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Breaking up a happy home??? Help!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by PrettyLilLiar, Apr 13, 2013.

  1. PrettyLilLiar

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    I'm not sure where to start so here goes....I have always known that I like girls but I like guys too. I have been with my boyfriend on and off for almost 14 years and we have children together. He knows that I have been with girls in the past but I have been faithful to him for past 5 years. My last relationship with a girl ended pretty badly and I haven't been with a female since(6yrs ago). I always considered myself bi but as time goes on, I don't think that I am that into men anymore. I love my boyfriend dearly, he's my best friend and he's given me the best gift anyone can ask for, my children. I am so confused and find myself lusting after women more and more. I just don't think that I can lie to myself anymore. I can't keep lying to him and my children either.
    My kids are still very young so I just don't how I can be honest without hurting my family unit. I think he may even kick me out of their lives if I come out. He's always been ok with me being bi, but has always told me not to confuse my kids, that they didn't need to ever know. My kids are very "sheltered" and go to a high class private school where there seems to be more criticism than necessary but it is in the top 5 schools in the country.
    I feel like I can't be a mom that encourages her children to be themselves if I'm not myself.
    Any suggestions for how to deal with my situation, I'm so confused and feel so lonely. I would hate to be the reason that my family falls apart but at the same time, I cannot live unhappy. Help! Has anyone ever been in a similar situation?
     
  2. UndercoverGypsy

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    It sounds like you go through phases of liking different genders. That doesn't mean that you should break up with your boyfriend - it just means that you should wait it out. If you wait for a reasonable amount of time and you realize that you just don't like guys any more, then so be it, you're a lesbian, and you should break up.

    Also, I don't know where you live, but as someone who went to one of the most academic private schools in England, I can tell you, no-one gives a shit if one of your parents is gay. I know this because of a friend of mine who's dad is gay. He was never bullied because of it. If you're in the U.S., or whatever, I can't guarantee the same experience, but that's what I've seen.

    Thirdly, your boyfriend can't oppress you like that. That's immoral and wrong. If you want your children to understand you, then tell them when you think the time is right - it could be a good idea to do it if they ask you about people you have dated in the past, or if they learn about gays and ask you about that. Being sheltered different to having the LGBT community hidden from you.

    Finally, if it ever comes to it, your boyfriend can not take your kids away from you just for being bi. Unless you are abusive or a crack addict or something, he won't get full custody without your permission.
     
  3. PrettyLilLiar

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    Thank you for your reply and great advice. I guess that I should have gave a bit more info on my sexuality. I have always been more attracted to females than males but my bf could satisfy my needs and of course I wanted a "traditional" family but now it just doesn't seem to be enough.
    I've always wrestled with my sexual identity. My family all knows that I've dated women and have accepted that but I've always dated men as well. I have never actually said out loud that I think that I'm lesbian but I think I might still be halfway in the closet.
    I think that I will take your advice though and wait to see where my relationship takes me.
    Thankyou for your insight into private schooling. I appreciate your point of view.
     
  4. UndercoverGypsy

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    Well, if it's not enough to have a "traditional" family, you could possibly ask your boyfriend about if he would be willing to make the relationship not monogamous.

    Also, have you ever heard of the kinsey scale? Basically, it's a scale of 1 to 6 of your attraction to the same gender (1 being completely straight, 6 being completely gay). My point is that sexuality is very fluid, and maybe you should consider coming out as bi, rather than lesbian (if you want to formally come out, that is), because from what you said, you sound like you're a 4 or 5 on the kinsey, and coming out as gay could limit you if you ever did want to date a guy after coming out.

    On an unrelated note, I'm just going to put this out there, and it's not my business, but academic private schools can be a pretty negative thing. It works great for some kids, and it really doesn't for some others. I just thought I'd point this out because I fit into the latter, and everything really went awry for me with private schools (anger management, ect). Once again, this paragraph is really none of my business, but I kinda wanted to say it nonetheless.

    By the way, I'm sorry that you haven't gotten more responses on this thread. This forum is strange in that way - some threads really just don't get many posts, but others get ridiculous amounts of replies.
     
  5. daisy123

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    @ PrettyLilLiar,

    your story does seem similar to mine in a few ways. I do not like to give advice because regardless to how much information you provide, without the entire whole story, I don't believe one can truly provide sound, intelligent advice. I will, however tell you what I did concerning your post similarities.

    1. I told my husband after spending a year getting my thoughts together. I came up with every possibility, in my mind, and planned out how I would reply to them. I determined how important my bisexuality was and spoke to MANY women. I decided what I was prepared to do and how I wanted to tell him. Then, I sat him down, with complete love, and I told him. I WAS prepared to walk away. I was prepared, if he said he wanted to have a girlfriend, what my answer would be. I was prepared for the worse. I was prepared for most questions....I researching arguments against/arguments for. I researched polyamory, swinging, every alternative lifestyle there was, and I made out a plan for what I wanted. An informed decision was my strongest support.

    2. I made the decision I wasn't going to tell my child until they made their own decision. I want them to make their own decision, which I will support. I will tell them when they are older.

