I'm... I'm not really sure what I am. And I'd like some advice to try and give me some clarity. I have, for the past year or so, identified as a bisexual guy, leaning towards straight. Bi because although I have only gone out with girls and am more attracted to girls, certain guys and certain looks on guys I am attracted to. But this is where we hit our first problem. The guys I am attracted to are usually baby-faced, hairless, etc etc; not typical masculine things. I worry that I am actually just being attracted to the feminine aspects of them, and would shy away in real life. However on the other hand, a guy like that who has a bit of muscle is very attractive, and that isn't a female trait. Further my attraction to guys seems to wax and wane, making it harder to come up with a definitive label. Then things get even more complicated. When I first heard about the TG community, I was to be perfectly honest, pretty dismissive. I still thought it was none of my business what they got up to, as is is my philosophy, however I disagreed with some of the core tenants of that community; centering around the concept that there is a difference between men and women mentally, and that your physical body has a connection to that. I always felt that sure they could act however they wanted, but they didn't have to change their appearance to get that right, and hence it felt a little like someone getting cosmetic surgery, to look more like how they wanted to look (I mean no offense, I'm trying to be honest here about my reaction). However as I looked into the thoughts behind it, I began to see something that I identified with. I really, really hate it when people treat me differently because I'm a guy. I don't like the feeling I'm being pigeon-holed because of it. And, if I am totally honest with myself, if I had a choice I wouldn't be male. I don't like the societal assumptions about being male. However, I don't like them about being female either, and perhaps I just react to the male ones because they are closer to home, as it were. 'The grass is greener' sort of thing. However, I do like the idea of being pretty. It's quite a misogynous thing really, but I do like that idea. And although I can be attractive as a guy, and I love the feeling that I am, fundamentally it is something I identify with being female, I like the idea of looking good. However, isn't that just MY prejudice? That's what I worry, that all of this is just my prejudices coming to light. I do prefer to be around girls, something about them means that I tend to give them extra points merely for being female. With that sexist attitude in mind, isn't it no wonder that I want to be in a group I have mentally classed higher? I react very strongly when someone else things of girls as better than boys, but I think I have that prejudice myself. And this confuses my bisexuality as well. Am I only liking guys to follow the stereotype of something I want to be? It is further confused because I find the idea of a guy trying to be a girl slightly pathetic. Again, this is not meant to be an insult, I don't act that way because that is not how I think, but for some reason it is a gut prejudice I have. Although with the above in mind, it may just be jealousy, because I am too scared to do the same? I don't know. So yeah, I have no idea. Any advice from someone who could understand my rhetoric would be appreciated, because I have been scratching my head over this for far too long. Dizzy
Thanks for confusing me. I too am attracted to younger looking, hairless males. Good luck with that..
OK so these are the main points I have figured out from the long ramble: ~Male, bisexual - leaning towards women ~Would choose female gender over male, in the event of a choice ~Concerned about prejudice of only liking men as a result of stereotyping ~Concerned that a guy trying to be a girl is pathetic - gut prejudice, maybe jealousy First off, don't force anything. If you're so worried that you're stereotyping rather than feeling real feelings, I'd say the easiest thing is to let it go for a bit. Don't think about which gender you do or do not like; just take everything as it comes, and eventually time will give you a more solid answer. Also, don't forget: sexuality is fluid. You don't have to identify with a label. Another thing: I'm not sure if this is true for you, but could it be that you're concerned that, if you did decide to change your gender, and are predominantly attracted to women, it could be a fear of identifying as a lesbian? Perhaps part of the confusion is that you were comfortable thinking you were more straight than bisexual, but in the event of a change, you would have to identify as gay, and thus you'd have to go through an entire coming out process? As for the 'girls are better than boys' thing, well you're obviously not *trying* to be sexist, and you have acknowledge this. It's probably that since females are the gender you strive to be, and are also the gender you are predominantly attracted to, that you think of them as higher beings as males because you don't really identify with males in that way. I can relate to that because as a lesbian, I've always thought of women as the gender I can relate to better. I don't really have guy friends and have certainly never been attracted to one. So I wouldn't say it's sexist; just the gender you strive for. I hope things work out for you. (*hug*) I'm sure you'll find your answer. I hope you found this advice helpful.
