Hello everyone. This has really been bugging me for ages. I am happy with every single part of my life except my love life, or rather the lack of it. There must have been so many times where I've just found myself daydreaming of getting a girlfriend. I think of all these people in relationships and get really jealous because they have what I want. Whenever I'm sad or upset, I find myself wishing there was someone there to hug me and make me feel better; someone who I can open up to completely; someone who can understand me so well that I don't need to hide anything. You're probably going to say, 'Heatqueen, you are only fifteen and have your whole life ahead of you'. But there isn't a single day where I find myself thinking at least once that I would be so much happier if I had a girlfriend. I hate it that Dubai's homophobic. I feel so restricted because of it; like I have to hide myself more. I feel that it's slowed down the coming out process massively. These days I can't seem to come out to even the people I know will be okay with it. It's as if the process has temporarily frozen or something. I hate being in the closet, and yet at the same time I express no desire to leave it. I hate not being able to be myself. Like, when I'm at school for example. There is absolutely no way I'm coming out (at least at my current school), so I have to act that I'm not gay, but unfortunately for me, I'm not a natural liar/actor. I hate having to do it. When people ask me who I think is hot, all I want to say is 'Celine Dion' but yet I find the name 'MIKA' coming out of my mouth (and I don't find him hot, he's just a good singer...it's the closest I can get to some form of honesty). And I hate having to pretend that I'm not interested in any kind of love life, and that I want to wait for a relationship, because these days I just can't wait at all. It's so beyond my reach and yet I want it so badly... The fact is, I AM interested in a love life, so much that it's consuming me, but it's not like I can tell that to my school...they'd never understand. Seriously...in my mock exams, whenever I had time at the end, I'd end up fantasizing about being with a girl and kissing her, and loving her, and all that. I just wish I could find that person because it would make life so much better somehow. Sorry for the long rant. Romance sucks.
aw (*hug*) just try concentrating hard on your exams; and remember, there's someone out there for everyone right? :icon_bigg
Oh boy, you sound exactly like me ^^;. I have those exact same daydreams and wishes. My only advice would to just try to occupy yourself as much as you can, don't over schedule, but make sure you have things you need and want to to.
I shouldn't say anything, but the voice inside my head is screaming: Western media today suggests that everyone has a boyfriend / girlfriend. Everyone has a 'love life'. Everyone is involved in some kind of romance. So it's tough to tell yourself that NOT EVERYONE has those things. And I'd say that MOST people when they are 15 years old don't (but I'm not 15 right now - so perhaps I'm wrong). But I'd say that everything happens for a reason, and you'll meet that special someone one day - and it will have been completely worth the wait. In the mean time, focus on school, and ensure you maximize your options - which likely will include leaving Dubai for a more 'gay friendly' society somewhere else. Good luck!
Heatqueen, you are most definately not alone in that. I'm fortunate enough not to ever be asked who I think is hot(I think my friends know, so they avoid putting me in an uncomfortable situation. If that is true, they have no idea how much I love them for it). I try not to let my lack of a boyfriend get to me too much....I just keep telling myself "wait until college", but sometimes it seems so far away.... And I hate pretending I don't care about being in a relationship right now too. With Prom coming up, everybody is pairing off and getting dates and people ask if I'm going or who I'm going with and I just say "I don't know.", "I'm probably not even going.", or "I'm really not interested in going.", when the truth is I REALLY want to go. I agree, romance sucks. ....at least it does right now....
For college you can come to the USA and go to some posh gay-friendly school but for now, like every other closeted teenager on the planet you must wait... even though it's hard... we've all got to get through it. It's hard to ignore the cute/hot people around us, so just make the best of your current situation. Throw yourself into your interests with all the passion you can, and you'll get by.
Not to take the thread off topic but.... She should! I'm considering Grinnel. My lit teacher said that they have the highest percentage of gay students in the entire country, and its only a couple hours away from home! But, they don't offer my major....so that could be a problem.
