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What should I do?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Rahata, Apr 3, 2008.

  1. Rahata

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    Hello,
    Ok I'm not sure where to start here. I just recently came out to my family and 3 of my friends. I haven't told my dad though :S scared of what he'll think. But as for what should I do. Ok my best friend for the past 9 years is the one I fell for. But I'm having a hard time accepting he's straight, but I'm sure he knows I like him. He's even told me he doesn't want to get drunk with me because he doesn't want to have anything happen. He also makes sure to talk about the girl he likes alot. But he does weird things in front of me. I feel like we're walking on egg shells around each other but we're comfortable at the same time, if that makes any sense. So what should I do, move on or just let things go as they are? And another questions, why do I feel guilty for liking him?

    Sincerely,
    Rahata
     
  2. Lexington

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    A good basic rule is this - if a guy says he's straight, believe it. Even if it's a lie, it was told to you for a reason. It might mean "I like you as a friend, but I'm not interested in getting physical with you." It might mean "I may be interested in getting physical with you, but I think, on the whole, it'll be a really bad idea." But whatever it really means, it can be summed up with "I'd rather not get physical with you". For whatever reason.

    So whether it's the truth - he's straight - or it's a lie, the end result is the same. "I'd rather not get physical with you". And it's best to accept that. Stop looking for hints or clues that he might really be gay, or interested in you. If he is, he can approach you and SAY something. His words have made it clear he's not, so believe those over anything else he might do. If he really IS doing a ton of things that would lead you to believe he IS interested, you can always say something. Something light-hearted like "wow, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were interested in me". Said with a smile. But do know it'll probably lead to him not doing that thing anymore, and many guys would rather it continue (no matter how frustrating it might be) than stop. We're weird creatures that way.

    So feel free to remain his friend, but let go of any hopes that something will happen. Look elsewhere for a boyfriend.

    Lex
     
  3. Andrew1403

    Andrew1403 Guest

    well can you elaborate on these weird things? what exactly do you mean by, he does werid things in front of you?

    With the whole situation about hims sayin he dosent want to get drunk with you because hes scared of what will happens, and is always talkin about this girl he likes, he is saying he likes this girl by doing so he is creating a defense mechanism to hiding his bisexuality. He could infact be straight,but im sensing a weird vibe like maybe he is a closeted bisexual..and is scared to get drunk with you cause then he wouldnt beable to control his bisexual attractivness to you..many people can nolonger hold back repressed feelings or things they have long wanted to say when they are drunk...and they usually say or do somthing they would normally be too reserved,frightened, or nervous to do when sober.. but when they are drunk it slips out..

    Anyway i think lexington gave some good advice as in not to persue anything physical with him. If he is interested in you he will eventaully show it ... Maybe if your drinking with him dont make any moves but observe him more closely without him noticing, maybe he will iniate a move on you when he can nolonger surpress his feelings...and if he does make a move on you..be sure to say "Are you sure you know what your are doing?, I dont want this to ruin our friendship"..but in the meantime just be good buds like you were all along..:lol: in the longrun sometimes life has a weird way of working things out by itself :lol:
     
  4. Jim1454

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    You feel guilty because you know that if he knew, you'd make him feel uncomfortable. I agree - that you're best to move on and look for a bf somewhere else. Good luck! And welcome to EC!!!!
     
  5. Davo

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    I agree with what the others have said, you have to try and let go of any idea that he can like you back, it sounds like he's straight.

    You've been best friends for 9 years though, and I'm sure that's important to you so try and get passed these feelings and hang on to his friendship, once things have settled you'll both be more at ease and won't have to walk on egg shells

    If you've come out to your family and some of your friends, and they've supported you then that's great. Once you feel confident in that and yourself you might feel ready to tell your dad
     
  6. Rahata

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    Well he's not scared to put his hand down his pants in front of me, or sleeping on my bed when i'm laying down as well, also asking me to help groom him. constantly wanting me to hang out with him if. And then the girl that he likes called him Babe and he came home and was wanting to spar with me and was really happy, i don't know what to make of it all... But from what the rest of you say I believe your right, i cherish the friendship more then the relationship. Just I wish it was easier. LOL. cheers and thanks for the great advice!
     
