Unable to accept myself

For all my life I have known that I like guys, but I have never been able to say that I am gay. I’ve only ever kissed girls, but my interests have always been with guys. I keep trying to like girls and make myself bisexual, but that never works. Sometimes I mention if I think a girl is hot to friends, which is a lie. On the odd occasion, girls approach me on nights out and I just ignore them and feel bad for it afterwards. Whenever my friends tell me a girl was interested or question me why I didn’t make a move I just say I was too drunk or too shy. Everyone sees me as a shy guy so that helps hide this big secret.

I have a feeling my parents know since my mum keeps asking if there is anything I want to tell her and once I said I wasn’t gay and she seemed happy about that. I get on with them very well with them but telling them would make everything so awkward and change things between us. I only have a small handful of friends who often use gay banter with me and each other so I don’t know how they would take it.

I have several self confidence and self esteem issues and feel my sexuality is a major part of it. I’m 22 and I know I have been putting this issue off since I was very young, so it’s never going to go away. I feel like all this lying and denial will only make me very depressed and alone forever. I don’t know what to and its driving me insane. Can anyone help me with acceptance or even coming out? I would greatly appreciate any advice.

Thanks

 

I felt the same way when I was around your age, The hiding and lying to yourself is what's damaging your self esteem/confidence. I'm not saying come out the closet today, But you cannot deny or hide whom you're attracted to, It's not fair to 'You'. You will come to terms with your sexuality in your own time and tell your parents. They usually have an idea lol! And they know us better than we know ourselves (sometimes) :icon_wink

Good luck with your journey and feel free to share anytime.

 

I know what you are going through.

Obviously the status quo is no longer acceptable to you (which is probably why you are here at EC)

Here is the first step: you need to come out to yourself. You need to be able to look in the mirror and say with your voice that you are gay.

Live with this for a while, walk in the shoes of a gay man for a few days and see how it feels...the rest will follow (come to us for the next steps).

 

I am also 22, and just recently dealing with being gay. I haven't come out to anyone because I wanted to be sure first (which I am not quite yet).
You are at a point where you are considering what you like. If your answer is guys, then you are going in the same direction I am. Would being with a guy make you happy? If so, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, this is about you.
I've almost never been as confident of myself as I am now, at a point where I am coming to terms with who I really am. Just have a discussion with yourself and see where it leads.

 

I've been in that boat too, afraid to jump out into the sea of the unknown, fearing that I would drown. I denied it for over a decade and spent all that time in a deep depression; I hated myself. You don't need to come out to anyone, my philosophy is that straight people don't go around screaming that they're straight, so why should we have to scream that we're gay? However, I have accepted it and started to love myself for who I really am. Just doing that has completely changed my life. I no longer walk around hanging my head, I walk tall and proud now. My confidence has jumped tremendously and I am much, much happier. It will take time to accept, but it is definitely worth it. We both know its something we can't change, I tried to be straight too, so why let it hold you back? You are still the same person, the only thing that will change is your feelings towards yourself. No more shame, guilt or fear. You took the first step by coming here and asking for advice, just follow your heart and set yourself free. Please, keep me updated.

 

You sound like my twin. I was a really shy person growing up and i always used this as an excuse. Not with just other people, but i would tell this to myself. It's not that i wasn't attracted to girls, it was just that i was shy and eventually i'll overcome. Well that never happened. It wasn't bc i was shy, it was bc i was gay. I also tried for so long to make myself bi-sexual. Bc at least in this case i could have a relationship with a girl and lead a normal life. That didn't happen, either.

Like someone above me mentioned, you have to admit this to yourself first. My first time admitting it was on this site just a couple of days ago, when, for the first time, i said i was gay. I said i wanted to take the coming out slowly and it will take my time to adjust to a life that i have been trying to avoid for so long.

I had a conversation with my mom a few months ago where the topic of gay people came up. She asked me if i knew i was gay would i tell her, and i said yes. She asked if i was gay(jokingly) and i said no. But i knew that there was a chance that i was gay ( i was still trying to make myself straight). I told my mom yesterday that i was gay. She couldn't be more supportive of me.

We can be our biggest enemies. We have to allow us to be us. We are not changing this.

 

Thanks everyone for reading and giving advice its all very helpful. I know many struggle with their sexuality but sometimes I feel like the only one, so its nice to know that others older and in a similar age to me have been through it and are much happier with themselves. I guess I just have to learn to accept it myself which wont be easy.

I like your philosophy Canis_Lupus -"my philosophy is that straight people don't go around screaming that they're straight, so why should we have to scream that we're gay?". This may take some pressure off me while I aim to accept who I am.

