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Facebook: They Caught Me

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by OhBoy4991, Apr 7, 2013.

  1. OhBoy4991

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    So, here's my story. I'm 18, turning 19 next week. I am a freshman at a small college in Ohio, and i'm a gay male. Growing up, I went to a Christian school, and went to church until I turned 18. I was in the closet the entire time I went to that school. (In the school handbook, it says you can be dismissed for being a homosexual)
    There came a day when I was in college, a college which accepts homosexual lifestyles, that I decided to tell my parents my secret. They didn't exactly take it as well as I'd hoped. Long story short, they told me I needed to experiment with dating girls before I came to a conclusion, and they bought me a focus on the family book about homosexuality, written by one of those "ex-gay, gay conversion people" They haven't spoken to me about it since.
    Then there's my facebook page. I must've gotten bold one day, and I updated my "interested in" status to "men". Then they decided they wanted to talk, and they weren't happy. They said they didn't want this decision being made known to my younger siblings, and If I ever were to act on my homosexual desires, then I would need to move out of their house. I promptly went to facebook to change my "interested in" back to "blank".
    Now that I think about it, maybe changing my status on FB was a stupid idea. I love my family, but being the Christians they are, they just don't seem to understand what I go through. Being an introvert as long as I can remember, it's hard to meet new people in college. I put on a message on here before about my situation, but took it down in fear of someone finding it.
    Sorry this is so long, and thank you to all who read this far. It means a lot to me.
    I guess what i'm asking is, should I keep this "secret" of mine to myself for the rest of my life, or let it out, or even act on it, risking unknown reactions from the other members of my family?
     
  2. Wolfie Charm

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    To me it sounds like you want to be out. I don’t think you should let them decide for you. I just told someone yesterday, and it's freeing. (I’m quite happy today after telling her everything going on in my head/life.) They had a not-so-great reaction, but not everyone is that way. If you are comfortable telling someone go for it! :slight_smile: You'll find that freedom. Good luck!
     
  3. JPC

    JPC Guest

    Firstly, congratulations on coming out to your parents. Sorry they didn't take it too well (*hug*)

    It seems to me like you have 2 options:

    1. Wait until you are no longer dependent on your parents to start dating. I know that sounds terrible but I'd rather hold off on dating for a couple extra years than be forced out of my house. This way, everything is pretty much on your terms.

    2. Sit down with them and just have a straight up, honest, frank conversation with them and let them know exactly how you feel. I had a 90 minute phone call with my mother when I was coming out a few months ago and at the beginning of it she was really uncomfortable about it and tried to convince me I was "wrong". Once I explained everything to her and told her how difficult it's been for me she was like a completely different person.

    It's a tricky situation. I definitely wouldn't keep it a secret for the rest of my life, I don't even know if that would really be possible, it would be really unhealthy and could lead to all sorts of issues. You just need to figure out if you're ok with waiting a couple of years until you can fully stand on your own two feet or whether you think your parents could be more understanding if you lay bare your feelings to them.
    Either way, the closet is not a nice place to be and you'll have to come out of there eventually.

    Good luck!
     
  4. Dublin Boy

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    I totally agree with what JPC has said :icon_bigg :thumbsup: :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  5. OhBoy4991

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    Thank you so much for your advice. I don't see myself dating anyone anytime soon, as I take a considerable amount of time to "establish" myself at a new place, like school, if you know what I mean. I'm just now starting to get to know new people. I can't see myself ever with a female, so It may be a while.
     
  6. ilayis

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    What he said-congrats either way
     
  7. Chip

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    You've gotten great advice. I'll add:

    Staying closeted forever is absolutely not worth it, because there's a ton of shame and with that, an inability to love yourself or deeply love others associated with staying closeted.

    But... it sounds like your parents are not exactly enlightened on this issue and probably wouldn't "get it" no matter how much you talk to them. So you need to be self-supportive at the point you bring it up to them again, lest they stop paying for school or otherwise make your life hell.

    Once you are out of college and have a job, I would tell them. I would do so lovingly, and encourage them to listen to Matthew Vines amazing video on Youtube (he has singlehandedly changed a lot of minds of pastors and other dyed-in-the-wool conservative Christians on this topic.) And I'd basically say that you're going to live your life as you are, be open about who you are, and that they need to get to a place where they can accept and love you. It will probably take them some time, because they will have to reconcile their bigoted beliefs with a son they love, but they will eventually come around, almost certainly.
     
  8. cityofangels

    cityofangels Guest

    Exactly what JPC said. You should definitely be honest and tell them, but wait until your independent (have a job, not living with parents) before you say anything. So that way in case they don't take it well, you won't be kicked out of the house or something.
     
  9. OhBoy4991

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    Thanks again, everyone. I know I can count on you guys for good advice on this subject, even though I don't know any of you personally! I agree with you on not bringing it up until i'm more independent, unless they bring it up first. Maybe they'll figure it out some day by the fact that I've never shown interest in looking at or being with girls. I can only hope one day that Christians like them will be accepting of people like me, for who I am. Because, you know, I can't change it.