Greetings folks, By a strange twist of fate, I heard an interview with Brené Brown on NPR today. By another seeming coincidence, this has also been recommended by one of EC's advisors today (Thanks Chip!). I keyed into it during the day today, however, because it has been a theme of mine for the past few days. Here is her TED talk: Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability - YouTube I cannot urge you strongly enough to watch this short video. It is what this site is all about. Our need for wholehearted love and for meaningful connection is precisely why it is so important to leave our closets empty and to leave behind our feelings of shame and fear that go along with it. She has done incredible research into peoples stories of shame and the fear of disconnection: the question that people have of themselves "is there something about me that if other people know it or see it that I won't be worthy of connection" and she talks about the need to be seen, to be really seen for what we are as the critical and necessary element for connection. This being seen is "crushing vulnerability". I have posted elsewhere of my feeling vulnerable after recently coming out, because for the first time I feel that I can finally love someone wholeheartedly, that I can take the risk of "saying I love you, first" or of making that phone call to someone who just lost someone dear to them. During the interview, she stated that the biggest risk of all is to stay on the sidelines, to be a spectator in life instead of entering the ring, where one is seen and where one must face the risk of defeat or the possibility of victory. She went on to say that many people feel they can only enter that ring if they are 100% prepared and "bulletproof", but that's not what others want to see, they are more willing to see vulnerability and to respond to it with kindness and support. In most of the coming out threads that I've read here, most of the responses to people coming out have been incredible pride, love and support. These stories are nowhere near perfect examples of coming out, there are stumbles and hesitations, but when people are prepared to be vulnerable, incredible things start happening. The most significant thing she said was that it is a common fallacy to associate vulnerability with weakness. In fact, it is the opposite; the wilingness to accept vulnerability as a prerequisite for wholehearted connection is a demonstration of incredible courage. She stated that too many of us accept numbness as the way to avoid the negative feelings that come with vulnerability, but choosing numbness also kills the possibility of joy, this is so important: vulnerability is a necessary condition for feeling anything at all! The rabbis of old asked the question: why do people do evil or wrong things? The answer is that people feel themselves either stronger or weaker than they really are. When they think themselves too strong, arrogance sets in and cruelty is not far behind, but when they feel themselves too weak (too vulnerable), fear takes over, and the lying begins... Dare to be vulnerable! Not only in love, but in all aspects of life. Many situations will demand vulnerability as the price of admission, or the key to unlocking your closet doors. Vulnerability is the only path to real and meaningful connection.
This makes so much sense. It's all to easy to feel vulnerable and just shut down. But to feel vulnerable and overcome that feeling is quite liberating!
Vulnerability, according to Dr. Brown's research, is the birthplace of courage, creativity, connection, authenticity, empathy, and the ability to love and be loved. Without vulnerability, we can have none of those things. And yet... the paradox is, vulnerability is the first thing we want to see in others (we want them to be open and authentic with us) and the last thing we want to put out for others to see. So the path to connection requires vulnerability in both directions. Coming out is, by nature of what it is, one of the most vulnerable things we can do in our lives. It's putting ourselves out there and letting ourselves be seen as we are, and acknowledging to ourselves that we are enough exactly as we are. And, of course, being closeted is the antithesis of being vulnerable, which is why it's so important, for our emotional health, to be out and open and authentic about who we are. That's one of the reasons I talk so incessantly about Dr. Brown's work. I feel like there's nothing more crucial for people who are seeking to be emotionally healthy and happy.
Greatwhale, when I read your post I was instantly reminded of one of my heroes Harvey Milk. He seems to be a forgotten Icon for the LGBTQ. He made a call for all of our brothers and sisters to come out. There was a challenge which would allow discrimination against LGBTQ people in the workplace. He made the call and yes people struggled to do so, they did. The laws never happened and discriminatory laws were brought down. The call is below in red. It is true that as we become vulnerable we gain strength. As we stand naked we clothed in our new power. Coming out is tough. There may be consequences. There is no guarantee that leaving the closet will be safe. It will empower as you have felt my friend. Yes becoming vulnerable not only lifts you but it lifts all of us and makes us greater and more. You have found and ability to love in freedom. You have found who you are and stepped up. Imagine if all who live in closets closed to the words eyes opened the doors and came out how much more the world would be. All of this is true but none of it happens unless we stand up and accept ourselves first. Only then can we be vulnerable to self and the world. Thanks for the great post and the video. Harvey Milk (22 May 1930 – 27 November 1978) Harvey Milk - Wikiquote The Pioneer HARVEY MILK - TIME The words of Harvey Milk. Uncle Donald's Castro Street- HARVEY MILK - index
Actually, Dr. Brown's research does not support that idea. Since vulnerability is the birthplace of courage, and since courage is necessary to stand up and accept who we are as LGBT people, we cannot accept ourselves until we are willing to be vulnerable. This is a subtle but important distinction. Accepting oneself as gay, for example, means accepting, along with it, all of the downsides (what our friends or family will say, the discrimination we may experience, etc.) Without being open to vulnerability to accept those things... we simply can't access the courage to come out. So in general, according to Dr. Brown's work, we need to cultivate openness and vulnerability... to allow ourselves to open up. Of course, to do that, we have to be willing to walk into that place of vulnerability, and most people are petrified with fear when first doing that. So it is by the act of walking into vulnerability that we find courage, not the other way around.
greatwhale, thanks for posting this. I have watched it before and it is indeed very relevant to this site. I enjoyed watching it again. But I really wanted to say thanks for your recent posts many of which I have read. There is one word you use here and elsewhere - and Dr Brown uses often in her talk. Its a word so related to vulnerability but seems to be even more loaded than that emotion, especially amongst gay men. LOVE. I have noticed over my years of reading all sorts about being gay how astonishingly rarely the little-big four letter word appears in the discourse. Its as if to admit to seeking love, desiring love, wanting love, needing love, being in love, saying 'I love you' is the ultimate vulnerability amongst the gay male population. Im not going to say anymore here. But surely there is a thread in there somewhere.
So true, there is a really big thread in here, but for the moment, I can only say that having experienced one too many hookups, one too many meaningless encounters, the thought of another one depresses me. There were some instances during these encounters where love could have happened and didn't, where even expressing the word, love, was impossible, and was sometimes substituted with the word "emotional", or "close", what a hangup! It's almost as if we've used up all our strength to come out and be gay, and then there's nothing left to take it to the next logical conclusion...
Hi Whale, Lots of catching up to do. I suspect not realizing you were gay early on and pursuing it, even in a closeted way has set you back. You already understand the issue and how it applies to you as an individual. For years you pretended to be straight based on your known and accepted straight stereotypes. Now you realize you are gay and finding that some of the known and accepted gay stereotypes don't fit either. Far better to be you, do what makes you comfortable. Then when love comes it is for who you are rather than an act you are putting on.
Very true, Skiff, The label "gay" works for me now, but it is still within the context of an orientation. I have expressed elsewhere that I like "orientation" because of its very imprecision, I consider it a general direction, like the direction on a compass rose, I am already on the way to a more precise understanding of my orientation, but that does not change in any way my vulnerability!
Wow, this is such a coincidence! On PersonalityCafe last night, a user had the TED link in his signature to her later video. By the way, the OP link does not work (for me at least), so here is the link to both of her videos with her profile, etc. It's absolutely refreshing to hear these topics like vulnerability and shame being discussed publicly, and deconstructing the shamefulness of shame caused by our social constructs is what can bring people, as we see with LGBT communities and in general, together.
