Sportsman and gay.... help!

No, your parents' advice is not the one to follow. Don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean you should now rush to the rugby practice and tell everyone. The call for caution might be founded, but the veto on coming out all together is not. Your parents grew up in a different society. Although they are probably still young (I'd guess in their forties?) their conceptions on the views on homosexuality predate the mass acceptance changes of the last ten or fifteen years.

The thing is.. and this might be hugely wrong as I don't know anything about you.. the thing is, the probable thing to expect from your team would be some mocking (in good spirit), but basically acceptance from the most of them.
Do you think there are some of your teammates who would be more accepting? If there are some who are more trustworthy, you can come out to them. That way, you will have someone on your side when you do come out fully.

The friend is a good place to start. However, don't feel she has to be the one to come out to just because she might be gay. Especially since you put "best friend" in quotes and wondered if she would leak the info on to the team.

My advice would be to find a way to talk openly with a teammate, someone you feel closer to or who you can trust. Make sure he knows you are talking in confidence. You can start with a general question like if he thinks there's anyone gay in the team; I'm sure that question popped up sometime already. Just make sure to not come off as a homophobe When you feel more at ease, you can come out to him.

In any case, don't feel pressured into coming out.

 

Just because she asks you for advice and told you that she might be gay does not mean that you have to do the same. It all depends on whether you feel ready to come out to her, and deal with the consequences, if any.

I can say that it's likely she'll be very supportive. She'll also maybe want to see that picture of your boyfriend even more :lol:

 

First of all: hello, and welcome to EC! :smilewave

You know, normally I'm all for just taking a step ahead and see what comes, but in matters of sports or career (and doubly so in a combination of the two), I do think there's some value in being careful.

The choice isn't between staying in the closet forever, and being totally open, though. There is a middle ground of telling one person at a time. And even if circumstances don't permit a full coming out in the nearby future, you might get by with it just being a public secret.

Or, at least, that's how it worked out for me. I'm fairly involved with Judo, which is, as you may expect, not necessarily the easiest sport to come out in (sometimes it does involve pressing your crotch to another man's face in order to remain on top, after all )
But yet, I am out(ish) to most in my club by now.
First I only told a few who I was already quite close with, and who I knew had other gay friends. They proved to be pretty accepting, and if at first they found it awkward in any way, they were willing to try and overcome it, because they knew it wasn't a big deal in the world of today. They were also willing to keep it a secret, until I felt ready to let more people know.
I never really told more people, but when I saw the support of the ones I was most close to (all of which were very well respected in the club, too), I just moved to "open secret" stage. In which I don't necessarily draw attention to my sexuality, but won't actively pretend being straight either. And while I won't bring it up during a training session (and definitely never while showering afterwards ), I don't tend to be paranoid about who overhears my conversations in the post-training bar visit either. If they hear someone asking how things are going with my boyfriend, then so be it. So far, supportive people seem to latch on and be openly supportive, while pretty much anyone else just lets the topic be.

And similar story at work, really. At first I was terrified of losing face (I'm an engineer, and I have to give orders to the more hands-on workforce. Which depends very much on retaining their respect), but over time, I very slowly came out to immediate colleagues, and over time, it just became something everyone knows, even if it isn't really brought up.


All of the above took time, though, and it started with a single step: opening up to someone who I felt I could trust with both being supportive and keeping a secret. And playing it from there.

And honestly, your friend seems perfect for that! If she's going through similar things, she's bound to understand both what it's like, and the value of secrecy. Make sure to tell her how much secrecy would be appreciated, but I'm sure she already knows that already. And I think she's unlikely to be angry. If you take the time to explain your situation, it's impossible she doesn't see why you're so careful with this.
Also, if she knows some of your rugby teammates, she might even be perfect for bouncing ideas off on who of them would similarly be accepting and good at keeping a secret.

So: yeah, I think you should tell her. Take care to do so when you're alone with her, and unlikely to be disturbed, so you can spend all the time you need to talk this through, but it will be a whole load off your chest.
Once that's worked, I'm sure next steps will seem clearer (and if they don't, that's where EC might come in handy to discuss further steps with!)

 

You might try bringing up Gareth Thomas since he is gay or Ben Cohen since he works heavily to stamp out homophobia. Since they were both rugby stars not all that long ago it might not seem out of the ordinary in the right conversation. Depending on how your teammates react to that might give you some idea as to how receptive they would be to a gay rugby mate.

My sister played rugby in college, but I don't know all that much about rugby culture. Might be different where you are.

 

That sounds delightfully fun and rough. It reminds me of something... (!)

To make this post not entirely unnecessary, I second what Filip and SimpleMan have said.

 

Interestingly, I have never seen rugby played . However, there's a gay rugby team here in NYC, and I'm going to watch them play next month.....I have no idea what I'm going to watch or the rules of it

That's just to say that there are gay rugby players, and in fact entire teams of them. I'll second that there's caution called for, but not entirely not coming out. I'm doing it one person at a time as well, and eventually plan to be entirely open, but there's some obstacles in the way right now.

 

Well, telling over a drink is my favoured option. It's how I told most of my friends.
I also had good experiences telling people during a car ride, though that obviously has the drawback of the driver having to split his/her attention.

As for how to say it... I personally never told anyone "I'm gay" in so many words. I tend to phrase it as "I'm not really interested in girls", or "I am rather more interested in guys". In the end, what counts is that she knows, not the exact words you tell her.

I think you want to open with a "There is something I wanted to discuss with you, but I would like to be sure it stays just between us, okay?"
If she agrees, then I'd pick whatever seems most likely to pass your lips in one go. I think mentioning your girlfriend is really a boyfriend, or showing a picture, is perfect, really (and, in a way, even a more fun way to say it than doing it in two words)

After that, I'd say you just have to prepare for the standard questions of how and when you knew, who else knows, and what your plans are for the future.


In any case: I'm sure you can do it! It's going to be stressful when you're about to go ahead, but I do think it's going to turn out to be an improvement!

 

It will get easier to say the words. Each time gets better. Just tell her you have had this secret all your life and you would like to talk to her about it but you are concerned about it not getting out to your teammates because it's a sensitive issue that could influence your future. Then ask her if you can trust that she will keep it to herself. It would be nice if you had someone that you could talk to on a daily basis. If she is questioning her sexuality then she should be cool with keeping it between you and her. Good luck.