1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Coming Out Letter to Ex Girlfriend

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by justinf, Apr 12, 2013.

  1. justinf

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2012
    Messages:
    1,212
    Likes Received:
    42
    Location:
    Amsterdam
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Right, so after long deliberation I decided to come out to my ex girlfriend. We broke up over a year ago, which had everything to do with my sudden attraction to a guy. I didn't tell her about that, though. We'd been together for over year.

    We've been through some tough times together -- some problems in her family, some problems in my family --, and I really feel like we had a special connection. It's really important to me that I do this the right way. I still care about her a lot.

    As I'm too big of a chicken to tell her to her face, I've written a small letter I wanna email to her. Or maybe print out and put in her mail box. I don't know. Regardless, I thought I'd share, because I want to get some input.

    Okay, here it goes:

    ---

    Dear [name ex girlfriend],

    I know we haven’t talked properly since forever, and mostly that was my fault. I’ve been distant and at times a complete jerk. You don’t deserve that, and I wanna come clean about why I acted the way I did.

    When we broke up, it was because you knew something was going on, something that I didn’t wanna share. I told you you were wrong, but as you probably already know you were right. I didn’t wanna admit it, because I was afraid of losing you. And even after I’d already lost you I still couldn’t tell you. But you deserve to know the truth. You’ve always been honest with me about everything, and I have to do the same.

    Before I tell you, I want you to know that I have always loved you, and still do. You’re everything a guy could ever hope for in a girl.

    This is very difficult for me to say, and I can only hope you won’t be mad at me. The truth is, when we were together, something happened between [name boyfriend] and me. He kissed me. It was an experience that was the beginning of a lot of confusion and doubt for me. I started developing feelings I never in a million years thought I’d ever feel. I started liking him, a lot, and I didn’t know what to do with those feelings, or what to say to you. That’s the reason I started acting so differently with you; because I was struggling with this. And after we broke up it only got worse.

    What I really wanted to tell you, though, is that me and [name boyfriend] are now together.
    I don’t know if I’m bi, or gay, or anything in between, but at least I guess this means I’m not straight.

    I just want you to know this in no way had anything to do with you personally. Like I said, you’re everything I would’ve ever wanted in a girl. There’s absolutely nothing I’d change about you, or about the time we were together.
    Also, you were not just some girl I led on; I genuinely loved you and was happy with you. I didn’t expect to get these feelings.

    I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you any sooner. I’m not sure why I didn’t, I guess I was afraid of what you might think about me.

    I understand if you don’t wanna talk to me right now. I also understand if you do wanna talk to me or have some questions. Obviously I would be more than happy to talk to you about anything in that case. You can always call me or stop by whenever you want.

    I’m sorry.

    Love,

    Justin

    ---

    So, what do you think? I know it needs some small editing to make it a better read (it's also translated, making it even worse), but other than that? Is it too much about *me*? Am I beating around the bush too much? I just want it to be perfect. If you got this letter, would you be mad? Hurt?

    Well, any advice would be appreciated.
     
  2. Yui

    Yui
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2013
    Messages:
    120
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ca./US
    I like your letter a lot :slight_smile:

    You're explaining everything in a caring and honest way and you address some of the things I'd wonder about if I was her (was the relationship fake, did you really love her, is there anything wrong with her/is it her fault, etc.). Sounds like the letter she deserves :slight_smile: And I really like how you reassure her that there's nothing wrong with her - really sweet :slight_smile:

    If I were her I probably wouldn't be mad at you, since you broke up over a year ago she has probably moved on. Maybe a teeny tiny bit hurt, but that comes with the territory of failed relationships - there's nothing you can really do about it and I think you explained everything in the nicest way possible.

    Another thing - since the letter isn't that long, maybe you could put a handwritten version in her mail box, instead of a printed one - that's more personal :slight_smile:
     
    #2 Yui, Apr 12, 2013
    Last edited: Apr 12, 2013
  3. lull23

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2013
    Messages:
    203
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    LDN
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Agree with above comments, especially the hand-written note part. It's far more personal and will mean so much more than an email. Presuming of course that you still know her address.

    People keep letters.
     
  4. Cy Clone

    Cy Clone Guest

    I think your letter is perfect, Justin. You obviously care about her feelings.
     
