A continuation of a long and lengthy rant Ah, where to begin. I believe I posted several months back, very distraught and yet determined to do something. Here, I am, weeks later…still distraught and determined. It’s kind of funny, I knew exactly who and where I was going to come out for the first time, actually in several instances, and have yet to actually do it. In fact, the person, place, and time have changed many times over the past months. Anyways, this is more of a continuation of my thought process over the past couple of months. On my last post, I said I thought I was bi, however, I am 90% positive I’m . The whole bi thing is honestly wishful thinking that there is a chance, a small chance that I would be able to live a “normal” life. I’m still not completely sure, but I’m pretty confidant about it. It’s more like my “liking” of s is on and off, but never ual-more like a sort of tension around them. I don’t know. Anyways, some things have stimulated all of this thought. Take a couple of months ago at work. Two guys, early twenties-late teens or so, come in and start shopping. After my boss sent me to help them with something they insisted they knew me from somewhere, and then asked if they’d met me at S4 (a place I knew to be a local 18-over club). This shocked me, because it meant they knew without any doubt in their minds that I wasn’t straight. It was kind of nice so I went with it, and flirted with them for a while. What surprised me is I’d consider myself relatively straight acting, though I find myself acting fairly flamboyant sometimes without even realizing it. It honestly depends on my environment, which I think is interesting. Well, I quit my job, so coming out there where I was likely to be easily acceptable isn’t an option anymore. So that leaves me with my friends at school. When I’m given the comments like, “You’re the est straight guy I’ve ever met,” all I want to say is “that’s cause I AM!” I have no doubts I’d be accepted by the female half-well, some doubts, but the male half I KNOW would be out of the question. Living in bible-belt upper-middle class suburbia most-if not all-of my friends are super-conservative s, which bothers me. But sometimes I get the hint of possible acceptance. Take on guy for instance, one of my former crushes, often talks about how wrong two guys together is in front of everybody, but over a year ago when I mentioned one of the old team members who didn’t fit in with us and later quit came out, he went on a monologue of how cool that is and that he was accepting. It’s completely mixed signals. The s who I think would likely accept it do say some anti-gay comments occasionally, which gives me doubt there. The person I’m thinking about coming out to is one of my female friends I’ve gotten rather close to this school year, it’s just DOING it that frightens me. I guess it would mean I would be finalizing my uality, because part of me wishes that this were just a teenage stage. My thought sometimes is that I’m 16, almost 17—how can I be sure? Then I remember—oh yeah, I don’t like s. Except that one. Yeah, forgot to mention the from like 2 years ago. We were in love-blah blah blah. I moved away, and we grew apart. I remember not feeling that way about anybody else, ever, even today. Yet the UAL desire wasn’t there. I keep thinking maybe it’s because I was young, but I mean, I’ve NEVER felt that emotionally strong about somebody. I sometimes wonder if I hadn’t moved what would have happened. Anyways, this feeling is all compounded by the ridiculous amount of stress caused by my Junior year classes—AP US History, Physics, and AP Statistics in particular, compounded by the stress of student council, AND swim team. This meanwhile I’m keeping up a fake mormon façade (don’t get me started on that), my father threatening if I don’t move in with him (an empty threat he’s used for years on both my sister and I that means nothing, yet still s guilt over me), my step-father being a semi-physically abusive bigot, and my mother not being around. So this whole thing is about to make me , and I just need something to relieve me. What that has to do with this post I don’t know what. But, I feel stuck. If I come out at school, my mother finds out cause she teaches AT MY SCHOOL (god that sucks), and my church cover goes away. I’m not ready to quit Mormonism publicly because I’m still friends with some of those kids, and all it would cause is more trouble. Actually, back track on that and let me explain. Raised mormon, the religion=major problems ensue. Back to me coming out, I think I’m ready to come out to this friend I met earlier, but I feel stuck. It would mean finalizing my uality, and just I’m nervous. I mean, I don’t know how I would react to know my friends know, simply because I’ve gone so long as “straight”. I mean, I plan to be fully out at university at the least, but what if I don’t want to wait that long? I don’t think it’s quite possible to fully come out here EVER, not until I can support myself at least (for those wondering— in Mormonism ity is an excommunicationable sin, meaning I would get kicked out and shunned by my parents) but I don’t think I can wait that long.
