Hello forum I really need advice because I am stuck. I am cool with the fact that I like women. I am cool with the fact that I sometimes like men too. My attraction towards women is more stable, though. I'm okay with myself, finally, after a long time of hating the fact that I am not totally gay or straight (it makes it so much easier to be taken seriously). I've come out to my parents, my sister and two friends. Each time I get so embarrassed! I don't know why, I'm okay with myself. I am okay with my identity and the fact that I'm dating a girl. I don't have problems with talking about my sexuality with her. Could it be that I am not comfortable with straight people because they're straight and they don't understand? Or can you be subconsciously not okay with the fact that you're gay ? Am I the only queer that doesn't want everyone to know what type of people I fancy? Or am I making a big deal out of nothing? Any advice?? :help:
I can't really help, but I have this with a lot of things too. My parents are quite accepting, and would never shoot me down on something, and so are my friends. I could openly tell them I'm trans and bi and all of them being like "Well, that's OK", but I still don't dare to. When I got my dreads I had the same, I KNEW they would approve but it took about a month before I, with a lot of stammers, blushes and trouble, managed to tell my parents 'Mom, dad, I want dreads', and that has happened lots of time before, I just don't get what's the problem >_< I KNOW they will accept, I do accept it as well, but yet I just slam shut... weird brain that I have! But anyway, that was no advice... and I don't have any, 'cause I don't know how to change it with myself either, so I can't really help you... sorry
Coming out to my gay friend was a lot easier than telling a straight friend, both of them are equally as close to me. Definitely think it has something to do with the fact my gay friend totally understands how I feel. I'm private and wouldn't like everyone to know my business, which is why I've only told a select number of friends (and an attempt to tell my mother.) At the end of the day you don't have to tell every soul you meet your orientation... It's not their business and if you're happy with how you are that's all that matters. Don't second guess yourself, some people just aren't as open as others.
That's how I felt at first, mostly because I was getting really negative responses. Now I am making more supporting friends and I am getting more comfortable with myself. It does get better You just need to be more comfortable with yourself and the fact that people won't always understand. You can't change people that don't understand you can only accept yourself.
Thanks for the messages and advice! It's nice to read that I'm not the only one. Most of the coming out stories I've read are about people that want the world to know that they are who they are. Very admirable I must say! But it's just not for me. I'm going by train to my date tomorrow. I told one friend I was going to a friend that lived somewhere else. If she would ever further, I know I would get slightly uncomfortable but I would say it anyway. It has to happen, whether I am okay with it or not And I'm sure she would accept it, I'm sure it will all be fine. I'm a shy person when it comes to things like these I guess. So SpectreStatus I think that's part of the problem too, there are a lot of straight people who are much more open about their crushes than other straight people, and of course this also applies to gay people. WhiteRaven, (I could talk in Dutch to you but since we're on an English website I will continue in English ) you talked about slamming shut all of a sudden with no good reason, I think you described what I'm experiencing. We indeed have a weird brain! It's not very efficient Asari I'm glad you're doing so well! Thanks for the advice, it is something I need to work on
It's natural to get embarrassed, I think. As long as you are confident in who you are, that first little bit of blushing when you come out to someone is just anxiety. And it's natural, because you feel a little different. I don't think it's a big deal, as long as you know you're comfortable.
There are many reasons why someone may have difficulty coming out. It may be due to fear. Many people worry that on some level the person they are coming out to won't understand. They could be homophobic, or think it's "just a phase." They might think its a joke or could think that you are too young and were maybe "convinced" by someone that you are gay. This is why it might be easier with other homosexuals. They most probably won't really question it and just accept it. You don't really have to worry about the above issues. Another thing is often embarrassment. Saying what sort of people you are attracted to is kinda embarrassing, and many people tend to associate coming out of the closet with sex. To a lot of people, saying "I'm gay" is a lot like saying "I have sex with the same gender" whereas "I'm straight" means something more along the lines of "I am just attracted to the opposite gender." The distinction is important. Many cultures have issues talking about sex, especially with family and people close to them. Thus terms associated with sex may lead to embarrassment. In a way, saying "I'm gay" can be compared to something like "I have a foot fetish" or "I masturbate before I go to sleep at night." Imagine talking about that with your mom. I think this is one reason why so many people are so homophobic and why others often have difficulty coming to terms with someone being gay even if they don't really in principle have an issue with it. The thought doesn't bring to mind that someone is simply attracted to the same gender, but rather it bring to mind homosexual sex, and things like kissing and holding hands. We all realize this to an extent and I'm sure even many homosexuals subconsciously connect it like this in their head. Regardless, we know that due to the association many people have an issue with accepting that a friend or family member is homosexual (even though they may not necessarily be homophobic.) They may initially find the idea uncomfortable or strange, and because of things like this, people coming out may be embarrassed even though there really isn't anything to be embarrassed about. No one gets embarrassed for saying they are straight. There's probably more to it than this, but I haven't really looked into it.
I'm kind of the same way in the sense that I can accept that I overwhelmingly romantically prefer women, but it's hard for me to tell others. In my case, I get embarrassed because I'm a fairly private person who doesn't normally tell others about deeply personal issues such as same-sex attractions. This could also be the main reason why you're embarrassed to tell others despite being comfortable with your own sexuality.
Devious Kitty, I didn't even consider that. My family (a large part of society in general, I'm not blaming my family) associates homosexuality with gay sex. Certain people reacted overly embarrassed when I told them I'm gay. I think that's my problem. Seeing people struggle and blush and being extremely uncomfortable leaves me feeling VERY embarrassed as well. I just KNOW they think about sex, and sex is something you 'should keep to yourself'. That is the sole reason why I cannot tell it to my close friends and other close relatives. It feels like telling: Hey grandma, I want sex with women. Do you accept me for that?' Of course they can't help how they think, society is poisoned with these views. But it makes it very awkward. Vesper yes I also do keep to myself! Even when people still assumed I was straight and I just thought it was nobody's business. Discovering I was gay didn't change that.
I feel odd saying I have a girlfriend when people assume I have a husband. I am not embarrassed but I am a people pleaser. I don't want to make anyone else uncomfortable. My discomfort is about my need to make other people happy, even complete strangers, above my own needs. If you know that you're ok with who you are then that is all that matters.