    #6 Rahata, Apr 3, 2008
    Last edited: Apr 3, 2008
  7. Rahata

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    Ok I don't get this, he got mad yesterday cause I didn't stay to play pool, but he wanted the girl who he's seeing to come out and she wouldn't(which he hasn't kissed for the 2 months they've been going out) And today I woke up to him cleaning in his underwear he even came in my room and sat at my computer in front of me. He was also getting ready to go out and see the girl. He seemed depressed that he was, and he was asking me for advice on how he looked. I know its only a crush but why does it feel like more? Is it because I want more or is there possibility? I've talked to some of my friends over the years before coming out and numerous people have suspected that he was gay. From the stories I've heard from him he doesn't seem to connect with women. He's told me he's been with 40 in the past 2 years(i didn't talk to him for 2 years trying to get him outta my head) once I started talking to him again, he's only fooled around with one girl since I've come out to him. For the past 2 months he hasn't done anything, except hang out with me. Does that mean anything or am i just looking for clues that aren't there?
     
  8. ccdd

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    He could well be gay, or, as suggested before, bisexual. In fact, when you said that thing about not wanting to get drunk with you earlier, that's the first thing I thought (I know I never dared get drunk).

    It sounds as though he is giving you confusing signals - but what I would say is, is that first of all, he could just be straight. But also, I would say that even if he isn't, he has made clear, from saying he's straight and talking about this girl, that he's not ready for a relationship. If he is gay/bi he clearly is not out - maybe not even to himself.

    If, hypothetically, he is gay or bi, by putting the possibility of a relationship in front of him you are actually asking him to

    a) confront his sexuality and
    b) act upon it

    This is a lot to ask of one person in a short space of time, and because of this reason I would say that it is probably a no-go even if he is gay/bi. I don't say this to put you off, but because my instinct tells me about all of this (little that I know) is that if he's not straight - which he might be - he's trying his hardest to convince himself he is (such as having/claiming to have slept with so many women).
     
  9. Rahata

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    I read the page on how to deal with crushes, but I've had this crush for about 5 years now, I even stopped talking to the guy for 2 years and got out doing other things... so any ideas on what I should do?... I wanna remain his friend and get over him but have no clue why I can't.
     
  10. ccdd

    ccdd Guest

    Even though I've found the most effective way to get rid of a crush is to get a new one (unhealthy, perhaps) I've also found they never totally go away, so if you didn't talk to this guy for two years, but still feel this way, then it sounds like the "old flame" syndrome, which sucks. Most of my crushes have only been properly killed when I am completely removed from the situation - ie move school/house/job. We can associate certain places with them, and sometimes, with the really heavy ones, only novelty can kill them. Or actually going out with them. Not much help for you though, I'm afraid.

    I have no real advice because I'd love to know how to get rid of crushes. However, I would ask whether there is a reason that you are still attached to him - as in, do you like the rush this crush gives you, given your close proximity to him? Even if we know we cannot be with someone, sometimes we are so hooked on the rush anyway that we remain in love with them anyway (I could be well off the mark here, sorry if I am!!).

    I think it will eventually go - I think that it is just very persistent. Did you like him during the two years you were separated? I think it is common to re-crush on someone. I know this isn't really advice, but I've had really long-term crushes too, and eventually they do kinda go. So hang in there, and try and meet some new people, if you can.
     
  11. Bromptonrocks

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    You've known this guy for years and I assume you're very close. Close enough to tell him how you feel? If all this is "killing" you, wouldn't a very close friend want to know? You telling him may test your friendship but you have to decide if it's worth it. The dilemma you face is saying nothing and facing constant agony or taking a risk that your friendship may cool if you did tell him. It all depends on how you tell him. You know him best and can guage the best way to approach him. He is certainly sending out very strong, possibly innocent signals. It's as if he is asking you to say samething. Think about it. If he is a close friend then he should be OK and probably honoured that you trust him enough to say what you're going to say.

    I hope this helps.
     
  12. Rahata

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    Yea I told him, but he really likes this girl he's seeing. He was really good about it surprisingly. And the best part its like a weight was lifted. I'm happier, I'm getting over him, he talks of the girl he's seeing lots and I don't get jealous no more, so this has to be a good sign. Me telling him I liked him never changed anything if anything it made us closer if that's possible lol. But I really hope he gets this girl he's seeing he's been obsessing over her lol, panicing if that be the right term lol. But thanks for all your support I felt a bit stupid obsessing like this. Its funny how I told him. We were sitting in my room and it came up that I like somebody, and he's like I'm not stupid you know. He knew it was him. So I told him we laughed and that was that. But the nice thing about telling him is I'm not so kept up no more I feel a lot happier. I even started doing things that usually make me shy lol. So in the end I think this was a good thing for me even if I didn't get what I wanted, I still got a GREAT FRIEND outta the deal.
     