    3. Just because your interests are currently more concentrated on women doesn't mean you possibly are not a lesbian. When you have an unfulfilled desire, sometimes the thoughts of it overwhelm you and its all you can think about until you get it. It could very well be that you are bi and focused on the thing you currently don't have. It could also be that you are a lesbian with a desire to never be sexually intimate with a man again. Maybe everything you've lived for these were were a lie...maybe you transitioned and grew to realize a different part of you. ONLY YOU CAN MAKE THIS DETERMINATION. There are BI women who genuinely LOVE their husbands AND LOVE their girlfriends. As a heartbroken bi wife, I can tell you I loved my ex-girlfriend...AND I LOOOVE my husband! You don't have to be one or the other just because your interest in one is currently flaring!

    I was fortunate. My husband allowed me to have a 1yr 10month relationship with another married woman (I only date happily married OUT women). Her & I broke up totally unrelated to our husbands. He supported me through my heartbreak and is understanding and loving...as I am to him.

    I wish you well and I hope the best decision for you is made, informed and prepared.
    <3
     
    #5 daisy123, Apr 14, 2013
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2013
  6. PrettyLilLiar

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    @Daisy123 Thank you for your insight. I really needed a perspective from somebody who has been through a similar situation. You have given me alot to think about

    @UndercoverGypsy I had never heard of the kinsey scale....hmmm?
    I like how you also added in your personal experience with private schools....I do like the curriculum but the politics are sometimes outrageous. I have contemplated putting my children in public school but the core curriculum is different and I think that they would get bored or frustrated because they are advanced compared to the public schools in our area. Do you mind me asking how long you went to private school? Mine started in pre-k and the school goes to 12th so as of right now, that's the plan.
     
  7. UndercoverGypsy

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    The kinsey scale is a really useful tool. Here's a diagram of it.

    I was in an English private school from nursery school (pre-k and k) through year 5 (grade 4). The nursery school was all good, but when I got into the next school in year 3 (grade 2), the work was insane. On one hand, I was two years ahead of the public school curriculum, but on the other, I was being given an hour of homework a day at age 8. I started to have really bad anger problems (although, they were partially because of my parent's divorce) and ended up in therapy. Therapy toned down the anger issues, but didn't get rid of them. Then I moved over here to Alberta, and went into a public school. By this time, I was in grade 5, and still relatively pissed off. That year I was pretty bored, because of being so far ahead of the curriculum. In grade 6, the anger issues dissipated, and I was slightly less bored in school. Then, when I got into Junior High, I entered an Academic Challenge program (basically a segregated class for the more academic kids), and was finally being challenged. Now, I am in grade 8, happy, and fit in (somewhat).

    I'll repeat that private schools work out great for some kids. Just not all. Also, keep in mind that the school I went to was one that started teaching kids French in grade 4, Latin in grade 5, and Greek in grade 7. It was a pretty insane one.
     
  8. LadyFuschia

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    I can identify with some of the issues you are talking about.

    I am also struggling with the knowledge I am attracted to women more than I am to men. Like you, I am in a long term serious relationship with a man (we're engaged) but unlike you, I am in love and having an affair with a woman.

    I hope in saying this I can help you avoid the anguish and confusion I'm currently experiencing: if you don't find your man attractive anymore, do something about it. Please don't sit on that secret. Try counselling, talk to him (if you can), experiment with your romantic life- dates, bedroom experimentation.

    If all that fails though, it's cruel to string your man along for the ride. A "traditional" life may not be for you. That's the conclusion I'm coming to about myself.

    The Kinsey scale suggests we all swing one way more than the other. Perhaps its just an issue with your man and you and the fact you have kids and life getting in the way that's contributing to a breakdown in communication and therefore intimacy? But if it isn't, you don't want to wait until you embark on an affair. Particularly if you have kids. That'll really mess you up and confuse you. Hope you can come to a decision that satisfies you.
     
  9. Artchick

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    Pretty little liar, I'm in a very similar situation right now. I'm 23 years old and I've been with my boyfriend for almost three years. I like women as well and my attraction to them is getting stronger and stronger. My boyfriend knows everything. I have noticed that he is upset but doesn't like to admit it. I would really like to get a girlfriend but I do not want to hurt my boyfriend. I've never done anything with a women but I'd really love to.
     
  10. Kyllani

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    I find myself in a very similar situation. I don't have kids, but I have been with a man for 5 1/2 years now. I love him dearly, but I'm not in love with him. He's my best friend, and I would do anything for him....but I'm just not attracted to him anymore. For a couple of years now, I've been struggling with my desire to date women...but I'm so scared of losing this relationship that I've built over the past 5 1/2 years.

    I don't have the best advice, but I wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I'm currently seeking out counseling to try to work through my issues and hopefully one day soon come out of the closet.

    On a side note, I have a cousin that went through the same situation as you. It worked out well for her. She and her ex-boyfriend still remain good friends, she has her kids, and she's dating the most wonderful woman. Her story gives me hope that my own can turn out similarly.