  5. manoverboard09

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2009
    Messages:
    278
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Tennessee
    I think its wonderful. You get to the point and explain your feelings. I plan on coming out in a letter too, I find it more personal and you can say what you feel. I don't think she will be upset because you're being completely honest, and that's admirable.
     
  6. Sayu

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 2, 2012
    Messages:
    511
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Europe
    This is an amazing letter and I think she will understand it and talk to you/forgive you :slight_smile:
     
  7. lionel

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2013
    Messages:
    47
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I think she'll feel cheated on, probably won't need the visual of you and your boyfriend together, while you were dating her. I'm just putting my self in her shoes, you switched teams mid game, what does she get for knowing with whom you did what ? Keep well and do what what makes you feel better .
     
  8. Tokgay

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2013
    Messages:
    37
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Close to Amsterdam
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    I like your letter. I thought about it for a bit, but I think that complete honesty is the way to go, which would mean leaving the letter as it is. It is going to be harsh for her, but I think knowing it was in no way her fault is much better than doubting yourself.
    If I was her I would be shocked, and sad, but also relieved to find out what was bothering you, someone she really care(d) about.

    Go for it!
     
  9. catatonie

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 12, 2013
    Messages:
    211
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Quebec
    Inclined to agree with this guy
    I don't know the exact nature of your relationship with her
    Or on what note it ended.
    A year later, I don't think I'd want to hear about who my ex left me for, though?
    Or have my ex tell me "you're all a guy could hope for" with a big "BUT" tacked on the end?

    You know her better than I do.

    What are you expecting to get out of sending that to her?
     
  10. justinf

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2012
    Messages:
    1,212
    Likes Received:
    42
    Location:
    Amsterdam
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thank you so much everyone for your opinions. I'm glad most people are positive. I've thought about writing it instead of typing, but I don't exactly have the best handwriting. It would definitely be more personal, though, so maybe I'll do it anyway.


    I didn't switch teams mid game! I never did anything while we were together. I would never do that. If that's what my letter implies, then it needs changing. I'm actually happy you pointed that out.

    The thing is, my boyfriend and ex girlfriend know each other really really well. He's my housemate; she spent a lot of time in our house. We're all quite good friends. I just think now that I'm being honest, I need to be completely honest. She's gotta know at some point, because we all still hang out sometimes. I don't wanna have to tell her about yet another secret I kept from her in the future.
    I don't even know how I could leave him out of the story and still be honest with her.

    I'm sending it to her because we used to be really close, and we're still friends, just not as close as we used to be. But that's all because of my awkward and distant behavior, and probably her knowing I have a secret (that's the whole reason we broke up; because she felt that I was keeping something from her. We ended it on quite a good note, though). We've been through so much together.. I hate the way things are right now, and I doubt she's happy with it either. Especially since she's probably still wondering what was bothering me. Hopefully we can be closer again once I tell her the truth.
     
  11. Sunshine Cries

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 2, 2013
    Messages:
    82
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    CO
    I think your letter is wonderful. It's very personal, and I think you conveyed your feelings and how you regarded the situation very well.
    Like what Lionel said above me with her not needing the knowledge that you two are together, I wish I could tell you to clean that up - but I don't think there's really a way to say that kindly without being blunt. (Then again, don't believe me; I do things blunt and honest.)If anything, tweak that part a little, but that would be hard, so I'd like to rate your letter as 'perfect as it gets'.

    Good luck on coming out. *hugs*
     
  12. Musician

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2012
    Messages:
    232
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    NJ
    I think it's a great letter. I was wondering, would it be better to tell her in person, without a letter, so you guys can have a discussion about it? Or do you prefer the idea of a letter better?
     
  13. greatwhale

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2013
    Messages:
    6,582
    Likes Received:
    413
    Location:
    Montreal
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I think the letter is pitch-perfect, it has the right words and the right tone, and it feels completely honest to me.

    Don't know how she will react, but honesty and taste will usually win out over anything else...
     
  14. TheAMan

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2012
    Messages:
    477
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    VA
    Justin the letter is amazing! I think you were sincere and put your true feelings in it. I didn't detect any hiding behind the bush or anything like that, just exactly how you felt. If i got a letter like that, I would like it.