1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

[5:00 AM] An Awake Walrus [Rant Time]

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by InaRut, Mar 29, 2008.

  1. InaRut

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2007
    Messages:
    0
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Montreal, Quebec, Canada
    So I've just got out of bed at 5:30 in the morning...I'm feeling a little tired but for the most part my head right now feels like rapunzel's spinning wheel. I'm a little hungry too. Bascially I just finished working midnights and when I should of stayed up all day Friday I ended up having a 5 hour nap (naughty naughty) and I can say my sleep schedule is messed up.

    HOWEVER! This is a good thing. Because right now I feel tottaly able to let my mind go which is a rare thing for me because for some odd reason I'm finding it harder and harder to really express myself to anyone. More and more do I feel like I'm bottling up my emotions, like I'm hiding anything I could possibly hide from myself (lets make a note that I did not mean to type "Myself") and from everyone. I feel like there is no one to really talk to. Expect Mari. My friend who knows I'm gay---She lives in Montreal though. And I do plan on visiting her.

    Basically these feelings came when I was last talking to Beebo/Mike. This was the conversation that caused me to call it quits between him and I (I'd say it's fair to admit we had, "Something"). Well it wasn't the only reason I mean there's the geographical, university and a bunch of stuff...Anyways...One conversation Mike/Beebo (reversed them- You see that?) basically told me that he "knew nothing about me." This frustrated me. I told him minor things: likes, dislikes, hobbies etc but I guess he wanted to know more about the internal me. But I myself feel like the internal me is a rubix cube. I don't even know what to say about what is inside the internal me. Maybe a little boy who's scared. Because right now there is so many things I am scared of.

    It's what I was thinking about before I decided to get out of bed. I was thinking about university. Everyone gets stressed over their first year of university right? But I was thinking about the whole transaction. Can I go from factory back to academic life? How dumb have I really let myself go? Am I going to be able to go from pretend straight to gay? I need to be out in university, I know I do...but I'm just thinking what happens if my roomate doesn't accept me? How am I just going to all of a sudden be "out." I feel like I need some type of ritualistic ceremony (a gay Bar mitzvah?) or something.

    That brings me to my next point. If you'd have asked me when I first found out I was gay I'd be ready to face the big bad world of homophobes. But ever since I came out to my mother...day by day I feel worse about it. I've tried talking to her but she is such a child when it comes to these things. Mom and I don't really talk about my homosexuality. None of my family talks about it. It's sorta water under the bridge. SO much that now my brother asks me if I have a GIRLFRIEND...or if I think that girl is hot. My own fucking brother that I trusted to come out in the first place is now treating me as though I am straight. Any time he does this I feel like I've lost a friend. But when I think about it, how would I feel if he treated me as gay? Asked me if I had a boyfriend, or if I found that boy hot....I'd probobly feel offended. Wierd. Defensively offended though. The defense I use to convince everyone at work that I am straight.

    Which brings me back to the worrysome idea of going from Pretend straight to Gay in university....And the spinning wheel turns again.

    Also, why am I blaming all my problems on my family? Is the way I feel their fault....because I think it'd be right to say it's my fault. I could probobly be less of an asshole with them when it comes to talking about my homosexuality--But they could also be more supportive and open up so I feel safe talking about it. Well mom has, but talking to her is like riding a sled down a glacier then a relaxing walk through the park. Then again to be supportive they would have to be comfortable with homosexuality.

    And the wheel turns again.

    Sometimes I think I need therapy, but hiring someone that I can talk to seems like the end of the plank for me.

    --Anyways I hope you enjoyed this journey into my mind. It is now 6:00 and you guys are either a) wondering why you just ready that entire thing b) Thinking I am insane c) Verifying that the walrus is insane or D) As of right now typing up some super awesome advice or e) wondering when I'll eat something and go back to bed.

    The answer to E is after I'm done typing and probobly later tonight.

