I could really use some advice please

So just to give some background...
I've only recently accepted the fact that I'm gay, and currently the only people who know are my best friend and one of her friends (although I wouldn't be surprised if others are suspicious considering I've never had a girlfriend and I don't talk about girls like most guys do).
But anyway, so last summer I met this kid and we clicked instantly. Like literally within the week we met we were quickly becoming best friends. Everyone kept saying we were in a bromance (which we were) and we did everything together and even wore matching outfits a couple times. We made so many plans for the future, and it kinda turned into an us against the world thing because others didn't seem too fond of our friendship for some reason. So everything was going great, until the last couple weeks of summer. We both just stopped talking to each other (I thought he was mad at me and I later found out he thought I was mad at him) and our friendship pretty much ended. I tried to fix it over and over again to no avail. This caused the start of depression because I couldn't get over the fact that I lost pretty much the only friend I had ever felt that close to (and this isn't the first time I was depressed, but it was a different reason). So anyway fast forward a few months of depressed-ness and you reach now. About two weeks ago we met up for the first time since last summer, and that instant click was still there. We hung out later that week at his house and he kept talking about how much he misses last summer and how great we need to make this one. It's as if our friendship is back on track. Every time we hang out we hug before we part ways, and there have been multiple <3's and "love you" sent in txts (I know it means nothing, but still). We talk about our future as if we'll always be friends.
Even though our friendship is on the road to recovery, the months of depression have taken their toll and have given me a very bleak outlook on all aspects of life. (I'm going to get myself evaluated at some point).

Where my problem comes in is the fact that he's straight, and I can't get over the fact that no matter how much I want our friendship to be more than just that, it's not going to happen. I'm sure you guys have heard a million times people saying that "this is the one" or "I will never get over him", but that's honestly how I feel even though I know it's not going to work out. I don't want to just end the friendship without giving him a reason because I feel like that would be extremely selfish and I am the kind of person who will do anything for someone else, even if that means enduring a situation like this. Being with him makes me profoundly happy, but sad at the same time because I know he doesn't feel the way I do. Here it is almost 2:30 A.M. and I can't sleep because I literally think about him/us from the time I wake up until when at night my mind gets so tired of hearing it that I eventually fall asleep; scenarios over and over again that will never happen. Part of me just wants to tell him how I feel, and I've already accepted the fact that if I do so I might lose him as a friend, just so I could possibly move on. At least that way if it goes bad it would be his decision to end the friendship. I have absolutely no clue how he would react. I lost him once and became depressed so if I lose him again I don't think it'll have that much more of an impact on me. I wish it could be like a movie where I tell him right before I get in my car to drive across the country and start a new life.

But anyway, I really appreciate it if you took the time to read any of that and I would really appreciate any thoughts or advice.

 

I've been in sort of similar situations (what I'd call heavy bromance, but my intentions were somewhat more involved). Because I am a coward I never told him and regret it to this day, my advice is he needs to know if just to give you some closure and yes move your life on if he says it is never going to happen.

Best of luck and let us know how it goes.

 

I think you sould tell him. The worst that happens is you end up not being friends anymore. Bases on what you have said, I don't think he would break the relationship anyway. And who knows, he could be gay too, or even bi? Only one way to find out. Good luck to you and keep your chin up! It'll be ok!

 

Thanks for the replies everyone. I agree that if he really cares about our friendship then everything should work out. The only thing that is really holding me back is that I'm afraid that if things do go south, he'll tell his friends and word will get around. Considering I'm only out to two friends, I'm not sure I'm ready for everyone else to know especially through that way. And I can't really judge how it will all go down because even though he's only a year younger than me I'm a freshman in college and he's in high school (college is only 20 min away from home so distance isn't a big deal). So I don't know what his friends are like since when we hang out it's usually only us (his girlfriend was there last time and that kinda got me down seeing them doing their couple thing). But I guess I have to decide if I'm willing to take the risk or not.

 

I think you two should both lay it all out on the line. Tell each other what you want from each other. Just start slowly beings friends with each other. If it turns in to something more, then it turns in to something more.Just be honest with each other.

 

He doesn't talk about future plans as far as settling down and stuff. He does have a girlfriend but as I've learned that doesn't always mean something. I found out that he thought he was gay at one point in his life, but I don't know any other details. And he's not religious so that wouldn't come into play. I've told myself that he's straight, and I'm not dying for him to feel anything more for me. It's just wishful thinking that never stops and keeps me up at night. I was just having a hard time getting over the fact that nothing more will come between us. But I guess anything is possible. The weirdest thing though, Wednesday night I had a dream where we were going to hang out and as we were about to leave, some of his friends showed up to come with us. I got super frustrated and said "all I wanted was for just us to hang out" and he ignored me so I said "you're not even gonna listen, are you?" then walked away. Him and his friends got in their car and yelled things at me as they drove away. Let me tell you I have never felt as crushed before in a dream and when I woke up that feeling was still there. Even though it was just a dream, that feeling was so strong that it kind of affected the way I view the situation.

But in other news, I came out to a friend today who I've known since 3rd grade. She so badly wants me to be happy and is always asking who I like and stuff so she can find me someone to be with. So she asked today in the dining hall, and all I said was "here's the thing" and she said "you're gay?". It was the funniest thing ever. I asked her if it was that obvious, and she said that since I never talk about girls and always shy away from the subject, she figured that either I was really private about that stuff or I was gay. But she told me that it doesn't change the fact that she thinks I'm an awesome person and that she just wants me to be happy!

 

He told me that he's decided to graduate early and enlist, so I honestly don't see a point in possibly messing up the friendship when there's only a short time span left that I'll a actually see him. Besides I've settled on the fact the he is straight so I'm just pursuing a better friendship at this point. Thanks everyone for your advice.