I've recently come out to my family, and they have been really supportive. It was bittersweet, though.... the weight of coming out to them is off my shoulders, but all the years I've suppressed my feelings and told myself I didn't want to be gay and being gay is bad, has led me to a lot of the emotional problems I have now. I'm really depressed because of the simple fact that I love other men. It's constantly in my mind, irritating me, that I'm gay. I'm incredibly uncomfortable with it. Whenever I go out in public, I put the "straight face" on and act the straight me. Lately though its become harder to do so...... How can I be at peace? I can't go a few hours without the "I'm gay" thought popping in my mind, and I just want to break down and cry. I never wanted this for myself. :tears: Just the thought of being gay makes me incredible anxious and depressed what do I do?
First of all, I used to live in Santa Rosa while I cooked in Healdsburg! Anyway, what may help a little is if you try to stop "acting straight" when you go out. If you keep doing that, you'll constantly be thinking about *not* "being gay." I know its cliché, but you've really got to start loving you for you. Embrace who you are. Instead of seeing being gay as a terrible thing, try to focus on other things that make you, you. You're family accepts you for you, and Im assuming your friends do (or will) as well. Now its time for you to do the same. I think you've made a great first step with talking about it. Getting it out in the open and off of your chest may help you get closer to being happy. - Johnny
That's awesome! Sonoma County is a really nice place. I've tried really hard not to worry about it, but it's tough. I'm just scared of how people will react, I suppose.... :/
I miss Sonoma (and SF) every day. Im pretty sure I'll end up back there eventually. Spent 7 years in Napa/Sonoma/SF and absolutely fell in love with it. Back to you. What you're going through is nothing new. I, and Im sure others, went through the same hardships. Just remember, theres no rush. Come to terms in your own time. When I was 20, I was in college, "dating" a girl, while still trying to figure out what all these gay feelings were. I never hated myself for having these feelings, but I just took it one day at a time. I spent a lot of time online and in chat rooms, just talking to other guys which helped immensely. Basically the same thing you're doing. It wan't until I moved to Cali in 04 that i really embraced who I was and was happy with it. - Johnny
I lived in Santa Rosa as well (Sacramento now, and get to Calistoga/Middletown all the time.) Remember the 5 stages of loss (loss of your "straight" identity?) denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance? You're at the "grief" stage. Which is good. It means you're past all of the denial and bargaining and other BS and now mourning the loss of the straight identity. As you learn to sit with the "gay" label more, it will get a lot more comfortable. Santa Rosa is a pretty accepting place, from what I know, and I think you'll find people you'll connect with pretty easily there. So for now, just give yourself permission to feel what you're feeling... and work on loving yourself as you are
Lately ive been feeling that way. Sort of mourning. Like, im starting to accept myself, and it feels like the old me has died and is being left behind, and it makes me kinda sad. This new identity makes me feel a little awkward i admit .... but im getting there