I'm out to my mother and sister and didn't/don't feel ready to come out to any body else yet. A few nights ago I was out with some friends having a few drinks and one of them made some homophobic comment and the others started laughing and it turned into this whole fairly homophobic conversation (It wasn't explicitly homophobic, it was more along the lines of them not having a problem with gays but they don't understand it and pity them) It put me in a weird mood and I drank way more than I should have after that and later I tried to leave without being noticed but one of my friends knew there was something wrong and followed me out and, because I was so drunk, I ended up telling him everything. Had I not been drinking, I know I never would have said anything. His reaction was really positive and I think generally all of my friends will be fine with it, but I still don't feel like I'm ready for them to know and I feel really weird now that I've said it to one of them. I still haven't accepted it yet and now that I've said it out loud that there is no way I can take it back and pretend it's not true and that terrifies me. Sorry for the rant, but basically I was wondering if there is anybody else who came out before they were ready or just blurted it out spontaneously and how they handled the situation?
That really sucks. It WAS a homophobic conversation. Pity denotes feelings of superiority and condescension in modern usage. In effect, they were saying people who are gay are "less than" and they unknowingly made you feel less than human. Completely unacceptable. I am glad you got that positive reaction from your friend. If you are not ready to come out to your other friends yet, you should talk to your friend you told again and let him know how that whole conversation made you feel. Hopefully he will apologize if he was a part of it. He may be able to help steer the conversation in more positive directions if the subject comes up again. Good luck!
Hey buddy, Your friend who you told had a great reaction, and hopefully its the reaction that the rest of them will have. Maybe if/when they find out they'll realize there is nothing to pity, and that being gay really doesn't define a person. After all, they've been friends with a gay guy for a while. So I wouldn't worry to much about their homophobic conversation. As long as your friend won't rat you out, just take your time and come out when you're ready. I'm in a similar situation, out to one friend in a group of friends. He said he'll help me where he can, and otherwise he won't say anything. If your friend is like my friend, then he'll be quiet and wait until you're ready. I don't know how close you are with your friends, but you could come out and tell them that you're not really comfortable with it yourself. I told my friend the truth, that I think I'm gay but still not 100% sure and kind of depressed about it. Just keep in mind that you don't have to say straight up "I'm gay", but instead you can be honest about all of your feelings accompanying being gay. "I'm gay but I haven't really accepted it and am struggling with it." Something like that. Friends are friends, and if they're supportive, it shouldn't matter. And you don't have to come out if you don't want too. When you're ready. Good luck and keep us updated! Welcome to EC.
Thanks for the responses and the advice. I don't think my friends are homophobic, or at least I hope they're not. I can't really tell, the one that started the conversation seems to be, he can't seem to string a sentence together without calling someone a fa**ot or calling things that he doesn't like 'gay'. But at the same time he gets along really well with some of his openly gay co-workers. The friend that I told is someone I've known since we were about 10 and I completely trust that he won't tell anybody and I explained to him that I wasn't entirely comfortable with it yet and he was completely accepting and supportive. Thankfully he wasn't really part of that conversation, he's kind of a person who never says anything bad about anyone or anything. I just feel kind of weird about it now. I thought I was close to being ready to come out and had planned to tell two or three of my closer friends within the next few weeks, but now that I've told somebody outside of my family it feels really strange. Despite the good reaction, I feel like it's almost pushed me further into the closet. I'm kind of thinking now though that maybe this feeling is normal and that it will pass, I felt really weird for a few days after telling my mother as well (A different kind of weird though, I know this probably sounds a bit crazy) Thanks again for the advice, and good luck with your friends too 'The Dude'.
Hey JPC, Just want to clarify. I don't want you to think I am calling your friends homophobes. Their conversation was homophobic however. I do think there are degrees of homophobia just as there are different degrees of racism. As gay men, many of us face our own internal battles with it so I am not advocating for you to judge them. Just understand that it comes from a place of ignorance and fear. They simply do not understand, but there is hope that they are on a path to full acceptance of people who are gay based off some of the info you gave. Just remember that vulnerability is strength. If/when you do eventually come out to them, maybe you will help them on that path. *My two cents anyway.*
Hey SimpleMan, I know you weren't implying that. The conversation was definitely very homophobic, I guess I'm just trying to figure out for myself if having these kinds of conversations or making these kinds of remarks necessarily means that a person is homophobic. Right now, that's a question I'm really having trouble answering. On paper, some of my friends do seem really homophobic/ignorant but then when I see how they interact with openly gay people that they know they seem quite accepting, it's really confusing and makes it more difficult to gauge what their reaction might be. I'm sure this applies to lot of gay people and makes the coming out process that bit more complicated.
You feeling "weird" about it isn't unusual at all, when I told my best friend I felt beyond weird, I almost felt sick. It's not a good feeling :/
I always feel weird after telling somebody, it's completely normal. Alcohol is the coming-out elixir! I use it all the time when I want to tell somebody
It definitely does feel really weird, but I'm sure it'll pass soon. And alcohol definitely makes it easier to tell people, you kind of stop thinking about and have no problem just blurting it out! But at the same time, I can't really remember exactly what I said, and I really didn't want to/plan to say anything at all so I reckon I'll be avoiding the booze for a while.