Dizzy I feel as though I truley found someone who deals with some of the same racing thoughts that i encounter myself. One inparticular, the thought of liking feminine men, and wandering if it was only those qualities I was specifically attracted to. I am not, absolutely am not, attracted to anything or anyone that resembles maculinity.Point blank. Its not denial, its personal preference. I love women, and am lustfully attracted to feminine men.(extremely feminine, and transgender men) My point being that I have questioned my orientation for a very long time, and whether or not I am actually gay, or "bi" for that matter, or just lustfully perverted.lol.
Hey Dizzy. I'm now dizzy myself... Thanks! I would simply say that you should ALLOW yourself more time to work through all this. There's no hurry. Life isn't a race. And nobody is forcing you to slot yourself into a particular hole right now. Without getting into your head, I don't know what the answer is for you. However, I think you're dealing with much of the same emotions and conflicts that a lot of people here have gone through. So give it time. And make yourself at home here. Because sometimes things seem odd just because they are unfamiliar. Remember also that it's likely as tough for you to understand what it's like to be transgendered as it is for a straight person to understand what it's like to be bi or gay... Not sure that will have helped... But what do you want for nothing? :icon_wink
If I may give the answer in the least amount of words and to not waste any of your time. You're attracted to guys. You're gay.
I beeeeeeeeg to differ. The worse thing that you can do right now is to put yourself in a basket and to standarize your sexuality. Be who you are. No need of "Gay", "Bi", "Straight", w/e. I am Gay with some bi phases, therefore I can say I'm bi, but I'm not *really* that Bi, but gay, even thouhg I have some hetero fantasies. See? Names are bad. :/
Hey, Dizzy. When I read your post I was fascinated because lots of the things you said seem very interesting and sensible, and I somehow felt that you and I are the same kind of person. So I'm gonna try and give you some general thoughts that I had while reading your post, and I hope some of them may help you 1. When you said that you were confused because you generally like "feminine" men, I have the same situation, kinda. When I do like men, it tends to be more girly ones. But I don't think this needs to necessarily be a problem. Feminine men are still men right? So that still makes you bi. If you're happy with that label, only liking femmy men is not an obstacle. So although it may seem like a cheat to only like that kind of guy, it doesn't really matter. If you only liked girls, you'd only like girls, and you wouldn't like any men. Sometimes you can over-analyse things, so try not to worry about it. 2. All your ideas about gender identity and the freedom to be who you like are the same as mine! *high five* And, lots of the insecurities about how it relates to one's body and whether I have residual prejudices are the same as mine too. 3. About equating pretty with women: It's true that this is society's prejudice, and it's hard to escape. Society doesn't value "prettiness" in men all that much. And these prejudices can be very hard to overcome, however much you logically disagree with them. Try to feel more at home with yourself as pretty and as male. And even if you feel that that is a female quality, rejoice in that. I would call myself brave, which is a "male" quality, but I still feel happy being a female. You can mix and match your masculine and feminine qualities, it's fun It doesn't mean that you have to call yourself female just because you have feminine qualities. 4. I think that, having recgonised you give women extra points, you probably have a lid on it. Having recognised the gut prejudices inside ourselves is a large barrier to actually letting them see the light. But it's true that this could be influencing your desire to be female. Try to remind yourself of all the great men there are, including yourself. Remember that, although women may struggle more against sexism, men have to struggle against being pricks, which is harder if you're the favoured group. Does that make sense? So all the men like you who have turned out feminist-y and gender-liberal have had to struggle against the easy superiority which is offered them at birth and is a very deceptive enemy. They've done a great job. 5. Try not to worry too much about why you like guys. It's very hard to tell exactly why we are attracted to anyone. If you find that your attraction to men waxes or wanes, that doesn't matter. Bisexuality is delightfully flexible. The fact is that being bisexual is not wrong, it does not harm society, and therefore you don't need to feel guilty about being bi for any reason. Whatever is causing your attraction to guys, it exists, and that's fine. Most people are straight, but those of us who may not be don't have anything to apologise for, whatever is causing it. 6. About finding men trying to be women pathetic: it's the overwhelming power of society again I am exactly the same. Despite having a respect for feminine men because of their bravery and lots of things, I still sometimes have a gut reaction that they look stupid. I feel very hypocritical when I think this. But it's so hard not to when that's the message society sends you. And it could be related to jealousy for you. That feeling is just something we have to struggle against and maybe one day we'll get rid of it, along with stage fright, headaches, and depression I hope that some of that has helped you gain insight into your dizzy head Sorry if it's presumptuous of me to say I feel an affinity for you, but I just feel like we share some views. I hope I helped. (*hug*)
