While I am still in the closet, I still dream of what my ideal life would be like once I come out. Even when I dream, I run into fears about making that future happen. I dream of being happily partnered in a monogamous relationship with one or two kids before I get into my 40s. I know better than to accept the stereotype that all gay men want open relationships, but it still sounds like the men who might want monogamy and/or children are few and far between. I then also fear that among this smaller group of men, that I will not be able to find someone I am physically attracted to. Again there is a stereotype in my mind that says attractive guys can get as much sex as they want so why would they ever want a committed, monogamous relationship? Conversely, I worry that no one in this smaller group of men who want commitment could find me attractive. I have a number of unrelated health issues and other losses of the genetic lottery that are innocuous individually, but when compiled together make it difficult for me to see myself as attractive to others. I know part of this stems from deep seated feelings of unworthiness that I have had since I was young, but objectively speaking I am at best below average in the looks department. So, I find dreaming of what I want reminds me of what I have to lose the longer I wait to come out, but my doubts at the same time tell me, "What is the point if the odds of finding what I desire are close to impossible?" Sort of a catch-22 in my own mind at least. Thoughts? Are my dreams completely unrealistic? Am I holding myself back from coming out by thinking about what I want ten years down the line? I don't plan to date for a bit after I come out as I recognize that I have a lot of self worth issues to deal with before I can truly give of myself in a relationship, but I just can't see my expectations of what I want out of a relationship changing. I don't expect to find love right away, I am just pretty sure I know what I want long term.
Well, no, I don't think they're unrealistic at all. While you're pretty vague about what you feel is wrong with you, I truly believe that "there's a lid for every pot". Case in point, I've never seen you or spoken to you, but I find your command of the English language quite interesting. I like not only what you've said, but the way that you said it. Perhaps a more appropriate example would be how I fell head over heels in love with a man who was absolutely nothing that I find attractive. He was 6'5" and 80lbs overweight, arrogant, rude racist and homophobic (sounds dreamy right?) But although all of those things are what I would think are "deal breakers" it didn't matter one bit, I would have walked thru fire for him (and I'm ashamed to say even 7 years later, if he called, I'd fall over myself to get to the phone.) My point is you can't ever predict what others will see in you, there's always someone who will find you irresistible in spite of what you may think of yourself. Keep your chin up, and get yourself out there or you'll always wonder what might have been. ---------- Post added 31st Mar 2013 at 02:03 AM ---------- I should also point out that I am the embodiment of you fear of waiting too long. I'm nearly twice your age and have never had a relationship because I was too scared and or ashamed to try. Don't let it happen to you too!!
Thanks. I just reread my initial post and I sure done did use a lot of them thar fancy words! In all seriousness, I do try to be as coherent as possible when I post online. Especially when I am confused and looking for answers.
I just re-read mine too... "But although....". What was I thinking? I'll attribute it to Yuengling Lagers & shots of Wild Turkey American Honey or I had a mini-stroke.
I've done the same 'what are the odds of finding someone' conversation as you with myself. Don't. It's depressing. However, there are people out there who want the same things. I'm not out and don't plan on for a while yet, but I too would love to meet one man to grow old with, raise children with, marry. Not in that order You describe yourself as below average looking, but I think only the most shallow person would be put off. I have had crushes on guys who are not typically good looking because of their personality or their intelligence or just 'something'. I'm probably not an oil painting myself so I can hardly talk, but my point is that physical attraction and love is far more than someone's physical appearance. Like the other poster, your command of the English language is really something attractive to me. I hope I'm not sounding creepy, but I really like people who write well as it indicates that they are somewhat intelligent (which is a quality that is high on my 'ideal man' list). So you'll find someone, someday. ---------- Post added 1st Apr 2013 at 11:04 PM ---------- And I've just realised that you did capitalise the letter 'I'! So did I, but somehow it's come out little...
Couple of thoughts... First of all: I do think that excessive planning can sometimes be detrimental to actually getting somewhere. Because by the end, one can get wrapped up in plans. The more you invest in a very detailed plan, the less you see other options. And often, excessive thinking leads to plans becoming so unwieldy as to be impossible. The combination of seeing only one plan with noticing the plan is unwieldy then risks causing you to conclude the goal itself is not achievable in the first place. However, nothing could be further from the truth. After all, many people started off where you are and ended up in long-term committed relationships just fine. And no, not all of them were supergenius supermodels who had access to a commitment-inducing superweapon How can this be? Well, first of all: attractiveness is in the eye of the beholder. There's no such thing as an objective scale that leaves 50% in the dust below average (the sheer fact that the human race doesn't consist of 50% lifelong bachelors is proof of this). Looks count for something, but so does a sense of humour, shared interests, passion about what you're doing... the list goes on (and contains different items for everyone). There are bound to be people who have enough similarities to make them compatible and interested in a relationship. Secondly... I have been known to joke that EC is a site with over 20,000 members, who all occasionally bitch how they're the only ones in the world interested in serious relationships Also, I might not have a big sample of gay people I know personally, but even there, the ones who insist on keeping everything open are a minority. Most seem to be looking (or have found) committed relationships just like what you describe as your dream. Now, if there isn't a definite plan that can get you to what you want with a 100% success rate, then how do you go about it? The best answer, IMO, is to see what your immediate steps are and assess those. Take the ones that seem to increase your odds, and avoid the ones that don't. For example, right now, you have the choice between: a) staying in the closet. Chances of dream happening: not precisely 0%, but very low b) try to come out to some people, either ones you know directly, or ones you don't know, by joining a GLBT organisation. Chances of dream happening: going up by a couple of %, as you're making headway on building an open gay life for yourself. After that, other options will open themselves. Giving a personal example, after I came out, I decided to try and be as honest as possible with my friends about just what I wanted out of life (again, % goes up, as it leads to some good discussion, thinking, and advice from friends. Self-knowledge is ones best weapon). Yeah, it isn't like working to a deadline, but it allows you to get progress, and still evaluate options when they occur. And of course, if some insight is needed for any of those options, all of us are here to lend our two cents
Astoundingly well thought out reply Philip! If I ever get to Belgium, I most definitely want to meet you!
Actually, even if you are below average in the looks department, I think the long term relationship is possible. In fact, a long term relationship is more than possible. Years back, I casually knew a woman who did a study. The theme? The closer it gets to closing time in a bar, the more beautiful the women get. I am not--and I repeat not--making this up. The conclusion was that yes, women become more attractive to straight men. But the reason why is interesting--the closer it gets to closing time, the more men interact with the women. In other words, they get to know them as people, not pretty faces. I honestly believe what's inside--our inner beauty--is a lot more important in a LTR than mere looks.
Thanks for your thoughts everyone! You definitely are helping me to have a healthier/more realistic outlook.
I think the vast majority of people dream of having the same thing. I think the idea of gay guys being almost unable to commit to long term monogamous relationships really has no basis in reality but is widely portrayed to be the case. I, and a lot of my gay friends, want to be settled in a strong, loving, stable relationship and have a family at some point in the future. I think everybody has hang-ups and insecurities about their looks,self worth, etc. I think this becomes amplified for gay people because they are made to feel inferior in many other ways and in many other aspects of life and that can really lower one's self esteem. You probably have much more to offer to a relationship than you give yourself credit for. Maybe it's my youthful naivety, but I really think that there is someone for everyone, it's just a matter of getting out their and finding them.
