No other word to put it... I have the most disgusting feeling like I lost control completely and I feel really stressed out. I'm incredibly alone and I mean ALONE. Nobody knows about me. In fact, my mother knows I've been suffering from depression in the last few years, and I was hinting that I was gay by suddenly dissing religious groups, saying I won't get married, won't have kids, etc... So I basically made her ask me if I was gay and then when I said no, she said "I hope not. you can never fix pervertions, orientations..." and just reassured my feeling that my life is useless. She said some things about how it's perverted, unnatural, how it's a problem I could never fix if it was true. What a nice way to comfort your son that's been going through hell in the last few years. She also looked sad when she asked that and made me feel so awful. I became completely numb. I hate myself like this. I can't do anything, I don't function at all... I have a test tomorrow actually, I have nothing to do but I can't get myself to study for it. I want to get over my depression but then I just wanna get sucked into it. Things seem pointless, I drown myself in my pain and then I remember I hate the result of getting sucked into this. Bad neverending cycle. I want to kill myself sometimes just to get rid of this stressful feeling. I can't explain this feeling even if I wrote 25 more paragraphs. It's like you can't get fresh air when you breathe. It's a test I don't want to fail. But yet I'm not studying. It's supposed to be so important but I just look at it pass by and then cry about it later. I'm tired of letting this depression fail me with everything. I have so many things on my mind that I became NUMB. It's like there isn't a bottom... See, the school isn't the problem here. It's not my grades. It's everything I've been going thorugh for the last few years that turned me to what I am that now I let the depression take over me again. It shouldn't be like this... it's just sad because I got a wakeup call but the test is soon! WHAT DO I DO? About the test, about everything... The original test was last week but I decided not to go to school, now that I do the test again, I'm unprepared... and I can't skip school again or I won't have any grade. Sounds like I'm asking for school advice, and I do, but it's so much more than that... BTW my profile makes me a year older.
this sounds like something everyone says but its true so I'm going to say it you may feel alone but your not. I was right where you are I was severely depressed, so depressed that my parents had to keep a close eye on me in the event that I would need to be taken to the emergency room (which did happen a few times) they kept wondering if they were going to find me dead. They kept asking what was wrong but I didn't want to tell them. I had really bad grades in school for the longest time and barely graduated high school. when I went to college my depression eased up some to where it was bareable and not mindnumbing and I got good grades the first semester. I finally decided to tell my mom I wrote a letter and kept it on my computer from december until july during this time school was hard I began to worry about how my mom would react and I fell back into my depression I failed 2 classes and almost a third and got put on academic probation and although my mom made nasty jokes and said nasty things about gay people (and she also asked me once and I said no because of her facial expressions) she ended up surprising me when I came out to her. bottom line I know its hard but try not to let your worries over who you are and coming out to your mom be your first thought try to push it to the back of your mind you are NOT alone you'll tell your mom when your ready I wish you the best of luck just keep in mind that your not alone Sam P.S. do you have any friends you feel comfortable coming out to? you would be surprised how much support they can give you
Now that right there is my BIGGEST pet peeve. Is there someone right there beside him, comforting him? Someone who's been through the same thing or at least is willing to let him talk and feel safe? I'm assuming not. Can you honestly say that you felt any better knowing that there were others out there just as miserable as you? Now because you have found this place, you are somewhat less alone now, losecontrol. We will be here for you all the way. I sure know it helped me a lot to find this place. Good luck, Brenton And remember, the school stuff is important, but you may have to set it to the back burner from time to time if you need to calm down for a bit. But I really hope you do well.
sorry basically what my earlier post boils down to is that a lot of people have felt the same way as you do right now and so your not alone even though I know you feel like it. you probably feel like no one could possibly understand what you are going through, each situation is different so I'm sure that is partly true but about telling someone it really does help to come out to a friend or 2 because if you have a good friend who doesn't care if you are gay or not then they may be just what you need to get through all of this and of course places like this can help and if you don't agree with some peoples advice and don't feel its right for you then don't take it like my last post was probably not the best. just listen to your heart. but I really do recommend telling someone you trust so that you have that support in a person you know not just over the computer good luck Sam
I suppose most of us on this forum have been through this at one time or another. Unfortunately at the moment the majority of society still does see Homosexuality as being wrong, unnatural and well just generally discusting but they're wrong. I suppose I found that the best way to combat the depression is to come to the understanding that it is perfectly natural to be who you are. There's nothing wrong about being gay, ok... it may be a little uncommon (compared to the number of hetrosexuals) but at the end of the day your life is just as meaningful as theirs. You need to be happy about who you are, what you are and keep telling yourself that there are many out there like you. You most certainly are not in this alone. I personally went through a bad patch when I was 17, I was very depressed which led to me running my body into the ground... I took alot of time off of college (skiving), my brain concentrated more on how I was gay and less on my future. The times i'd thought of committing suicide are phenominal.. I even had a collection of different knives on display in my room to use if i needed. But I shut myself off from society, from my family and from my friends. I suppose the only way to get back on track with life both accademically and socially is to think positive, put on a bit of a show to save face (smile even when your hurting inside) and remember being gay is just something you happen to be. You are still your same old self. As for the pressures of coming out... I know you may want to come out and how this may be something that plays on your mind 24-7 (I know it does with me)... but don't feel pressured, come out in your own time. If the depression however, is really bad - have you tried anti-depressants? I don't know about the USA but there's a pretty damn effective natural anti-depressant known as St. Johns Wort. This can help you just to feel normal every once in a while. Goodluck with whatever you decide to do, And if we can help in any way i'm sure we will, Jamie
