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Just need some quality advice!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by eagle2009, Dec 1, 2006.

  1. eagle2009

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    Hello everybody,

    So, over the past year I have began the process of evaluating who I am sexually. Right now I am a sophomore in college. I go to a very conservative school and my hometown is the same way. Being gay or bi isn't really an option in these areas and I think this has influenced my thought process. To me, I shouldn't be anything but straight. But, ever since high school I have always questioned whether or not i am gay or bi. Over the past year I have proably run the gamet of relationships. I dated a girl and all she really wanted was sex, and that really turned me off. Then this summer I meet another girl who I know I could have a great relationship with, just not sure about he sexual side of it because girls really don't turn me on that much. Since I was so unsure I decided not to persue the relationship and we are still good friends. Since I have gotten back to school I have been really into finding a guy for just sex. I am proud to say that I am still a virgin and would like to keep that until marriage or a future partnership. Really, it hasn't been until lately when I have meet this great guy that actually is normal and just likes to chat. I am thinking about persuing the relationship, but with that comes the pressure of decideding who i am. Basically, I would feel terrible if I got deep in the relationship and decided that I was straight. So really, what I would like to do is figure out where i stand on sexuality before I enter a relationship. Next, I would if i do figure out that i am gay or bi what would be the best way to come out in a strange environment. I really don't feel it would be accepted and fear a backlash, espically from certain members of my family. Any help/advice you guys can give me would be greatly appreciated.
     
  2. Sam

    Sam
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    your right about not getting in a relationship if your not sure about your sexuality. what you need to do is sit down and really ask yourself some serious questions. Are you sexually attracted to guys? Are you sexually attracted to girls? both? is your environment holding you back from really finding out what your orientation is? there are a lot of questions to think about it probably feels like your heads going to explode but you gotta take a deep breath and jump in only when you really take the time to try and discover who you like will you find the answers to these questions its long and hard and confusing but eventually you will poke your head out with the answers and while people can try to help you it is after all you that has to come up with the answers and people can give you support to get through this confusing time it took me a while to decide where I stand but now I am happy I wish you the best of luck and know that everyone here is pulling for you and is here to support you.
     
  3. va wanderer

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    I have something of the same problem (see my post farther down the board), and my lovely responders gave the great advice of "wait and see".

    I don't agree with biloved86 that you shouldn't get into a relationship with a guy you think is great, because you're not sure of your sexual orientation. A better approach would be to simply let him know you're still in "questioning mode" and let HIM decide if you're worth the risk.

    I don't personally believe that you can sit down and question yourself into an orientation. You have to be out there trying to discover it (while making absolutely sure not to hurt anyone--which means being up front about it!).
     
  4. Sam

    Sam
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    she has a point I didn't think of it like that as long as your honest with him and everyone else you involve that way they already know that you could end up deciding that they are not right for you. yeah its ok as long as your honest hey it might help you figure everything out sorry for the bad advice earlier everyones different on how they figure out who they are whatever you choose for yourself it will be the best for you
    good luck!
     
  5. step49x

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    First off, I know how you feel about being in the middle of a conservative area. The college I'm currently going to right now won't officially recognize the gay-straight forum I'm in. It's also affiliated with the Christian Reformed Church of America, which doesn't make things a whole lot better, from this perspective.

    I base sexuality primarily on who you get aroused by. If you're sexually aroused by opposite sex, you're straight. If you're turned only by the same sex, you're gay/lesbian. If you're turned on by both, you're bi. Relationships are great, but if we based orientation by the gender our friends, then everyone would be considered bi. Do realize this is just my perspective, so take from it what you will.

    From what I've read in your first post, it does sound like you are probably gay (see above quote). There could be more you haven't told us yet, but this is what I've gathered so far. If you do find yourself sexually attracted to girls, then you could be gay.

    I can say all I want, but really, it's up to you to figure it out for yourself.

    In response to some of your other comments, I would suggest figuring yourself out before you get too involved in a relationship. When you do get in one, do be honest with him if you're still questioning your orientation. You're probably not going to want any unnecessary problems that might come with dishonesty or lack of communication.

    If you feel that you might get a backlash from the whole community, then just don't tell the whole community. If you do find you are gay/bi, you are free to tell others at whatever pace you like (or whether you tell them or not). I've come out to about 4 people at the college I'm at right now (all quite recently, actually). Most people would not guess that I was gay, and unless they ask, I probably won't tell them.

    Good luck in figuring everything out. I know that the process definitely isn't easy. Take you're time, there's no rush. And if there's ever anything that you need advice on, we're always here to help you out. :slight_smile:
     
  6. eagle2009

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    Thanks for the help guys. I agree with you on the relationships thing, personally I think it would help me a lot, but I know that communication is important so I wouldn't put my self in a situation in which I wasn't fully committed.