So I was looking for opinions or personal stories similar in nature to what I am bout to say. So when I think about coming out esp. to straight male friends I think about the past 5-6 years. I have seen them change clothes, been in close physical contact, slept in same beds before. And lately I feel this overwhelming awkwardness when that close physical contact happens. Like cramming in a tent, on the couch for a movie, and many other situations. What they (straight male friends) does (close contact) doesn't make me uncomfartable because its inasive. It makes me uncomfortable because I'm gay and they dont know it. They think I am straight. I am lying to them which when I come out and they think back on these things it could be bad news. I want to come out, I feel ready but I can't, literaly the words wont exit my mouth to even begin talking to them. But they must have suspicions. I claim to everybody that it bothers me to be touched but in reality, I crave the moment when they knw I am gay, and we can have the same relationship, do the camping, traveling and all that and it not be awkward. So your experience on coming out to straight male friends after your friendship has had these instances would be great to hear. Thanks
I haven't come out to many friends, but those to which I have have nothing against me being close. It's nothing sexual, from my point of view or theirs. Granted, we are not going camping and we are generally at an age when we don't jump over each other for no reason, but still The first thing you might think about is to be honest to them. Honesty doesn't have to mean full disclosure; just don't lie to them. Lies you weave will only make it harder to come out and harder to explain yourself later. How ready are you to be out to them? Are there some friends you trust more or are closer to or who are more reliable and trustworthy and so on? You can get one of them alone and tell simply that you need to talk. His curiosity will probably take it from there and the rest will just be you asking questions. "About what?" "Girls" "You don't have a girl" "I know" "You want to have a girlfriend?" "No".. And so on. You can direct his questions with a few hints, but basically you wouldn't have to say that you are gay directly. Would that be better?
Lemme be blunt. They won't care. The friends you trust -- tell them. You'll build a stronger relationship with them by opening up about yourself. I've told all my good straight friends. Yes, I've camped with them, showered with them at the gym, etc. Its not an issue. Won't be for your friends, either.
Ok. So had literally the exact same thing/thought process happen to me. In high school, I didn't know I was gay. My best friend, we'll call him Ryan, and I were inseparable. We met in 8th grade and are still very close to this day, so going on 18 years of friendship. Anyway, I was dating a cheerleader at that time and did so all thru high school. We played sports together (baseball, football, basketball, and golf,) slept in the same bed at each other's houses up until we were 18 or 19. We even JO'ed next to each other a few times. So we were *very* close. Flash forward to a few years ago. Im out and proud to my parents and everyone else in my life... except for Ryan. I was scared sh*tless to tell him for your exact reasons. I was so worried that'd when I came out to him, he'd go through and re-evaluate our entire friendship. Go back to all those nights sleeping together or in the locker room showering after a baseball game. Because of this, I said to myself that Id rather lie to make sure he was still in my life and my best friend than to be honest and live openly around him. But, this killed me inside. He'd ask me how many chicks im banging, etc. Id always say I was too busy with work for any relationship (when in reality I was in a 5 yr relationship with my ex back when I lived in CA.) Then he asked me to be his best man at his wedding a couple years ago. This is what made me realize that I cant keep lying to my best friend. The guy that I love like a brother with all my heart. I flew in for the wedding. We met at Hooters (i know, but we used to go there all the time lol.) We ordered a few beers and he asked if I was dating anyone in Cali and I chuckled and said "Well, thats a story for another time. This is your weekend." Now, I fully planned on coming out to him but just didn't have the balls to do it, as usual. The words that came next, I will never forget for the rest of my life. He looked at me and smiled and said "I know. And its cool buddy. I still love you." At that moment i completely broke down and started crying. In Hooters. Across from a guy. In Virginia. lol I walked outside for some air. He followed. He told me he knew for a while but always wanted me to tell him when I was ready. That he loves me no matter what and just wants me to be happy. Sorry for the crazy long reply, but I wanted you to see that I was in your shoes. Now, I don't know how close you are to these guys, if they're just friends or good friends or best friends. But if they're true friends, then the same thing will happen to you that happened to me. Its scary. I know. Trust me. But don't be scared to be honest for fear of the unknown. It hurts you more than anyone else. - Johnny
Yea, thanks for the reply. It helped me today. my friend and his girlfriend are best friends id say, and are of my few friends, but its hard to say best friend when im lying all the time. I want to let it be knwn to them. We were friends before his gf was around often and I remember well several years ago in his room he said that a gay friend wouldn't bother him but this was like when I was 16-17 and was not sure about everything and wished to death I was in fact straight. We r almost 21 now and go on big vacations every summer and talk about his relationship and have a good clip of things in common. I see this relationship we have purley as such, a friendship. But the fear tells you that others won't understand.
I feel the same way. Most of my female friends laugh it off and tell me they aren't uncomfortable. I try to be very respectful and advert my eyes when they are changing and stuff so I don't think I've ever given them a creepy vibe. If they have a problem with me it is because of their own discomfort.
I know how you feel. And I was in a slightly different situation, as he was the only friend from HS that I really cared about after I moved away, so I didn't have to worry about other people. All I can say is that the fear you have of them not understanding will only fester inside you forever. I used to cry over not being able to be honest with my best friend. After I came out to him, it was still a little awkward to discuss "gay" things with him. But now its no big deal. Matter of fact, I just introduced him to my BF a few weeks ago. Kind of a double date with his wife and my BF at a bar downtown. Had a great time and while outside, he gave me nod of approval. It was a great feeling. You'll get there eventually. And when you do, it'll seem silly that you were so afraid in the first place. - Johnny
I look away but don't make it an obvious sign that it makes me uncomfortable, it doesnt but that's one of those things I think that they would look back on.
To be honest, I'm a bit of a girly girl and I never had male friends till I got older and dropped the whole preppy school girl act. By then, I was totally out the closet and most of my male friends were boyfriends of my female friends. Some, are my clients (I work as a nutritionist). So now, it doesnt bother me to make male friends who are straight. Depending on how old you are, there isn;t anything to be scared of. You may just find that when the right time for it to come out, it does and when it does they might noe even care. Maturity has a lot to do with everything though. And if your friends dont appreciate you for who you are, when that time comes then (i don't want to tell you who to be, but) it may be time to find and make new friends.
I had your same worries. Don't worry about them! Your overthinking it. Your friends will understand and won't think its weird that you were intimite with them in the past. Don't let these feelings get in the way of being open with your friends.
