...thats all i can tell myself when i get like this. You see i've been contemplating the question lately. I know for sure i wouldn't take some miraclious cure for homosexuality....but how i wish there was one to change your gender. I don't think it's so much a gender identity question as it is a "it would be so much easier and happier life if i was" kinda thing. I don't fit the criteria for gender identity so im just going to dismiss that so you don't get the wrong idea of my predictement. Anyway i just think about it every single day. Everytime some one reminds me about the social pressures that gender traits are almost. Like guys don't wear makeup, or shave their legs, or girls dont belch etc. which is all a bunch of shit. And i hate the world we live in and i can't help but think what a horrible time it is for me. I have to remind myself everyday the reincarnation says i have to expierence a little bit of everything. And that maybe my time to be a woman was last lifetime but it doesn't help and religion bares no refuge for me nor anything else. Suicide isn't the answer and never will be for me but now as you can see im stuck in this lifeless stage between insanity and emptiness and not a thing in the world to pick myself up with. Maybe one of these days it'll come by and i'll pick myself up again but i just hope it comes soon. Time isn't waiting for me and i'm sick of wasting my life like this. I just wish with everything in my soul that i could just remember what it was like. Just remember one day. Then i think i'd be happy. ------- I'm sorry this was so long and for people who did bother to read the whole thing, i don't blame you, i'd probably do the same. To sum it up it's just the ranting of someone long lost but with high hopes for the future and a longing to remember what it was like to have the life i yearn to have again.
I'm not sure if what you are saying here is "it would be so much easier if I was a girl who liked guys, instead of being a guy who likes guys". The alternative is that you are trying to say that you feel that "I ought to be a girl, but I am are trapped in a man's body". Given that what you have said in the past is more consistent with you identifying as a gay guy, I presume it is the former. All I can say is that the more usual response is that "it would be easier if I were straight" - but either way it is not as easy to be gay (or Bi, or especially transgendered). That doesn't mean that life is going to be impossible, or unpleasant, or unfulfilling - just that it isn't neccessarily going to conform to society's more normally accepted idea of the "norm". So what? If you are a good, loving, caring, giving, compassionate person - that is far more important than "conforming" to other peoples expectations of what everyone "ought" to be. It may not be as easy - but if you work on being yourself, being the best person you can be, being proud of yourself (and I mean YOURSELF, not your gender or orientation)...well, once you are comfortable with that, the rest will follow. So, work on that - and you might find that the rest becomes a whole lot easier - I hope so anyway. Jeez - I'm not sure if that sounded more like a rant or a lecture... Oops. Well, I hope it maybe helped some...
Adding on to what TriBi has said... Remember that you're still in high school. Depending on the society you live in, high schools can be the most prominent place for stereotypes and social pressures. Especially when it comes to sexuality. I would be lying if I said I'd never thought about the "how much easier would it be if..." questions. Especially "how much easier would it be if I was a girl..". I could avoid all the insults and general negative view on my life. But I decided that I wouldn't trade in who I am at this moment for anything or anyone. I wouldn't compromise myself or pretend to be something I wasnt. I guess I just decided that "I am me". I have friends who love the person I am and wouldn't trade it in for anything else, so why should I be different? Sure there are people out there who'll continually give you a hard time for being who you are....but their opinions shouldnt matter to you. I know it's easier said than done - and it certainly isnt instant. But its something that gets easy with time...atleast thats the way it was for me. Just be strong and remember to confide in your friends. They're the main thing that got me through.
For as long as I can remember, I've been (psychologically) a complete girl. Up until I was almost nine, I wanted to me a girl. I didn't even know what gay was. I now know that I am not supposed to be a woman, and don't want to be. I am a guy who likes guys, not a girl trapped in a guys body or anything like that. Of course it would be easier to be a girl, but I don't think that that's really the solution here (as you've pointed out). We have extremely female qualities as far as social classification goes. We are attracted to men, like fashion, looking good, gossiping, all that stuff (to various levels and perceivable amounts) But I think that at the end of the day, thats just social pressures for you. There are ideals, the ways things 'should' be... instead of thinking it's wrong of us to feel the things we feel, we think.. "well I must be a woman deep down or something.. that would be easier." I think this attributes to how comfortable we are with out impulses.. but we just get a wrong message from what we all have ingrained within us from society.... Perhaps.
