfortable, especially since I just got done telling her that I was fantasizing of being with another man for the past few nights. On top of feeling mostly ignored, of course.

    There were many emotions experienced immediately after reading her message: anger, resentment, confusion, betrayal, alienation, and hopelessness, to name a few. The one that stood out among the rest, hands down, would be the immense hurt. If it hadn't been obvious before, now it was: she would continue to see me as some accessory. When I started coming out, she started showing me pictures and telling me of various physical accessories and chances, ie new hair dye, painted nails, expensive shoes, etc, whereas before any questioning or discussion of homosexuality, they weren't even mentioned. I'll also say she has become more overly 'friendly', making sexual innuendos, flirting, and telling me of things related to her sex life that I really don't care to know about.

    It seems as the the 'old' me, the 'real' me is gone, and has been replaced by some gay caricature who is interested in all these female things, when I'm not. It's almost as if I'm becoming 'one of the girls', and because I haven't been forthright with me objections, it continues. I'm just not sure if my reactions are justified, and even so, how to continue this relationship without either side feeling absolutely shafted.

    She's not one of my 'good friends', and it seems unlikely she'd genuinely try to see my point of view if I complained about it, instead making excuses or playing passive aggressive. It seems my only two choices are to put up with it, or minimize contact, maybe even let her go altogether (slowly). I don't see her stopping anytime soon, but.. if there's even a small chance to salvage this relationship, I'll take it.

    I still talk to my ex sometimes, and she seems a lot more neutral and ambivalent towards the entire issue. She's not homophobic, but she'd rather not talk too much of anything gay, and prefers to focus on other areas instead, like her dreams of attending college, love of mythology, or events that happened throughout the day. She also gives me words of encouragement when I fall, and I do the same. This is ideally what I was hoping the relationship with my friend would have been like.

    I'm still at a loss for words, and have yet to get back to her message, received a few hours ago. :bang:
     
  2. Live Love Smile

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    It can be really hard, for sure. There was one guy who used to make a lot of lesbian jokes towards me... and he went way too far with some sexual ones. I gave him a punch, not too hard, but... I didn't know he was recovering from a concussion at the time. Anyways, that ended that. Although, you'll need to be a lot calmer than me.

    Have you told her that stereotypes are really annoying? Maybe you could point out religious, racial, cultural, etc. stereotypes that are completely off. If you've expressed how much this is bothering you and she still hasn't stopped, I wouldn't define her as much of a friend.

    Maybe just take a break from her for a couple of days, maybe until she messages you again. Or just wait for a bit in general. You're not going to have much luck resolving a relationship problem if you're still angry.

    And don't forget about the friends who will back you up no matter what. :slight_smile:

    Best of luck,
    ~L
     
  3. BlindDirection

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    Hi Gravechild. I agree with the previous poster. If she doesn't let up with the stereotypes after you've told her how much they bother you, then she's not much of a friend. It's difficult to know exactly what kind of person someone is without actually meeting them. This may well be the case with her. Maybe where she is from, gay guys generally fall into those stereotypes so she is applying them to you? Maybe she's starting to see you as a 'girlfriend' even though you may not be? There are so many different things that could be happening as a result of your long distance relationship as friends. The best thing I think you can do is make it clear on where you stand on 'feminine' subjects. That's a great way to end the stereotype she may be putting you in.

    Either way, stay strong. She obviously seems to care about you since you met on a forum and have been in touch for about 2 years. I think she'll understand.

    All the best!
     
  4. gravechild

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    Thanks for the replies, guys. I never knew 'gayzoned' even existed as a term until another friend brought it up, and always did think our relationship was something between what many straight guys call the friendzone and the whole tired GBF trope you hear of so much on the media. Again, this only started after I came out to her and she became more comfortable discussing 'girl' subjects with me. In fact, that's the only thing she discusses with me now, whereas before it was a lot more... balanced.

    She didn't change, even went so far as to place my hand under her shirt and invited me to rest my head on her 'squishy boobs' multiple times. Keep in mind this is all through text messages, but since it's the only way we communicate, it tells enough of our relationship. The only thing that helped was to distance myself and stop replying when she got out of hand, since trying to explain what was bothering me went over her head and she merely deflected my concerns or denied them altogether.

    To be honest, I'm not even sure I consider her a real friend, and instead a drifting acquaintance... she even told me herself that she didn't need to contact me, that I would 'keep coming back, couldn't live without her' simply because I've vented to her and asked for advice a few times in the past. Well, it might be time for me to become more self-sufficient and not having to rely on others who don't think much of me.

    Needless to say, there are no romantic or sexual feelings between us, and we're probably never going to meet up, so I'm not sure why she keeps entertaining thoughts of meeting up and doing all sorts of wild things together. Tease? At one time I believed her, but by now it's obvious she just likes to talk.
     
  5. Zoe

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    Hello GraveChild,

    I'm sorry your friend is being such a jerk at the moment. For what it's worth, here are my thoughts:

    I think I'm significantly older than you are and of a different generation--I'm 42. I say that because in my mind, it's very difficult to get to know someone when you're only communicating electronically, especially through text. For me, it's like reading a disembodied voice when someone I don't know texts me. It seems incumbent upon me to build a personality around whatever it is they text.

    I've heard it said that electronic communication (and I know you've talked a little on the phone, too), can lead to a false sense of intimacy. When you're primarily texting and emailing, you are potentially only getting a very small slice of who they really are. You don't get tone of voice, facial cues, body language--all of that stuff that's necessary for full communication. And, as everyone knows, it's very easy to be someone you're not online.

    I know you know all of this--I simply say it to ask, How well do you really know her? How much of a friend is she really? And think about her ugly comment about never needing to call you--is there some truth there about the balance in the relationship? Is it really a give-and-take of emotional support?

    I realize that the answers to these questions might be, "Yes! I know her very well and I support her as much as she supports me." I don't mean at all to belittle what you have with her--only to prompt you to consider it from a different angle.

    What I see as a non-involved bystander is a girl who indeed has moved you to the status of Gay Best Friend, and it seems to be all for her benefit. For whatever reason, she's getting a kick out of the stereotype in her head without ever taking the time to ask you how you feel about it.

    Another theory is that she's uncomfortable with homosexuality--yours and others'--and this is her way of making the whole thing "safe." She doesn't really want to talk about it or acknowledge it in any meaningful way--it's much easier to ask you about clothing and stuff.

    I'm sorry if I'm coming off strong here--I usually am not so strident in my replies. But I'll be honest--I think she's treating you very poorly, not like a friend at all. That's why I ask how much of a friend is she truly? From my point of view, she's belittling you--making you small enough to fit a stereo type for her own benefit. That doesn't sound like a friend.

    And what is that crap about inviting you to squeeze her breast? What was that all about? How can that be about you and your feelings? How does that show respect for you and your friendship at all?

    OK--I'll stop now. But you sound like a great person--one I'd like to get to know--and she's treating you very poorly. Makes me angry.

    I don't know if this was helpful at all, but there you go.

    --Zoe
     
  6. AAASAS

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    Sounds like a complete tool to me.

    Sorry I've heard these girls before going off about gay guys and shopping and going to gay bars.

    Nobody likes a fag hag who wants to be one.

    If it naturally happens it's fine, but sounds like she is collecting fucking dolls or something.
     
  7. SooConfusedRN

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    Okay so I know that thinking that just because someone is gay they automatically fit into a stereotype and treating you like that isnt cool, but at least she hasnt been thinking ew no i dont want to talk to you anymore, so there is some degree of friendship there I think.
    But if this continues after you tell her, then I'm sorry, and she isnt a good friend.