Coming out to myself...

If there's one thing I've learnt in the last couple of days on this forum is that sexuality is almost unable to be defined. That is rough but I think it's something that most people come to accept. Don't feel bad about that, don't blame yourself, you are who you are, even if that's not entirely clear right now!

Do you mean you indulge sexually with both groups? This is only unhealthy if it's unsafe sex. If it's just bisexual behaviour that is NOT unhealthy.

I think it comes gradually. I'm getting closer to it everyday, but still I've only come out to one person! I think you just need to learn about yourself. Ask questions, things that make you think.

'What sex are you attracted to?' Men? Women? Both? All?

'Who do I feel like on the inside?' This I'm sure is one of the hardest to answer, as you might not like the answer.

Things like that. Challenge yourself. Do something that makes you feel amazing and gives you time to think! I've had some major (non-sexuality) accomplishments in my life, and I look at stuff like that, it doesn't mean anything to anyone else but it does to me. It took me ages to think like that, but I'm getting better. By this I mean to say, do something to realise you're own self worth and abilities. Maybe from that accepting who you are might just follow on

 

It's all to do with Conditioning, as a boy you are expected to be a stereotypical boy, wear blue as a baby, play with action figures & toy cars, play sports, be brave, don't Cry or show your emotions, date girls & Marry a women, live in a big house with a white picket fence, with your 2.3 children & live happily ever after.

No wonder your minds fucked up, your heads telling you one thing & your heart something completely different, in your heart you know your Gay, but your head is filled with all this Heterosexual crap, there is nothing wrong with wanting a child, that's only natural, bringing up a child is not exclusive to straight people, Mom & Dad can still be Grandparents, if that's a issue.

The main important person in all of this is you, if you are Gay, sleeping with a woman is never gone match the experience of sleeping with a man, don't make the mistake a lot of Gay men make, by hiding in a closet making everybody else happy by marrying a woman, having children & then so far down the line, being faced with repressed Gay feelings, cheating on your wife with other men.

Many homophobic sources that would have made you believe that Gay people are sinful & Gay sex is dirty & something to feel guilty about is just bullshit, John Lennon once said "how can any kind of Love, be a bad Love" being Gay is just as normal as being Straight, it's about finding someone to Love & spending the rest of your life with them.

If your Gay, your Gay end off, those that matter won't mind & those that mind Don't matter

 

I can offer you some questions that you can think over. While you ponder, you might reach a more decisive conclusion about yourself or at least make progress along the way.

1. What do you see in a happy future for yourself? Kids? A guy? A girl? Either? Or are you not sure? For me, it'd always been a guy. That'd helped me fully realize that I only liked guys in that way.

2. Can you see yourself dating a guy, sleeping with a guy, loving a guy, getting married to a guy, living with a guy, and so on? How about with a girl? Again, for me, it'd always only been guys for all of the above things.

3. You said you've slept with a girl. Why do you say it was a horrible experience?

I'll give you my thoughts when I had been undecided (granted, I was like 14, and it may not exactly be the same thing as what you're going through). I found gender to be irrelevant for people in terms of as friends. That was my personal, idealogical belief.

Yet I'd always gotten along with girls, mostly. As I grew up, I lost my guy friends. Why? I don't know. Even in terms of romance and such, I'd always believed that it doesn't matter what gender you are, in terms of my ideals. Why, then, can I not love a girl the way I can love a guy? I don't know.

Maybe the answer is just simply that I am the way I am. Maybe it's the same reason that bananas are yellow (that is to say, there is no real reason). Who knows?

What's important, though, is that you learn to become comfortable with yourself, no matter how you are. You can still build a family with another guy. I understand you don't want to close yourself off to women, but... It's possible that females aren't for you. I can't say, for sure, because these things are subjective and it's hard to know when I don't know you that much.

I hope you think about these things and gain some clarity as a result. There's nothing wrong with whatever answer you may come up with, and there is no wrong answer. (*hug*)

 

I accepted that I am gay for the simple reason that I will not enter ever again into a relationship with a woman, knowing my orientation.

I know my orientation because I know how I feel when contemplating a wholehearted relationship (sexual and emotional) with a man and how that feels with a woman. It's a matter of how strong that feeling is in the comparison. It's not a matter of experience, it's an internal process.

