Hey everyone. So I had came here a while ago looking for advice and support, and you were all truly amazing and helpful. I had been trying to come out and I did to a few people, one of which being my mom (most scary). She had told me that according to actual facts, people don't really "know" if they are LGBT until about 21. She said that it's normal to feel like this and I should just ignore it all for a while. So I did, months and months went by with me ignoring the subject hoping eventually she would be right and I'm not actually gay, but it hasn't worked. I feel exactly the same as I did then :/. I don't want to tell her that though because I feel she'll tell me the same thing. I'm just stuck. Any advice would be very appreciated. (PS, I trust he advice completely and believe everything she says because she is a social worker that was trained to read and help children/young adults)
If she is claiming to have access to 'facts' on this, then she should be able to produce the peer reviewed journals containing those facts. Something produced by the American Psychological Association, the American Medical Association, the New England Journal of Medicine, or some other equivalent publication might be acceptable. If she can't actually produce any sort of generally accepted scientific source material for her 'facts' then they aren't facts. Or are at least rather suspect facts. Being trained in an area does not guarantee a lack of bias about something, especially when it comes to the areas of family or deeply held beliefs. Furthermore, as a trained professional, her response of 'just don't think or talk about it' seems suspect to me and less than purely objective. My 2c worth, Todd
You are still young man, I wouldn't worry about it right now. No I'm not saying to completely ignore your feelings, but take it from me; focus on school right now and setting yourself up for a good career. And if push comes to shove why should you have to tell people? Straight people don't go around saying "hi, my name is __ and I'm straight", so why should we have to tell people we're gay? Now, of course, what works for me may not work for you, but all I did was stop hiding it and if people ask me if I'm gay, I simply say yes and move on like its no big deal, because it really isn't. I tried doing that too, ignoring my thoughts and feelings towards men, for over a decade I tried and hated who I was, causing severe depression and anger. Now that I look back, it seems as if almost half of my life is gone because I didn't live it as myself, I lived an elaborate lie. All I can say is be true to yourself and who gives a crap about what other people think?
I've been googling for any hint of a study that supports your mom's claims since you posted this half an hour ago. I can't find one. I found studies that suggested sexual orientation became evident at ages ranging from 3(?!) to 13. The closest thing I could find was 21 being the average age people are coming out, but that'a completely different from knowing.
Thank you all so much for your replies, it really does mean a lot. But at this point I'm kind of stuck on what I should do, action-wise.
That's what my mother told me when I was your age. She didn't mean to confuse me or anything because I asked her in relation to someone else and she really has no clue about LBGT even now. Maybe your mom needs time to come to terms with it. If you've already accepted yourself for who you are, that's great! Please don't feel bad about it.
She's probably just trying to protect you from the social hardships that will come with being gay or bisexual at your age. A lot of people come out when they're in college, or around that 21 age. My advice is do what feel's right, but thoroughly think though the consequence of every action. For every action, there's a reaction.
This depends, no-one knows your mother and your situation like you so think things through before your do/say anything. With someone who loves you honesty is always a good idea. Perhaps you could have a calm conversation with your mother about it. Explain to her what you feel and that suppressing it will not make it go away. Perhaps print out some PFLAG resources for her to read? Also you should think about if you want to live out during your school years. Perhaps your mother is afraid of reactions in school and bullying and wants to protect you? If there isn't someone special in your life at the moment you could just wait it out? It's not as if you didn't try to tell her. Also time is a wonderful thing to give perspective, so give her some time without letting her believe that you feel any different about the subject. Just be true to yourself, if she mentions it, be honest with her Good luck!
Jake, your Mom may be thinking of old studies of some kind that she might have read in graduate school. I can tell you, that a person doesn't know their sexuality until they are 21 flies in the face of all current thinking and common sense! Here on EC -- there have been countless stories of teens, even pre-teens, who know they are gay. You at 14 -- you're almost an old man! :icon_bigg And read through the coming out stories of guys like me, a lot of us Dads. We may not have come out until pretty recently, but looking back most of us, and me for sure, knew when was probably 10 or 11 that I had an interest in guys. If there had been any real positive gay role models, many of us would have "known" by the time we were 13 or 14 what those feelings were. I may not have come out as gay until I was a Dad -- but I sure was a gay boy even back then. And then there is you. You know who you are. You know what you're feeling, thinking, and what interests you, excites you, revs you up. Hold onto that -- that's who you are, no doubt about it. There are lots of articles on the web about middle school kids coming out -- on Salon, by Dan Savage, others. What might be most powerful is giving your Mom the link to this article, in the Journal of Pediatrics The Social Environment and Suicide Attempts in Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual Youth "Parents who reject their lesbian, gay or bisexual (LGB) teens may increase the odds that their offspring will experience depression, engage in risky sexual practices and even attempt suicide according to a study published in the January issue of the journal Pediatrics.... Those who reported that they'd experienced high levels of family rejection as adolescents were 8.4 times more likely to say they'd attempted suicide, 5.9 times more likely to say they'd suffered depression, 3.4 times more likely to say they'd used illegal drugs and 3.4 times more likely to say they'd engaged in unprotected sex." Jake -- your Mom may need to process. I also think the first brochure on this page is a winner for you to give to her (print it out, and also print out the page of meetings local to you) PFLAG: Parents, Families, & Friends of Lesbians and Gays Last thing -- please please please -- don't be a statistic - don't be that gay teen who gets depressed, suicidal. All of on EC are here for you. There are also IRL resources that you can turn to. I'm proud of you, we're proud of you for having the courage to accept who you are and to be open about it. It's all good.... and it gets better.(&&&)