U of M is like UBER ULTRA MEGA gay friendly, and they're also ivy league and it's a few hours away from my house, so it might be cool there Plus I know the dean of music there so I basically can get a free ride anyway [/off topic] But anyway.
you might have heard this alots but i have to say it whenthe time is right you will come across the perfect person. the one who will love you and care for you until your parting days. being in a relationship can be just as hard as being single. i'm dating this guy who i love and i know he loves me but we fight over my past so much. after two months he had a go at me for not telling him stuff about me so i tell him and every and then he brings them up cause he don't like them. make sure the person is out and don't let them push you around or let them make you feel guilty.
hey.. i can relate totally to that... its no fun having to hide who you are but in the end there is no point worrying about it either! i no its hard - i always end up feeling lonely when im feeling in a down mood - but in my experience it really doesnt help. the right person will come eventually.. probably when your not looking for it! just try to concentrate on all the qood aspects of your life... oh and dont get me started on having to pretend to like guys that your obviuosly not interested in... it drives me nuts.. my trick is to just joke in my head.. hmm.. i wonder what would happen if they new who i was thinking was attractive right now.. it lightens things up and always makes me giggle anyway! if you ever want to talk just PM me feel free.. not sure how much use ill be but i find its always nice to have someone to winge to hope u find some of this helpful
Helloooo Thanks for the advice everyone. It's so annoying just knowing I have to wait for like, years. It's making me do really stupid things. Like, the whole Regina thing. That was one of them. *sigh* Again, I say: Romance sucks.
I can't do much for you or say anything that hasn't already been said but here this is for you(*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) even if you have stolen the Celine Dion N°1 fan title! I know waiting is hard and we all need to be loved and cherished, especially in the difficult teenage years when our parents seem SOoooo of the mark that it is not even worth thinking about. The only thing to do is to throw yourself into your school work or after school activity if you have one. This will help the time to pass more quickly and and get your mind of your loneliness. Getting an after school job/hobby can also get you out there meeting new people. As for the Regina thing... let it go, we all make mistakes, stop beating yourself up over it. No maybe it wasn't very nice the way you treated her but I don't believe for one instant that there was any malice on your part or desire to hurt her, you made a bad call, you were confused... we have all been there :icon_redf Try to learn by this mistake but remember you are human, you have feelings (often confused and conflicting) and that in your life you will make many bad calls but even more good calls, that is just the way it is... That's life. So I'll finish this lecture with a great big (*hug*) and hope it cheers you up a bit.
I know this isn't what you want to hear and it's easier said than done, but if you really think about it I think you'll find it helps: The person you're looking for, a beautiful girl that loves you and completely understands you, can make you feel better and doesn't have any secrets with you is already there. Take a look in the mirror. Love yourself. If you love yourself completely, you won't need a girlfriend, because you'll have yourself for that. Don't use a girlfriend as an excuse to fill a void, because I think you'll find that once that void is filled by yourself, once you love yourself, when you do find a girlfriend it will work much better because you won't NEED her, she will be there as someone special to make your day brighter, but not someone that you need to get by. Seriously, think about it. Everything you want is already in front of you, stop waiting for it, and start loving yourself. I know it's easier said then done, but if you really try I promise it works. I won't be a hippocrite, I myself dream about a future b/f, but be careful not to think of that person as your saviour and solver of all problems. Think of it as "That would be nice, wouldn't it, but it's not absolutely necessary, I can still be happy without it". She will come one day when you least expect it, i promise, but don't stay up waiting for her, you have to be patient. I'm sorry to hear about Dubai being homophobic, have you thought about going to Uni in a country that's less homophobic? Again, I know my advice may not be what you want to hear but think about it. (*hug*) (*hug*) Hang in there, keep being a trooper (*hug*) (*hug*)