Thanks again guys

 

I'm 30 and have finally accepted - or embraced - that I'm gay. I've come out to my brothers and a few friends. It's scary. But like others have said it's also very empowering. I never realized so many of my depression, anxiety, and self-confidence issues were tied to this lie that I'd been living. I've always been so self-conscious - feeling like people were whispering behind my back, staring, etc and I'm realizing now that I was just projecting my own self-judging onto other people. Now that I'm "out" to myself I just feel free. It doesn't make every problem go away, but it does really add some color back into the world. Good luck!

 

Mightyfax, you are on track, and are now about the right age now to start your path on coming to terms to yourself.

While we see kids coming out at ages 13, 15, and 18 all over youtube. The age 22 to 26 is much more common because at that later age we can usually be living on our own.

I have stated many times that moving into our own apt. or moving to another city can be very helpful for coming out to ourselves. I remember back when I was 22. I got a job a new hotel in town. It was brand new and sort of glitzy, and it was fun because everyone was excited to be a part of it. I was a waiter in the fine dining room. There was a very high percentage of gay young men there. So I was out there from day one. I accepted it myself, and nobody questioned me about it. Yet, I was not out to family, nor many friends outside of that job.

So I think coming out is in stages, and family need not be the first ones to know. But moving to a city where there are tons of guys, or working in a place that is overflowing with them can be helpful, and can also be fun.

 

I believe that is what has made my coming out so easy; it was only two steps. First I had to accept and love myself for who I really am, and then just stop hiding it. I don't meet someone new and say "hi, my name is ___ and I'm gay." But I don't hide it anymore and IF they ask me if I'm gay, I simply say "yes I am" and move on with the conversation. It's much easier and less stressful.

 

There but for the grace of God, go I, denial caused me so much grief in life & it was not until I came out to myself on 12th February this year that I was able to say "I am Gay" & to finally Love myself for who I am, I have told some friends & like you, my Mom has asked me in the past if I am Gay & I denied it, I think she knows, but that still doesn't make it any easier telling her or any other family member, good luck with your own personal journey (*hug*)

 

Hiya Mightyfox! My situation was a lot like yours. I had a difficult time coming out. My advice is to take your time. You don't have to come out all at once. You can take time to accept yourself and love yourself. Do you have one friend that you trust and you know will love you no matter what that you can tell? Having one person will make all the difference. I was insanely suicidal and depressed and then I came out to a friend. I had already come out to two other friends and they reacted badly but she was so sweet and loving to me. Having at least one person who accepts you will make all the difference. I'd also encourage you to meet other gay people. You can go to anonymous meetings like pflag. Everyone is so loving and accepting there.
It took me a long time to meet accepting ppl but when I did it made such a difference. Good luck on your journey. Know that you are not alone.

 

Thanks for the advice guys its given me a better mindset.

Sadly I don't know anyone who I can trust that much and I don't know any gay people. Maybe I could somehow get the courage to go to a group like that. Thanks again.

 

I guess we all go through that kind of situation. I just started to accept myself as who I am recently and for me it really changes things. I was kind of a depressive person but not anymore.

Now from my personal experience, don't try to force yourself to like girls because that is impossible and it will only make you sad, and you'll be stuck in your current status. You need to accept yourself and your instincts, and once you've done it and you start to feel confortable about who you are, then it's when you should start telling some close people. In order to try to accept yourself, try to look yourself on a mirror and say out loud with your own voice that you are gay. It may be hard at first but it ends up being natural. I weren't able to say it know but you will.

About having people you can trust to tell them, you may not have anyone you can trast know, but you will, for sure. I didn't have anyone I could trust for that matter a couple of years ago but I do know, and they are being terribly helpful. Also, sometimes some people who would seem to not to be very supportive may turn out to be wonderful. And if you have friends that wouldn't be friends with you because of your sexual orientation, then from my point of view they don't deserve you as a friend.

Now cheer up and fight to open up to yourself!

 

I had a hard time early on because all of the visible out gay men were sissy-queens, "screamers" is what they were called. Even at the hotel where I first was out, those gay men were total FLAMERS. I just did not want to be that obvious, and I felt that there was more to me than projecting my sexuality quite that way.

After work, many of these guys headed to one of the other drinking spots around town. Then they would all get plastered drunk. I never went along and do not drink like that.

They were also reporting the next day of their hot gay sexual encounters. I was not into bars hookups at all either.

So I had to wait many years (and move out of state) before I could meet guys like myself who were unique in ways.

I am odd, and it is not because I am gay, I simply do not fit into the commons. So the internet has been a great thing for me, I can now see the world in the bigger picture and meet folks who share my interests.

But I refused to accept myself as a typical bar queen, or a flamer.