I'm kind of at a loss for what to do in my situation. I'm almost 21. I've pretty much always considered myself to be straight, though I've questioned it. However, for the past couple years I've pretty much undeniably been in love with my best friend, and we are both male. He doesn't know this, of course. Recently I've become very fatigued of the situation because I don't want to tell him for fear of ruining / changing our current relationship (we are very close, like brothers), but at the same time it's pretty stressful having to hide it all of the time. A while back I told him that I won't be communicating with him for a while. I figure I need to get some distance from the situation so that I can reasonably decide on the best decision. The best case scenario would probably be if I could just somehow "get over" the romantic feelings I have for him so we can go back to just being friends, but I honestly don't see that happening at this rate. I'd appreciate any advice that anybody here could offer.
I'm 23 and have been in this boat for the last three years. It really tough.. I know, I tried distancing my self from my friend years ago for like 6 months years ago and was miserable and just couldn't keep it up. Luckily we got over that and are still very close. The hardest part is knowing that the friend is probably straight but always feeling like you get mixed signals. The question then is, are these mixed signals real? or am I so helplessly in love that I am turning every little look and hug into a non-existent sign? The main difference here I guess is that I am gay and never have really considered myself straight.. Well I had hoped and buried it but always new I guess... There is know rush and I think the best thing is probably to try to figure out what you are yourself. Generally the typical best way to handle this is you tell them you are gay/bi and do not mention your feelings at the same time. You can then judge how they treat you after and make a decision on telling them later. Its generally to much to tell them both at once. But then again here I am six years later and still have not told anyone so its not like I am talking from experience here. Look through threads in the family, friends, relationships section and you will find like 5 similar post a day =) I posted a rather long one myself a few days ago. Read what others say that's were all this advice is from. Wish you the best
Thanks, I appreciate the reply. If anybody else could lend their perspective as well I'd be grateful.
I think you're probably right for wanting to spend time apart for a while. Try to distract yourself and get your mind off of him. It'll be tough but I think it can happen. If, however, you find that you just can't stop thinking about him and really truly 100% need to be with him. I think you need to, at the very least, tell him you're gay. Then, as Anomander said, depending on how he reacts you might mention that you really have feelings for him. If you two are as close as you say you are (like brothers) then I don't think this'll ruin your friendship. Now, he still might not have feelings for you (especially if he's straight) but he'll surely still care for you enough (again, as a brother would) to want you to be happy. So who knows? Maybe he'll be your personal wing-man and help you meet someone just as special. I hope this helps or at least gives you some more to think about.
Well, so you know you definitely like men. That's something. Do you know how he feels about you? Maybe that's a dumb question, but you didn't mention whether he was straight, so I thought I'd check. When I was coming out, I lost a few very intense same-sex romantic friendships, in some cases because the girl I was friends with suddenly saw our relationship in a different light and freaked out. It was extremely painful, but I think it was a necessary part of the process. The ways I coped with my romantic feelings when I was closeted were just not useful anymore after I came out.
Thanks guys. "Do you know how he feels about you?" Not really beyond being very good friends. " but you didn't mention whether he was straight" That's because it's hard to know, I don't really ask since he could get offended or it might give myself away. He's never had a girlfriend but statistically speaking its not that likely that he's gay so that's why I'm somewhat resigned to not telling him. Are there any good ways to broach the topic, maybe a subtle way to gauge how he would react?
Maybe you should tell him that you are questioning your sexuality and gauge his reaction. That might give you a bit more incite. My thought is that if you do tell him your feelings and he dosen't feel the same way it may change your relationship forever. So i think it might help if you accept this fact.
I've invented people before to gauge someone's reaction. "X at work/school/soccer came out to me on Friday - gotta take some balls doing that!" and take it from there.
It is difficult to deal with people who have a crush on you. It is something one has to learn. Lovers are vulnerable, so one should treat them with care. On the other hand it has to be clear that only the lover is in love. One of my best friends was in love with me, and we cuddled and slept in the same bed but it was clear that we are very good friends. And I don't write 'only very good friends'. But I had already experience with that kind of situation so it didn't bother me at all, and I like the more complicated situations and relations. But in my experience most like the easy stuff. If you want more form your friend than he wants from you that will make him uneasy, don't you think so? So if you tell your beloved friend that you love him you don't make his life easier. I don't see any obligation to inform him about your sexual preferences. But if you are like brothers you should discuss sexuality anyway. I recommend a compromise, tell him that you like men, but don't tell him that you love him. He can find out that himself, and if he asks you you can admit it. The best way to reduce the magnetism of a crush is the creation of new, irresistible crushes, and please make sure that they are at least interested in men! Just follow your intuition; I find the advice not to see a crush cruel. Crushes are simply wonderful, imagine a life without crushes! :icon_wink
Ok thanks for the advice, everybody. I've started talking to him again for the first time in a while and I think I'll tell him sometime soon.
