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Coming out to my parents, how to keep from barfing on my shoes

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by wocket, Mar 24, 2013.

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  1. wocket

    wocket Guest

    So my parents recently helped me pick out a new masculine name for myself after I told them I'd like to legally change mine. They were weirdly not at all freaked out or against it, so I'm tentatively getting more confident about coming out to them.

    I can't do it in person. I have intimacy issues. They might try to hug me and then I'll scream at them for touching me.

    Tomorrow I work 8-3:30. TENTATIVE PLAN:

    Leave a note on the fridge table saying I'm changing my name because I'm transgender, that I love them and will be home in the afternoon if they'd like to talk / pretend this never happened / eat dinner / whatever

    The downside is my day at work will be suspensful as shit the upside I will finally get this shit over with and my parents won't be awake tomorrow morning because they are getting drunk at a dinner party right now.

    My sister already knows and was a douche at first ("this is bad for my social anxiety" - ok what) but is coming around despite awkward surgery related questions and I want to tell my cousin who loves in philly because HELLOO PHILLY TRANS HEALTH CONFERENCE

    BUT I need to tell my parents before I tell the rest of the family

    I'm gonna have a panic attack omf

    ---------- Post added 24th Mar 2013 at 10:00 PM ----------

    Like has a letter worked for any of you?

    I'm a few days away from losing my mimd and coming out via freaking teXT MESSAGE I need guidance
     
    #1 wocket, Mar 24, 2013
  2. wocket

    wocket Guest

    Yup
    definitely lost my nerve
     
    #2 wocket, Mar 24, 2013
  3. UndercoverGypsy

    UndercoverGypsy
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    Man it's hard for transgenders to come out... Us gays have it easy! :grin: Work would definitely be tense, so you could write for them to text or call you when they see the note. I can't personally help out very much, as I'm still firmly in the closet (sort of), so I guess all I can say is to keep on trying. Also, when I first joined EC, I posted a thread asking how I could come out to my mom, because I'm a bit of a pussy. Every response was "write a letter", so I guess that's the easiest method - I can't really say that it's been working for me, though, as my letter is folded up on the top of my bookshelf. Sorry for rambling, but I have one other thing to point out; if they're helping you choose a male name, do you really think that they're in the dark about you being trans (that is, unless you're going for a unisex name, like Francis or something - if you're changing it to Frank or Bob or something, I'm pretty sure they already know :roflmao:slight_smile:.

    That was a pretty long (and kind of redundant, considering I have no personal experience with this) post, and I apologize for that, but hopefully there's something in there that helped.
     
    #3 UndercoverGypsy, Mar 24, 2013
  4. wocket

    wocket Guest

    I think they think I'm a lesbian

    I wish I were a lesbian

    I'm not joking: I was raised by a man-hating feminist. I say this lovingly. When things started clicking that I might be a boy, my initial reaction was a horrified UGH, my second "so boring", and my third "oh man, but the PATRIARCHY"

    (I came out as bisexual as a girl, so my community has been one of queer womem from the start. Also, all my friends are girls, and I like sparkles, and dammit I insist on being treated like a LADY.)

    And then the self-doubt: what if I'm androgyne, not FtM? Doesn't matter: I want male pronouns so I'm going to be living as a boy regardless.

    I don't want to stay closeted, I don't want to lose my community of gay girls, I don't know how I feel about explaining "genderqueer" to ... basically anyone.

    I'm already bisexual that is enough gray area for me I am so sick of being stuck in the wibbly in-between

    I'm flipping out over here.
     
    #4 wocket, Mar 24, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 24, 2013
  5. UndercoverGypsy

    UndercoverGypsy
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    If you were raised by a man-hating feminist, is she lesbian, or does she just say that she hates guys? You're saying that you think you'll lose your lesbian friends, but the acronym is LGBT, not LGB. If they don't understand, they're not worthy to be your friends. I get that it must suck to be in that grey area with both gender and orientation, but there's not anything you can really do about it.

    By the way, if you feel that text message is the only way you can do it, do it by text message - just try not to have any text language in the message...
     
    #5 UndercoverGypsy, Mar 25, 2013
  6. wocket

    wocket Guest

    She is straight just casually pretty negative about men as a whole, not as individuals? IDK I have some negative gender stereotypes to get over, is what I'm saying.

    That last post was a brain explosion, essentially. Just me flailing around inneffectually; nothing to take seriously.

    I'm a guy. I'm a weird androgynous guy. I feel the most relieved on days when I just accept that. Yesterday was not one of those days.

    ---------- Post added 25th Mar 2013 at 11:21 AM ----------

    (To be clear, I don't hate boys. I am one, so that would be weird. I just am used to getting a lot of slack, gender expression wise, because people think I'm a girl, and one of the few sweet things about being a girl is you can dress however the crap ya want. Kind of.)
     
    #6 wocket, Mar 25, 2013
  7. UndercoverGypsy

    UndercoverGypsy
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    Well, my mother is exactly the same about men, in that case. It might be a bit of an obstacle to get over, but at least she's not a Mormon or a Jehovah Witness or something (unless she is). She sounds accepting, so she'll come around eventually - probably just make it as clear as possible that you are the same person as always. Also, in a sense, your mother is right, as a whole, men are assholes - luckily, not all of them are, though. Make that clear.
     
    #7 UndercoverGypsy, Mar 25, 2013
  8. RedLight

    RedLight
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    I can understqnd how you would lose yoir nerve or flip out. I honestly wake up every morning loving the fact that I'm a lesbian and then spend the rest of the day balling and talking my self-out of the pride. So with empathy I have no issue, my only problem is that I'm not the best advise giver. Letters sound like they've worked for most people so you could try that. As for the negative gender stereotypes be sure to make it clear to your mom that you ARE a boy, that way she will assert the situation with delicacy (one can only hope). Otherwise GOOD LUCK! I always thought that step was the hardest one to take.
     
    #8 RedLight, Mar 25, 2013
  9. Zannan

    Zannan
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    Bisexual
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    A few people
    Letters seem to work better. Honestly, I think she knows and is waiting on you to tell her.
     
    #9 Zannan, Mar 25, 2013
  10. wocket

    wocket Guest

    I sure hope so!
     
    #10 wocket, Mar 25, 2013
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