This is losecontrol in a new account cause I was preety upset when I registered and can't remember the password... Thanks for everyone's advices. Maybe I'm not alone in the sense that other people go through similar things but really that doesn't change the fact so much is missing in my life. It's a crazy downward spiral. Today I was basically kicked out of school. I knew what I was talking about. I'm gonna be there a little more but basically it's over. How long can you be such a loser. The days I didn't study weren't full of partying and other "happy" things, just me getting sucked into my depression. The school issue is just a reminder how bad everything is, school usually doesn't affect me which is preety bad, but now it's the very last straw. It's not that I can tell them I'll do better, nothing's better. No I don't have anyone I can come out to. I don't trust anyone enough to give them this power. The thing is that I'm dying step by step and I really just want to put an end to it.... but not solve it. It's not even about how I get OUT of this. Some kind of success in my life would be nice but I literally can't put my mind to it. I'm dead. I don't want to pull through this anymore..I want to die. Or take a long long break and be by myself for a while, but I'm not gonna that.. I hit a rock bottom and I'm literally numb to rise up. To the person that said that even though I'm gay I'm still my same old self, it might be true but I don't find it. I was so much better years ago, not just the attitude but the personality. It's things I can't get back and it makes everything hopeless too.. I am faking smiles sometimes but I can't do that forever and I'm sick of that too. It's waking up sad, putting on a mask yet still not being able to let go of all your thoughts and actually like people, coming home, feeling sad, then depressed, possibly fighting with everyone, blah blah, bed time. Then the next day I have to face things I could've prepared myself for instead of shutting down a day before, it goes like this for months until you reach the last straw and have a breakdown.. . haha my mother JUST walked in the room and had another discouraging rambling. Shes right I am a loser, look what I'm doing now.. getting things off my chest to post on the internet and when I'll be done writing it, I'll be back to the same old negative depression DOWNWARD SPIRAL.. i can't take it!!!! Anyway thanks for everyone's help, you're great and I liked your posts..
Okay, I might ask my school for another chance... But I want to make sure I actually WILL do it right. Maybe I should see a psychologist? A psychiatrist? The way I am now it's like I'm subconsciously sabotaging myself. I don't feel excited to prove my school wrong and get back on track.. but I know I should. So what do you think?
This is not an area that I know much about. However it does sound to me like you need to find someone you can trust to talk through your feelings with. A professional psychologist or councellor may well be a good idea, though I don't know how you would go about it or whether you would have to pay etc in your country. One of the charities that supports people contemplating suicide would probably be a good place to start - not least because it is free and probably easy to contact. There is a thread about the Trevor Project in this section. If you are in the UK I would suggest contacting ChildLine (http://www.childline.org.uk) who offer counselling to anyone up to 18 about anything. We are all here for you at Empty Closets. However sometimes you really need to speak to someone directly, and I think this is what you need. PLEASE keep posting here though, to let us know what's happening or just to vent. (*hug*)
Thanks a lot Paul. The trevor page shows up for me too but it says "error occured" every time I try to send something... but talking to someone directly and more than once probably is a better idea than sending that one message. I think I need a gay friend to make things feel more normal, and maybe a psychologist or someone that would arrange some things.. venting here helps too but when I'm off the computer things are different and real. Free psychologists are like school counslers =/ I barely have free hours so going to professional psychologists and paying for it seems impossible... especially because my mother can't know so getting there could be a problem and a lot of time (walking/bus). So... the psychologist idea is probably only good in theory cause realistically it's starting to look impossible...
Hey man... I rarely give advices because I suck at doing it... but I guess I am going to make an exception here... Well, I can roughly relate to you since I've actually attempted suicide three miserable times, all of which failed. You must always remember that even though bill gates once said "The world is unfair, live with it.", it's actually not that deplorable. Think of it the good way, now that you've lived through depression, nothing worse can happen to you, so it's time to wait for the better. It'll come to you, I promise! :icon_wink lol. You can try taking a walk for six hours; that's what I did when I got very depressed. Bah, I don't know what to say, told you I am bad at this... Like what all the other users said, we're here for you!
I don't know if this is an option - but perhaps it would be an idea to admit to (the most appropriate of) the people around you that you believe you are suffering from depression and want to do something to fix it. I don't know if the right person to speak to would be family, someone in authority at school - or someone else. What I am thinking is - if, by doing this, you could arrange to see someone (doctor, psychologist?) in relation to your depression...I'm pretty sure they would be bound by a code of doctor/patient confidentiality. You could even ask them if you wish to check on this. Perhaps you could then explore the possiblilty of revealing to them what you believe is the real reason for your depression - and if they are the professional that they ought to be, then they should treat you on that basis. Let's face it, your situation is hardly likely to be unique - and even if they haven't dealt with your specific situation in the past - they should have access to information on people who have been in like situations and the best means of helping you. Don't know if this is viable - but it was what came to my (slightly devious) mind.
Thanks Bryan that did kinda help. Hope you're doing better TriBi thanks, my mother would probably take me to a psychologist if I asked but I don't really want it to be known. She will use that when the time comes. It's like giving her power and I do need to live with her after all. The biggest reason that I don't want to tell her is hard to explain but here goes... If I ever did something huge like coming out she'd have the "he was weird anyway with his depression" reaction (she already thinks it's perverted and sick) and if I tried to commit suicide (not saying I will) she'd think the writing was on the wall and all of that... It sounds stupid on paper but it makes sense inside.