  13. Rahata

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    LOL, you got all that? wow.. I did love the rush it gave me cause it made me want to do things other then just sit in my room. But knowing he's seeing a girl makes it a bit hard, but seeing him happy when he talks to her makes it worth it. And when he comes home its so funny. But in the end this was the best solution for me was to keep hanging out with him. And as for the 2 years I didn't talk about him he came into my mind about 3 times a day for the whole 2 years. Not lieing. This guy had me bad mainly cause he was my best friend growing up and we did EVERYTHING together. I even witnessed the first girl he had sex with(walked in on them not knowing he was doing that lol) We were pretty much siblings. lol I could talk about this guy for hours. He even asks how I remember such little things lol, I remember a crap load of things he doesn't until I bring them up. But he's my best friend and that's how I'mma keep it. Thanks for all the help you guys this was a big step talking about it.
     
  14. Rahata

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    ok i'm back and confused as hell. he isn't really seeing the girl he's been with, but a couple nights ago we got drunk and he was massively flirting with me. Ealier that night I told him I have a problem with liking him. He said i should get over it or he'll leave and even offered to take me to a gay bar to help lol. So I told him I thought he was one of the greatest friends I had. Then at about 3am he told me to come have a drink with him. I thought sure he's already made clear we're just friends i can handle this. Then he started teasing me. He was fine at first a bit quiet, but then he was playing around, punching me and touching my face. He stated he was only acting this way cause he was drunk. I didn't say much other then a couple comments. He even told me I looked good. He was pretty drunk he passed out on the couch but before he did he asked me to sit closer to him. So as you can see i'm utterly confused and don't what to think. Any ideas or solutions.
     
    #14 Rahata, Apr 23, 2008
    Last edited: Apr 23, 2008
  15. Lexington

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    One - again, believe the words. He says he's not interested, so stick with that until he tells you otherwise. While sober, I should add.

    Two - tell him not to do that anymore. "I know you don't want to get physical with me, and I'm totally cool with that. But please don't get drunk and start flirting with me. That's kinda mean."

    Lex
     
  16. Rahata

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    I want to listen to this, but why does every nerve in my body say I'm wrong? Is it cause I don't want to accept it? Or maybe its cause the whole "Old Flame syndrom" as ccdd put it.
     
  17. Psych!

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    It's very possible that you don't feel that this is true because you still like him. No matter what, it's hard to deny your feelings and his flirting (even when drunk) is still leading you on. I agree with Lex, if he says no (when he's sober) it's probably best that you keep off the being a couple subject.
     
  18. gentlegiant4

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    Ah, the "sort-of-maybe-might-be-bi" friend. (That's how my own friend described his sexuality to me while sober). Who is dating a girl. Christ, thank God, I thought I was the only one going through this.

    He was too, with me, extremely supportive. I suspected at times he was a little too supportive. He was the first person I have drunk with and I kind of thought he would try something. He didn't.

    He was fine with my crush on him. The first thing he said was, "Hey, it's cool. Are we still hanging out tomorrow?"

    We did, and he kissed me sometime after, sober.

    He definitely didn't leave the girl for me, and looking back on it? I can't believe I even entertained the idea. He never mentioned the kiss. He just backed away from me until I didn't know what was going on, and thought I'd lost him as a friend. The way he was acting killed any crush on him. But it hurt, still.

    He got drunk alone, called me and said that I "make him feel weird" and that he wants it to "go away". He also must've said "I'm not gay" about 100 times.

    Yeah, I'm over it now.
    I hope things work a little more smoothly for you. If this guy keeps on comin' on, but won't admit to anything, just let it go.

    There are plenty of guys out there who know exactly what they want. Don't waste your time on the "confused". That's about the best advice I can give, firsthand.
     
  19. Lexington

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    >>>I want to listen to this, but why does every nerve in my body say I'm wrong? Is it cause I don't want to accept it?

    Probably. You say you've fallen for him. And so you've probably engaged in a little fantasy. You know, "wouldn't it be great if Tom admitted he always secretly wondered if maybe he was...? And then I showed him what it was like? And then...?" No worries - totally normal. But I'm sure you'd love a chance to make that fantasy a reality. So, probably without even realizing it, you're looking for hints that it might be. Because maybe, just maybe...

    Sorry. Gargoyle reality slap. It ain't gonna happen. You can accept that now, take some heartache, and move on to find someone you CAN have. Or else you can stay hooked in Limboland for the next however-long-you-want, looking for more "hints" and suggestions.

    He knows you like him "like that".
    If he wants something to happen, he'll SAY so. Not hint at it. Not do something that can be taken to be a move while he's drunk. He'll SAY so. Until he does, move on. And tell him to stop sending you mixed messages. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  20. Rahata

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    wow............
    RBI!

    I never really thought about it.. well I did but not much. Your right I was always hooked on that. But I never allowed anything to happen he's asked me a few times(before I came out). I wish it was easier to accept. And how do I tell him without offending him. He likes to be flirty :S. I hate this so bloody much!