    Thanks for reading by the way. It feels good to let all this out of my head...seriously it feels like I just did a mental flush on to this post...and now you guys have just read my BRAIN POO. *Points and laughs*

    -Much love
    -The Walrus

    P.S. To those who say, "Why is he typing this instead of working on his comic?"
    I say, "Be more patient I'll be working on it AFTER I eat."
     
  2. Vampyrecat

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2007
    Messages:
    923
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    1 hour east of Portland, Vic.
    Wow. That was quite a rant.
    As you said, from what I can see, your family is being quite childish. If I was you, then I would sit them all down, and talk to them. Really talk to them, tell them how you feel, how they're MAKING you feel, how you feel like your sexuality is being ignored. Basically tell them every little emotion that you feel they are causing and, if you can, tell them how and why they are causing you to feel like that (eg, your brother treating you as straight is unfair of him and it makes you feel betrayed? angry? resentful?)
    Sometimes its hard to know the real us, the internal, rubik's cube us, which is why it's important to let people know things about us. Minor things do count for a lot, but you have to tell people more if you expect things to work.

    If you feel that people will not listen to you then MAKE them listen. Wait until you're all together and then MAKE them listen to you. If you have to Yell to get their attention, then do so. But then you should remember to keep calm and collected if possible, otherwise it may further your family's beliefs that it could be swept under the rug. If you try to get your message across calmly and politely (if and where possible) then it will/may be easier for them to hear you, really hear you and understand you.

    I hope this helps, and I'm always here to listen if you need to rant. Just pm me ok?
    regards,
    the cat :grin:
     
  3. InaRut

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2007
    Messages:
    0
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Montreal, Quebec, Canada
    Interesting how every time I post a rant the solution is always to talk to my family. Maybe that's because the best solution would be to just talk. But I really feel like I can't talk to my family, I can't be open with them.

    ...

    I always feel so selfish. I had to type that rant like I said to clear my thoughts but right now all I can think of a way to help myself is to, "Endure."

    And maybe I am being selfish.


    I've tried posting rants before actually and usually end with "This is stupid" -Close window-
     
    #3 InaRut, Mar 29, 2008
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2008
  4. beckyg

    beckyg Guest

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2007
    Messages:
    6,656
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    Middle of Oregon
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Phil, it sounds like your family may still be in that denial stage. It also sounds like you have a difficult time talking to them. I know there is one thing you are GREAT at and that is being funny. Maybe you should just joke about being gay to your family once in a while. Make it lighthearted so they know its STILL there and that you are STILL gay. It might become easier to have conversations around it.

    As far as going to college, it is scary. All transitions to something new is scary. I think you are going to find though that it will be easier to come out in college and there are so many more groups and things you can join to meet more gay people.
     
  5. kevinx519

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 16, 2006
    Messages:
    173
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Cali
    I agree with both becky and vampyre. Communication is key in getting your point across. So maybe if you cant express things verbally, write them a note explaining all your feelings, doubts, etc etc. I find its easier to write it all out and not have to think of things on the spot. As for university, all you can do is tough it out and hope for the best. I know thats what a lot of people say all the time but sometimes thats just what you got to do. If your room mate doesn't accept you, I don't think itd be the end of the world. just focus on the new things you get to experience. Feeling lost and confused is a part of every teenager's life and can last even beyond those years. But with age, I think we all come to realize who we are, what we want in life and what we have to do to get it. Just take things slowly and know that if things don't go as planned, it can only open up new doors. Hope this helps.
     
  6. Paul_UK

    Paul_UK Guest

    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2004
    Messages:
    6,885
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    What about a printed copy of your post here?
     
  7. InaRut

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2007
    Messages:
    0
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Montreal, Quebec, Canada
    I can't. I can't just talk to my family. Maybe I can talk to my oldest brother...but I just can't talk to anyone without feeling selfish. I don't want to hand them a printed letter either. That'd be cowardly...it wouldn't be a "Phil" thing to do.