It's not just you, but I'm guessing he did that that on purpose (noting the patterns in the missing words). First off, you talk about your fear of coming out to your first person. You know the when and where, and in you're head you've probably come out to them a half a dozen times. You're problem right now is just mustering the nerve to go and do it... A few months after I got to college, there was this guy that I really liked (ok, spent several months obsessing over). The only problem was, I wasn't sure if he was gay or not (i doubted it a little, but i really needed to be 100% sure). I ended up deciding that the best way I could find out was by coming out to him. Ok, I had a plan. Now, I just had to go through with it... I haden't come out to anyone besides my parents when I first started college, earlier this year. When I first started thinking about coming out to him, I started getting incredibly nervous. I really wanted to come out to him, but the whole thing was starting to drive me crazy. I felt like this whole thing was starting to take over my life. Eventually, it just got to much for me. One day, when I got the chance (him and i were alone in his room), I just ended up blurting it out to him. He wasn't gay, but he was definitely supportive. Moral: Coming out, especially the first time, isn't easy for anyone. The longer you don't do anything, the more difficult it is going to be. If you have a person picked out, and you already know how they're going to react, than just come out to them. Just get it over with (although that might not be the best way to put it..). When you do, I can guarantee that you will be much happier. I'm guessing when you said "s," you meant "girls" (please correct me if i'm wrong). I have to say, I also like girls. But, only as friends. Nothing more. When it doesn't appear that they're trying to flirt with me, all goes great. I'm pretty good friends with many girls. When they start acting like they are really attracted to me, then I just start getting a little nervous inside. Do realize that people act differently individually than when they're with a group. People will say things sometimes just to get a laugh. I don't like big groups, but that is for many reasons. Also realize that you don't have to come out to everyone. I'm currently out to about 4 people at my college, and right now, it's all I really desire. There are some people that I haven't told, and some that I don't think I'll ever tell. It's just none of their business. The last thing is, if you come out to your parents, your religion states that they will kick you out of the house. Do you think that if you came out to them tomorrow, they would go and do this? Also, who are you currently living with (you mentioned in your post that it wasn't your father). If you think that by coming out, you would be at risk of getting kicked out, you might not want to come out to them, just yet (for your own well being).
it's not just you, my lovely step-father had a very inconviniently placed child block program on this computer...yeah odd that it filitered some of those words though...whatev step49- yeah, I'm not even daring to come out to my parents until after I'm out and gone simply for that reason. I'm currently at my mother's house, and if I came out tomorrow...I'd be shipped off to my dad's apartment (he's NOT a member) and be moved schools and everything. oh, and he's only slightly abusive (hence the divorce) god that's lame for the most part the missing words can be replaced with either gay, h.omo.se.xuality(split up for the filter), (odd that it filtered girls), se.xual.ity, or something along those lines. My step-dad's background program is set to filter those
So, the word filters don't want you to talk about girls? Well, I guess you're in the right spot, then... :lol: So, parents are out of the question (at least, they are if you don't want to change schools). You've found someone else, though, and you already know what to say. What is holding you back? Is it because you have reason to think that this person won't like you/will tell everyone, or is it you just being nervous about it? What do you mean when you say or father is only 'slightly abusive?' :eusa_eh: It sounds like he was abusive enough that your mother divorced him...
slightly is my sarcastic take on it, as it was long ago enough it isn't as much of an issue to me now
Sarcasm is always fun. It's sometimes hard to portray on a message board, but it's definitely fun. I use it all the time (more in real life than on here, but whatever). As long ago as it may have been, you still don't sound too eager to move in with him. So, any progress in your coming out process? With friends, I mean.
Oh Boy, today was...bad. Not so much directly to me now, it just made me rather apprehensive. I'm on my high school's swim team, and today after practice while we were in the showers, one of the poor freshman boys...well he got a little "excited" so to speak (something I've learned to control long enough in such a situation). Needless to say once he was spotted he got a lot of crap. I expected that. However it quickly grew to more. After everyone had left and people were outside some of the other guys began to push him to the wall and even threw a few punches calling him f"agot " and other names. This frightened me because I honestly saw the extremity of some peoples' homophobia at my school and on my team, which made me take a few steps back towards the back of the closet. On a more positive note, I've got a plan or two. I plan on having a talk with one of my best friends who I've really gotten close to in the past year or so and eventually coming out to her that day. Second, this weekend my real father is taking me down to austin to stay with my aunt and my female cousin who I've basically grown up with. She's taking me to hang out with her friends while the older family has a party, prior to that however I'm pretty positive I'm going to come out to her, one as a first step, but two I'll be with people I don't know, and so I can really be myself around which'll be...nice. Back on the earlier note, after several conversations with the freshman I'm absolutely positive he's straight. I've got a relatively well-tuned g.aydar, and I'm pretty sure it was all just a one time thing. However, it still frightens me. If I were to ever be found out, would I be the one being beat up outside? I mean, I fully trust the people I plan on coming out to, it's just that "what-if" running through the back of my mind that's stopping me now.
First of all, I'm jealous of your gaydar. Mine's pretty pathetic, as of right now (although i hope to improve that as i try to meet more gay guys). Second, I see you've started discovering who not to come out to. It's always a good thing to know, but obviously not what you're searching for, right now. It sounds like you've gotten a plan, which is always good. I wish you the best of luck going through with it. As I remember, making the plan was always easy. It really sounds like you've found a good person to come out to, so whenever you feel it's a good time (or you think, "now's as good a time as any"), just get it over with! Not sure if you will get this before you meet with your friend, but how do you think you're going to come out to her? Are you going to casually try to steer the conversation in that direction, or are you just going to blurt it out?
