I posted my coming out story to my parents a while ago and its here if anyones interested. Their initial reaction was great and everything went well for about a week, when my parents asked me to have a talk about the whole thing which is understandable. So they start asking the standard questions, how long have you known? etc. They keep asking questions for about 5 minutes and now im going to slip into dialogue cause its easier. Mom: Does anyone else know? Me: Yeah, I've told all my closest friends (about 5 people) Mom:.......Why would you tell your friends this?!?! Me: Cause they're my friends and deserve to know.... Mom: Why would you tell people when you can't eve be sure about it!?!? At this point I realized that the conversation was starting to go downhill. To shorten the whole thing my parents basically told me they don't believe that I can be 100% sure because I've had no experience with relationships and for an hour I had to defend and argue my sexuality with them. It was not fun. A week later I left for a 10 day school trip to Egypt (which was amazing btw!). My coming out was just over a month ago and its been 2 weeks since i got back from the trip. Since then I've had multiple, hour long arguments with my parents, all the time trying to convince them that yes I can be sure about my sexuality at only 17 and that when i get to university, things will change as i meet new people but they refuse to believe me. I know they're still in denial but its gotten to the point where all their questioning is making me start to question sexuality YET AGAIN. I've started asking myself "Am i really gay?", "Can i really be 100% sure that I am?". I was 110% sure before i came out to everyone and it took me six years to figure it out, now because of my parents its starting to happen all over again and its the worst feeling ever, its like all those years of confusion and frustration mean absolutely nothing and now its being repeated. But wait! It gets oh so much more fun! The number of times my mom has spoken to me (excluding fights, cause that doesn't count as talking) since i got back from my trip, i could count on my two hands. Conversation with my dad is forced and awkward at best, my parents have told me not to tell my aunt (who i would normally go and talk to if i couldn't talk to my parents), i can't talk to my 12 year old sister cause shes immature about this stuff and treats me like a piece of garbage on a good day, my mom has got it into her head that i have AIDS (quick story: i had a bleeding nose, some blood dripped on floor, mom appears with washcloth in her hand and tells me to clean it, refusing to do so herself. shes cleaned my blood no problem multiple times before i told her i was gay), she has it in her head that we are still in the sixties and if i come out to more people, some one WILL try to kill or hurt me (I know its still possible, and that shes being a protective mother, but shes making it sound like an inevitability) and heres the best part: my dad comes to me the other day telling me that my moms reacting this way because "Shes holding on to the hope that I'm straight but confused". Isn't life grand? I'm desperate and completely out of ideas. I've tried multiple times to talk to my parents and tell them that "Look, all your questioning is just screwing with my head and I don't need that right now" but its clearly not worked. The most of a response that I've gotten from my parents and them telling me that "Now isn't the time for this" and whenever the time is "right" all it is, is me being asked "are you sure?", "but how can you be sure?" for up to 2 hours at a time. I really need some help guys.
The next time they bring it up, I'd tell them that if they really loved you, they shouldn't keep trying to question/change you. You're still the same person that you were before you came out to them.
I think you all need to take a break from the discussion. Because there's more to life than understanding what your orientation really is... But they are obviously preoccupied with the topic. Have you directed them to any other literature? There are links here to PFLAG stuff that would probably be helpful. I really can't believe your mother (in this day and age in Toronto) would think you have AIDS just becuase you've said you're gay. I really hope you're read more into that situation than was really there. Otherwise - you've got your work cut out for yourself in educating her! Not sure what else to suggest, other than to keep being the great kid that you've always been and make sure you're talking with them about other things. Again - there is and there always will be more to life than whether you're gay or not. At the same time though - you said yourself that you've taken 6 years to come to terms with this. They will need more than 1 month. Good luck. And you can PM me if you want to chat further.
Definitely download the PFLAG materials for them! Also, the next time they tell you how you couldn't possibly know you were gay because you haven't had experiences with a woman, ask them if they knew who they were attracted to before they had sex? It might make things just a little clearer. If your mom can use the computer, I would be happy to talk with her.
Thanks for the tip but I've already done both. They had no answer when i asked them how they knew who they were attracted to before they had sex, and I don't think they took the PFLAG stuff very seriously either.
Read the sticky post about family grieving, I think your parents are firmly stuck in DENIAL, the land so many parents chose to stay in because it is comfortable and they don't have to confront a scary reality that they know nothing about. That your parents talk to you is a positive point, even if it is forced or stilted, the lines of communication are still open. Wether your parents like it or not they are going to have to come to terms with this. All you can do is try to be patient, understand where this is coming from. IT IS NOT A QUESTION OF LOVE!!! Of course your parents love you and I would strongly advise you not to play with silly ultimatums. Your parents want what is best for you, for them, for the family. The only problem with that is that they no longer know what is best, the lines have been moved, the rules have changed and they are at a loss to know what to do... Denial is oh so comfortable! I, like Becky, will be more than happy to talk with your mum if she is open to the suggestion. It sounds like your mum needs a friend, someone who has already been there and come through it. There might be family support groups for homosexuals in your area, maybe you could look into this and talk to your mum about it. It may well be that she feels completely out of her depth and talking to someone may be just what she need to open the door... even a little tiny bit, to the reality that is in front of her. There is more to you than your sexuality, it is a major part of your life but it is not ALL. Let your mum see that you are still her little boy, the person inside you has not changed, you still have your character traits, your good points, you bad habits, your principles and moral standard that you had before. Try to act as natrually as before, have conversations which are not centered round your sexuality, let the upset die down a bit and every ones nerves settle down. Nothing can be gained by constant confrontation, neither on their side or yours. Good luck
Dearest Unseen Tenacity, I have the same problem too as yours, but not much arguments. Since I'm bisexual, they could see my "straight" points in me too. My father finally accepted it, but not my mother. Initially, my pa kept on thinking that it is a "disorder" and he kept on equating my "homosexuality" side as a handicapped problem, and he said if I didn't work to "change" it, all shit broke loose. But I have explained to him that it isn't a disorder or anything, and many of my feelings are there already. I told him, it's better if I know myself, and not to force myself. For my OWN good and THEIR good as well, I will go with the flow. Meanwhile, my ma is still in the denial. Everytime when I bring the topic up, she will feel very demoralized. She insisted that she will get a girl for me. It'll take time for her to fully understand my sexuality. And also, arguing to them isn't going to help - give them support instead. If they insist to have a girl for you, just ignore them. Be yourself.