    I wish I could take your advice but just thinking about actually talking about my problems it makes me cringe. The way I picture my brother reacting to it..this thing he does...

    I need someone new...a total stranger...someone bold enough to give me a kick in my rear.

    I don't know. Just I think the best thing to do is endure. and hope university goes smoothly. But I'll have to make sure that I am there to learn not to throw my heart to all the cute boys.
     
  8. kevinx519

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 16, 2006
    Messages:
    173
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Cali
    Well maybe the letter wouldnt disclose everything that you want to say but will just give your family an idea of what you're feeling. Think of it as a conversation opener.
     
  9. GlindaRose

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2008
    Messages:
    1,230
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Well perhaps if you can't talk to your family, is there another person you trust enough that you can come out to, and talk to them??
    Hope you're feeling better.
     
  10. Paul_UK

    Paul_UK Guest

    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2004
    Messages:
    6,885
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Exactly. It's not a substitute to the conversation, it's a way of getting it started. You don't hand over the letter then disappear (well OK, maybe to the next room for a couple of minutes while they read it), stay there to carry on the discussion.

    "Mum, dad, I've got some stuff on my mind and it's easier and clearer if I put them in writing. Please read this. I'm just going to fetch a drink then we can talk about it."
     
  11. InaRut

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2007
    Messages:
    0
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Montreal, Quebec, Canada
    Why do I always do the thinking at odd times. It's now 1:00 in the morning...listening to my iHome I got thinking...I'm a stubborn man. So I don't see myself having a problem with coming out in university. If my roomate doesn't like it I'm sure I can say, "Take it or leave it." If I keep seeing university as a clean slate then I'm sure I can build up the man that is waiting to be built inside of me. and I mean with GLBT meetings right next door I should be fine. I don't think I'm worried about university. It's what I need at this point in my life.

    4 hours away from home could be a good thing. A REALLY good thing.

    As for my family. Perhaps the reason they treat me as straight is because I give them the front that I don't want to be treated gay. And it's true. I don't want to be treated as gay. So if their ideals of respecting me is to point out all the hot women in the room then I can take it as a compliment, but they are still going to get a disgruntled moan out of me.

    What does bother me is WHY don't I feel safe talking to my family? Is it because I'm a coward? Same reason I won't come out.

    Although I have to say, I am ready to come out. I am the WALRUS after all (Cu-cu-cu-chu). And when I think of why I want to come out it's because I'm sick of being lonely and creating barely meaningful relationships with people online. The kind of, "Well I can visit you in 10 years." They are stupid. I'm making a promise to myself that I will never settle for internet dating again. Although I feel ready I won't fully out myself until university. Mostly because in 5-6 months I'll be on my way to university. And what's the point of having a relationship for 5-6 (I don't want to say 6...seems like so long I'll be in that DAMN FACTORY!) months.

    So here is the game plan
    From now till September: Endure this lonely, factory worker life. Let my family say and believe what they want. It's not going to change me. And when I get to university I won't be pushed back into the closet. *Puts his stubborn face on*

    Sorry guys but I can't take your advice, I just don't feel secure enough to talk with my family. It's a personal matter...

    Now for the next topic to think about..."Why can't I talk to my family? And what role do I play in my family?"
     
  12. Bromptonrocks

    Joined:
    Sep 16, 2007
    Messages:
    129
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Hey Phil,

    Sorry you don't feel able to take the advice offered but I guess you have to decide what you're comfy with. Perhaps Uni will give you the distance and "thinking time" that perhaps you and your family need.

    You said above that giving your parents a letter is not a "Phil thing", which suggests you may prefer to talk to them face to face. But you won't/can't do that either. Something has got to give. If they can't see the light, you've got to shine it into their eyes.

    I'll say the same word as the others above - COMMUNICATE. Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear but if your parents/brother don't know how you feel, you've got to tell them.

    If you feel like chatting, PM me.