^That really struck a chord. I had to stop and think a bit before replying. In general, I am a very independent person because this is what I've had to live with for a relatively large part of my life. Let us go back in time to around when I was eight years old or so... I used to go to a school in Dubai but absolutely hated it. I was the different one; the weird one. People used me as an excuse to create gossip and rumours. I wasn't abused physically but I was excluded from pretty much everything. I was the one no one wanted to be friends with. For the 2 years I was there, there was only one person I could call a true friend. She's one of my closest friends today, eight years later. Once I left that school, having decided that I couldn't bear to stay and needed to move on to better things, I started going to boarding school in England. I was much happier there, as I actually had friends. However, most of these friends were in the year below. There's only one girl in my year who I'm still in contact with since having left that school. So, I had friends but was still relatively independent. After that school, three years later, I moved to my current school. Let's just say I'm not exactly the most popular person. I'm not bullied, but I don't really have anyone I can call a close friend. The friends I had at my old school all go to different schools. So here I have to further survive on my independence, something I seem to have grown very familiar with as the years have gone by. I am introverted by nature. It might not seem so online, but then again, online's different. For me, making new friends isn't a regular thing and I greatly treasure the ones I've got. However, I can't be with them all the time, particularly when I'm at school. I think that, eight years on since moving to Dubai, I have grown so fed up of independence. For once in my life I want to be the one that's taken care of. I hate being an older sister, and I hate this feeling of loneliness I get so often when I'm at school, or even alone in my bedroom. While I'm shut away on my laptop, typing these messages to online friends, all the people around me are having actual social lives. They think I'm the one who never talks to anyone. For once, I want to be the younger sister; I want someone to look up to. Therefore I generally go for older girls. The thing is, I do talk to people, and I would, but with certain issues, there are very few people that I trust enough to be able to tell. There are things I struggle to tell even the very few close friends I have. It was so, so difficult coming out to those friends and one of them still doesn't know, and I fear her reaction if I come out to her. I hate closet doors, but I can't stand the thought of coming out either. Fiorino, that thing you said about self-love, well I generally try to like myself. I'm not worried about things like my appearance at least. But (Yes there always seems to be a but doesn't there): I find a lot of the time that I'm trying to see myself from another person's perspective. Like if I have a conversation with someone at school, I'll be thinking 'What does this person think of me? Did they like what they heard? Do they think I'm weird?' It's not so much that I think I'm weird, but I worry that other people do for some reason. I try to be myself but it's so hard sometimes... Ok I've been rambling waaaaay too long now. I'm gonna shut up and speculate whether anyone actually bothered to read all of that.
You sound to me (and I'm sorry if I have this wrong!) that whilst you are generally happy to be yourself, and independent, and can be confident, what you want is someone, for once, to offer you a bit of tlc. I feel a lot like this at the moment: yes, I can handle being on my own, and it's fine, I can do it, but I don't *want* it. As someone who never dated until they were 18, then found themselves in a (heterosexual) relationship they'd rather forget, and who is now alone, I can't actually tell you how to go about getting a girlfriend (hey, then I wouldn't be single!), but what I can say is that you have to stop seeing having a girlfriend as an essential part of your life, a thing that will help make you happy. Bascially - what others have been saying too! The only truthful advice I can offer is that you should try not to think about it, and to try and get frustrated about something else. I know people have said this, and it sounds stupid, and silly, and not like advice at all, but what I would also say, in warning, from my experience, is that a relationship entered *from a need for a relationship* will turn out to be a very bad one indeed. Trust me, you are closer to getting a girlfriend than many people. First of all, you've figured out that you like girls (kudos to you). Secondly, you've figured out how to be on your own and happy with it. I had figured out neither of these things when I had my first relationship, even though I had that when I was several years older than you are now. Therefore, what I am trying to say is, think on the positive: see what you have been doing recently, and are doing now, as preparing youself for a *good* relationship, not *any* relationship. The figuring out your sexuality, and how to be yourself and independent, both add up to a good relationship when you do eventually find a girlfriend, which I hope you do. Think on this, that you have made several important steps already!! [this post is long and rambly - sorry that it has no point, but I hope you realise what I'm trying to say ]
