You know since I got back from the hospital I have had some time to think and I have been thinking one of the things I am missing is true love from another man. I have gone into relationships before with 0 connection because I was lonely. What I got in return was even more loneliness I think I have struggled quite a bit over the last 10 years, but when I came back from the hospital something hit me that told me I do not need to keep looking for worries. The ones I have are enough. I did have a bit of mistep with the xanax a few weeks ago, but it was just that a mistep in truth I have spent most of my days sitting in my apartment andf going to the gym. I am just lonely, but it doesn't have to be this way. I really can't explain what happened when I got home, but for the first time I told myself I do need to keep searching for worries. I gave myself permission to be happy, have self confidence. Even my stuttering has decreased.I really do not meet many people. I hope you guys don't mind what I am reading, but its carthatic for me to write this. You know this might sound gay, but I am, but I really am longing for such a nice intimate connection with another men. It doesn't really mean sex, just touch is good. Like caressing my hair. I have been very sad that I have not been able to do that yet. I know some might not agree, because I took a punch of pills, but I really am a happy, outgoing person. I really have no stimuli. I do not go to college. Do not work. Just go to the gym and sit in my apartment. I just sit an ruminate all day. I am not surprised that my obsessions have been driving me crazy. But I am such a nice, warm, kind person. I really do not think I would have a problem finding a partner. I just got to pick a nice person and I believe there are a lot of great men out there like Justin. But I just do not leave my apartment, so I don't meet anyone. The problem I am having is I keep fighting the thought of being happy. But today I went to lunch with a friend who came into visit and we had such a great time. I just have a fun time being going out with people. I think I should do this more often The thing is I don't have a lot of people to go with, but when I have someone to go with I usually have a blast. But what always crosses my mind when I go out is the thought of "happiness" When things are going really well, I start to worry/panic. When things are not going right, as odd as it might sound I find myself happier. I need to change this. One worry that doesn't let up is that my voice does sound sterotypically gay, but when I was with my friend today it hardly bothered me. I really think its a combo of OCD and being bullied in high school, the problem is if I don't know you very well. I come across shy, when I am not. I think the combo of meeting healthy gay men and medication might do the trick. I just never leave my freakin apartment much. In truth, I need to be ordered to leave my front door. I have made some efforts to meet other people, like the bowling league. The guy who runs it was suppose to email directions, but never did. Pflagg. I only went to one meeting, but am going back and I really like the people there. I contacted front runners and the guy emailed and said they are running again. I just have to go. Any input would be great. And thanks for letting me share. I really want to thank Paul for providing an awesome support network. Louise for always being so kind. For Jim for calling to make sure I am okay. For becky for all her work for the gay community. And just anyone who has been kind along the way. It means a lot to me. Justin
I don't know your backstory, Justin, but it sounds like you've got yourself pegged fairly well. I do think human beings are social creatures, and we need some social interaction in order to remain happy. The form and amount of social interaction needed will vary by person - some folks would be happy with just a chat with a friend once every two or three days, whereas others need to be at a party every night. I might suggest something else for you, since your days seem to be fairly empty. Have you considered volunteering somewhere? I've recently resumed volunteering as a GED tutor, and I forgot how much I loved it. I found that volunteer work gives me a sense of accomplishment, and a great sense of self - I really feel like I'm DOING something. I AM making a difference. It might not be a HUGE difference, but to THIS guy I'm tutoring, I AM. I'm definitely helping him get ahead in life. GED tutoring might not be something you'd be good at, or want to do. But look around your area at various volunteer organizations. You can probably find something you'd be good at, and something you'd enjoy. And you don't have to do it that often - even an hour a week is enough to make a great difference in your life. Lex
I noticed this bit in particular: I think that is a lot of the problem. You do not interact with other people enough on a day-to-day basis, which can cause people to become more self-centred and withdrawn. Lex suggested volunteering and I agree with that. It's a great way of getting out of the apartment, meeting other people, and feeling like you are doing something worthwhile. Think about the things you are good at doing, or the things you would enjoy doing even if you don't know much about it. If you are good with your hands then maybe volunteering to help repairing donated furniture for families in need, or doing home maintenance, decorating or gardening for those who cannot do it themselves. If you don't fancy that then what about working in a charity shop? If you don't want to deal with people so much then maybe a pet rescue center would suit you better? There are plenty of options, even in smaller towns. Charities always need volunteers. My mum was rather like you after dad died. She only went out to do the shopping etc, and spent the rest of her time at home. Understandable for a while after losing dad, but it seemed to be dragging her down too much so my sister persuaded her to join up with things like the Women's Institute and took her along to some of the social functions at her church etc. She is now a member of several things and is usually out three or four days a week, sometimes at something she's a member of and sometimes seeing the friends she has made through it. It was difficult for her to get started, to make the initial contact and to go along for the first time, but it has done her a lot of good.