It's not a choice to be gay, the only choice you have is whether or not to accept it. And accepting it means that you will, for the foreseeable future also have to accept that any such relationship with a woman is off the table.

You need to take into account what a woman will give up for you in a relationship, and if it is anything less that wholehearted on your part, you need to make a decision.

It's not just about liking the idea of being with a man, it's also that you may never be able to be in a wholehearted relationship with a woman.

That is what I have had for the past 20 years in a bad marriage, a superficial relationship where I have always held back whatever love I could have given wholeheartedly to a man. I do not want that for you.

 

I'm gunna take a few things from previous comments:

Ive also realised in my short time here that sexuality is such a complicated thing! i always thought you were gay, straight or Bi. And thats whats always confused me and still does to this day. I am definately more sexually attracted to men. I love women, I admire beauty and know which girls hot or not but not much of a desire to do anything other than as an achievement ( I know that sounds bad)

Ive also fooled around with a guy and had sex with one girl and share similar opinions as you although i wouldnt say it was ok it was great!

Acceptance is a tough thing. Personally recently as I know I lean towards gay I just wish I was gay! Gays are much more accepted now and stereotypes are mostly a thing of the past and theres a familiarity with it. theres not a familiarity with all those other sexualities which is why I wish i could say I was gay.

Maybe I'm just in denial but when I say I'm gay it just doesn't feel right although I dont think id be afraid to say it and i keep thinking about what it would be like to come out. If I came out as gay I can see it going well. anything else i feel people wouldnt understand.

Anyway I think if you list what you like (like Luthans last comment) maybe that will help you discover and begin to accept. Also I think EC's the best place for this as the abnormal is normal and nothings weird and everyone is helpful

 

Bit of tough love but I think you've gotta cheer up and stop feeling sorry for yourself otherwise you're not gonna get anywhere. If you want to get in shape then do it! If not then thats fine! I dont know your full story but i do know that deppresion has never got anyone anywhere (not anywhere good anyway) Looking at your profile and stuff your not confident enough to put a photo of yourself up (that could be a start). You obviously didnt have a good experience with a women and the fact your mind wandered shows it wasn't very passionate. Peope will love you but only if you love yourself (*hug*)


Do you have any career plans or life ambitions to get you motivated and smiling :icon_bigg

sorry if some of this parallels on a wall message reply

PS: Wales and Scotland are in Britain (as is England and Northern Ireland) So if you like Britain Wales and Scotland, you like Britain

 

Empty Closets - Stages of Coming Out

 

I'm here too. I just moved onto to this stage this week after I drunkenly blurted it out to a friend of mine.

I don't think that there's anything you can do to move on from any of the stages. I think it's sort of a natural process that moves at it's own pace. The next stage is about embracing being gay, I'm not there yet but I think it's something that will probably come naturally in time. I suppose gradually coming out to more and more people who are accepting of who you are would probably help you to really accept and be completely ok with the fact that you're gay. But again, it's something that you can't really control, you'll just know when the time is right, kind of like when you come out for the first time.

 

I get what you mean. I think this is pretty common though, I'm not out to enough people yet to know if I'll have much support either. I think this is why a lot of gay people say that when they started going out to gay bars and stuff and met other gay people who were going through similar things they kind of built up a support network and often refer to them as their family. I don't know much about your situation but I think maybe something like this could be helpful, we all definitely need support going through the coming out process and if it isn't already there then I guess you kind of have to go out and find it.

 

That's really good that you're making progress and that you have somebody there for you. I can really relate to the faith issue, growing up in Ireland in a staunchly Catholic family was one of my biggest stumbling blocks in accepting that I was gay. Even though my immediate family and I don't really practice religion we still have Catholic beliefs and being gay is a massive no no in Catholicism. That's kind of why I haven't come out fully yet, if my grandmother ever found out she'd chase me with a cross and a bucket of holy water and try to perform an exorcism. But I managed to reconcile it with my faith and so did my mother. I hope you'll be able to do the same.

It's a pity you don't think your family would be supportive, but college is a great place to find support. MIne has a big LGBT society that I want to join next year, I've avoided it up till now because then everyone would know. Good luck with your new friend!