Hi, Iv'e never done this before. I have never told anyone ever that I am gay and have never had anyone to talk to. In fact I am nervous right now writing on an anonymous web forum, that somehow someone will read what I post and be able to identify it as me, which I know is ridiculous but that just shows you how in the closet I am. But I know I need help, I need some one to talk to...anyone and so I am going to try and give this a go. I figure instead of posting one wall of text novel of everything Iv'e bottled up for years and hoping someone will read it all I will start posting individual threads over time about specific problems I have been trying to deal with. I guess since this is my first post I should start with some back ground. I am 23 years old and about to graduate college and start the next part of my life as a professional adult. I have always known I was gay as the attraction to girls was just never prevalent but it never really started bothering me till last year. I just keep myself busy with school work and other things and try to bury it and forget... just not think about it. As I said I have literally told no one, this right here is my first attempt at talking about this with anyone. I am just always so depressed and alone and I feel so isolated from everyone in my life. Its funny how I am scared shitless to tell anyone because I am worried I will be rejected by anyone I tell and then I will be all alone, when I in fact feel all alone right now! So to the specific point of this post my question to everyone is do any of you have an internal dialogue in your head sometimes that just beats the shit out of yourself? For me it usually happens when I get drunk, which is hard to avoid in college... But even sometimes when I am sober especially later at night before I go to bed I just start thinking terrible things about myself. Things like how much of a freak I am, and how no one will ever want me even if I was out, that I should just end it all ect ect... How do you guys deal with this? I have more or less excepted internally that I am gay but I hate myself for it. I just want to be normal like all my friends and family. Iv'e tried to deal with this by not drinking so much when I go out which my friends notice and bitch about. It's funny how when I am sober and feeling ok about myself I can work though most of what I say as bullshit but the thoughts still keep coming back and I still get super depressed from them. I feel like this is an aspect of my life that is never going to change and I am going to be alone forever. I'm 23 and I have only had 1 girl friend my whole life back in high-school for a month just so I could have a date to prom and feel normal... I've been alone my whole life in regards to a significant other and its something I know I need to face and change this at some point but I am just so scared of loosing everyone I love and I fear no one would ever accept me. Its funny though how the other side of the coin is being alone the rest of my life which is just as bad... Well I will end it here as I do not want this to become to long of a post. I have so much more to say and get off my chest I will probably post more at some point in the near future relating to other specific topics. Even if no one responds to this I think it was good for me to vent and just type this out somewhere. I have lurked here for a long time and you guys have giving me allot of hope and support just from reading other posts. Ive told myself for a long time that I would start posting here and well it took me long enough haha. Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read and respond to this. It ended up being a bit longer then I intended.
All the time. I try to laugh at myself when I realize I'm doing it though. It ruins a perfectly good day.
Me too. I have always had a constant commentary going on in my head ( I suspect that most of us do) . The older I get the better I am (in general) at handling it. I find that meditation helps me clear a space. I have also become better at distancing myself from it, forcing myself to have a chuckle at that tired old voice stuck in a rut. However, some days it still has the power to drag me down a bit.
I think we all suffer from mentally beating ourselves up from time to time. Whenever I catch myself doing it, I make myself say 5 things I like about myself. Somebody once asked: "If you had a friend who talked to you the way you talk to yourself, how long would you be friends?" The answer would probably be NOT VERY LONG. Lol. ALSO: If you've accepted the fact that you're gay, the next step is to become comfortable with it. Don't hate yourself, no matter what. You need to love yourself, first and foremost, regardless of who you are. You also need to remember that there are people out there who will love and support you in the LGBT community (and outside). EC is a great resource for support and acceptance. Try to remember that your sexual orientation does not change who you are. Love yourself either way. Good luck on not beating yourself up anymore. Remember to love yourself! I hope things go well for you! Always remember that you can find support here.
First things first... You've told us you're gay and we all accept you and support you (&&&) Perhaps not as comforting as it could be, this just being an online forum and all, but you gotta start somewhere To answer your question: Yes, there was a time when I would do something like what you describe. I've always 'talked to myself' for as long as I can remember, but there was a period in college where I was either in a very dark place or climbing out of the very dark place I was in before I left home. Regardless there were more than a few nights of telling myself just how awful I was or how awful my life was. Usually running as background to being curled up in a ball in the dark while sobbing quietly. Good times. Where we mainly differ is that for me, figuring out I was gay was like a bright light suddenly turning on. Some of the dark had already lifted by that point and a lot of the rest of it got blown away when I discovered that I like guys. I wasn't totally out of the dark just because of that, but it went a long way toward that eventual point. And with the ending of the dark, the voice in my head (at least the negative one) pretty much went away. Or at least got a lot quieter. As far as your feelings about being gay... You're not a freak and I'm sure there is someone out there who will want you. There is no reason to hate yourself for being gay any more than you should hate yourself for being right or left handed or having a particular eye color or the like. It's just part of who you are and it's as normal as being right or left-handed. Or no more non-normal anyway. I think you'll find that quite a lot of people will accept you and some of them will want to be more than friends with you. You don't need to be alone your whole life. Being gay just means that the person you're with will be a guy instead of a woman. Some people may choose to be bothered by you being with a guy, but that's their problem, not yours (and things are changing in our favor pretty quickly right now). Quite a lot of people not only won't care but will be happy to call you and your significant other friends, colleagues, and even 'uncle A and uncle B' (speaking from experience here). You need not be alone forever. At least in the virtual sense, and where EC is concerned, you are not alone now. Todd
I have been in the same situation for years. i just recently came out to the first person, my best friend. Once you have gotten comfortable with yourself being gay, your next step is to tell someone. You just have to find that perfect person. From personal experience, I can tell you that even just coming out to one person will make you feel better. Since I came out, I have never mentally beat myself up or felt bad about it at all. I promise you, it gets better.
Yep, I really have a problem with thinking badly about myself. I had to go to go to counseling for a while. The trick to thinking positively is to not worry about what others think of you. I have a hard time with this, especially when it comes to my sexuality. Just remember, there are people who care about you!
From the time I wake up to the time I go to bed. And even then sometimes my dreams like to make me feel worse....
Hey, welcome to EC!! I'm so glad that you felt comfortable enough to finally share your story with us. Guess what? We're all in the same boat or have been at some point in our lives, so I know it's not easy. I know relate to what you're experiencing, especially when you're under the influence. I used alcohol as a means to cover up my feelings, but it only made me realize how real they actually were/are. I also used to beat myself up about being gay, but it's made me who I am today. I'm not as shy as I was in high school. I'm more vocal about my opinions regarding any and every issue you can think of. I think being in college opened my eyes. I met some awesome people who accepted me for who I am, which helped me feel more comfortable being gay. And there's nothing like the support of people who are just like you, here on EC, so please stick around. I'm sure you'll gain a ton of confidence and learn how to accept being gay. While it isn't the worst thing that can happen to someone, your life isn't over...it's just beginning (*hug*)