I agree with the suggestions about volunteering, getting out and just meeting people. My mom does exactly what you are doing. She sits at home, in her chair and does nothing. If there isn't a volunteer organization that you are interested in, then try to get involved in some sort of activity you are interested in. Libraries often have book discussion groups and activities for adults. If you are home, and like animals, think about adopting a dog. The process of walking the dog, taking it to the park, etc, gets you out to meet people. Or there are support groups, church groups, chess clubs, etc. Get involved. Your life will feel much fuller if there are reasons to care about it.
Justin, if the guy from the bowling league didn't email directions - contact him again. I'm sure it was a simple mistake. If you think you'd like to get out and bowl, then follow up. I think when we talked you were thinking about volunteering at the animal shelter again. I hope that works out for you. Working with animals is I'm sure quite rewarding. Having your own pet might be a good way to reduce stress and get you out of the house. Plus - you do meet other dog owners when you're out at the park.
Update: I couldn't agree more. I have become very selfish and withdrawn. I notice I am actually bitter. Not good, need to change this. Anyway, I have made some steps. I use to volunteer at an animal shelter, but stopped. I did it for about 2 years. I called them a few days ago and I am going back for an orientation next week. I have contacted some other sports leagues and front runners. Front runners started running again, and as soon as the weather is a little nicer. I am going to go. What is great is they meet 3 times a week. The next pflagg meeting is next week and I am going to ask for more suggestions. I also contacted another gay support group called "brothers keepers" I also saw my medical doc and he said at this point, not to rush into a job, he said keep going to gay support groups and other areas where you can meet other gay people. He really doesn't think my voice obsession has much to do with ocd, but rather not accepting my sexuality. It does feel like OCD. He was very confident that I am going to get through this, he said I am still stuck in some "growing pains" I think he is right. A few days ago I got in a terrible right with my father. He told me I could go to hell. In return I said some awful things to him I didn't mean. I think he is frustrated that I am not working, so am I, but I truly think I have to get well, before I start. He thinks I have been stuck to long, but I explained to him I have never started to except my sexuality till now. I think this is key into my wellness. Going to pflagg last month was my first step into accepting my sexuality. I even said at the pflagg meeting that I cringed when I asked the person where the gay support group meets. I have some work to do I just didn't know that accepting my sexuality was going to be this hard. I honestly thought you just go to gay clubs and everything is okay. My doc also said not to get into any relationships now. I really need to concentrate on getting better and meeting a nice group of healthy gay men. I agree. I feel almost silly writing this, but I rather be honest, because maybe I am helping someone reading this, but even though I have not been in many gay relationships, the people I have met I have been intimate with all of them. I thought this what you do. Now I know this is NOT what you do. Maybe this is normal, but I am a little of angry in general. I think some of it is validated, and other is not. I am angry at my parents, for not being supportive in my struggle with my sexuality. Angry/Frustrated that when I called the gay support group a few months ago and asked about the support group, they said what kind??they said there are different types. This time when I talked to the guy I told him how frustating this was. I just don't know why people have to be smart, and not just do there job and be helpful. And then today I was walking through the mall and feel pretty good and I saw my grandfather who is probably the most toxic(maybe trite, but the truth) human alive. He hasn't talked to me in years and I run into him every few months, he just stares at me and will not say hello. I saw him at a bookstore a few months ago I said across from and he just glared at me. I guess I could be the first person to say hello, but I have in the past and he will not speak to me. Honestly, he is just an angry man. I really don't even know what I ever did to him, but he simply dispises me.Today he just looked at me and would not say hello, so I passed him again at the mall and told him to go F himself. Truthfully, the most liberating thing I have ever done in my life. Although after I did this, and I am not kidding, he started to follow me. The thing is if I were to tell anyone what I did in person, they would be I can't believe you did this to your gnradfather. If you knew what kind of person he was, you would understand me saying this. He is not grandfatherly at all. Just a jerk! So today I was. Thanks for letting me share. Its carthatic. One thing I have notices is when you stop doing, you regress. Justin!
