So for anyone familiar with my story, I've sorted out the strange triangle with my friends and got their blessing, so to speak, to come out to the last person causing me any anxiety. There was a worry that my coming out would out my Ex as well, hence my running it by them. The reason I took care of this so suddenly is that I've met someone recently that I would like to date openly, the first worthwhile person since my last, and first, relationship many years ago. All that stands in my way of this is coming out to my close friend and coworker, a transplant from the south. After six years in Washington he's significantly mellowed, and my own suspicions are he either won't care, already suspects it, or will get over it quickly enough, all possible outcomes his sister later confirmed today are very likely. Anyway, the guy I am starting to date recommended I just come out as gay, so as to seem more honest. His reasoning being that my dating a guy will just make my friend think I am gay and actually still lying or in denial. Essentially perceived-honesty through dishonesty. Now, he's not in the least bit trying to be demeaning or belittling and I'm not taking it as such, he makes a fair point that most people, and even my oldest friends make jabs about my really being gay, and is just trying to make it so I avoid the whole thing by coming out as gay. Regardless of his intentions, I'd just be going from hiding one side of myself, to hiding another side that I value just as equally. I realise as I am writing this that my eventual course of action is obvious (to come out honestly), but this is cathartic. Really though, my friend can think whatever he wants, as long as he can get over the fact I'm not straight. I'm not going to start acting differently, I won't stop engaging in the same hetero conversations we always have, I just hope he doesn't think it's all some elaborate act which is something I hadn't considered until this advice was given. I was originally going to ask for advice, instead I will just lament the rampant trivialisation of bisexuals that seems so pervasive in both the straight and LGBT communities. I don't get what is so hard to understand about liking both sexes, and why it's offensive for people like me to so easily be lumped into a black or white label and have a legitimate part of you treated as a joke or an afterthought at best. This was posted on my FB feed recently, is fairly poignant, and was a depressing reminder of this. The Harsh & Hurtful Reality of Being Bisexual
Lying's never fun; if the guy you're dating says you should come out as gay, don't do it. You're still attracted to both sexes, and if your friend is convinced that you're too scared to come out as gay, then - this is a naive thing to say, but - he's just being... Kind of an ass. Sexuality is too fluid for bisexuality to be a 'denial phase'. And if he stops respecting you the same way as when he thought you were straight, then that's a dumb move on his part, too. Come out as bisexual; not coming out as your actual sexuality isn't worth it. ~Sunshine
I came out to my mum as bisexual and she told me that if I told her I was a lesbian, she wouldn't try to tell me to get a boyfriend. But since I came out as bi, she is now trying to make me be more of a girl (I'm very androgynous), because she somewhat hopes I will get a boyfriend (anyway, she told me she would love me no matter what, so whatever). So maybe it's better if you come out as gay, but what if you'll find a girlfriend someday? There would be lots of awkward questions if that happened. Besides, if you manage to convince the person that you really like both genders, I think they will believe you It took me some time and arguments, but I did it and now it's ok. And I think accepting a bisexual child is much more easier for some parents than accepting a gay child, because there's still a chance for them that their kid will have a "normal" life... So, I would probably be honest, if I were you
You mention that he recommended coming out as gay to be more honest. If that isn't who or what you are then I don't see how that can work. Sure, people who don't know any better might think you're somehow less attracted to men if you tell them you're bi but then at least you're being true to yourself.
I agree with all the posters from above. This is obviously pretty personal to me, but just like gay and lesbian people who first come out as 'bi' as a perceived soft-landing and then eventually coming out as gay, what your friend is advocating for just makes it even harder for all bi's. I'm not saying that any individual bi guy/gal has the weight of representing ALL bi's, but it's something to consider. The more bi's are seen as normal, in real, loving relationships, the easier it will be for all of us. By lying about it, you're just contributing to bi-invisibility. You're not gay (or straight), you're bi. And that's that.
I know you've already suggested that you'll come out honestly, which is good. Don't switch from one lie to another. Don't compromise on what you are. It'll just make the whole 'bi folks are really just gay and won't admit it' thing a self-fulfilling prophecy.
If you're bi, come out as bi, not gay. A) why should you live a lie? B) you might find yourself having to come out as bi again later if you want a relationship with the opposite sex again. C) imagine how annoying it will be when friends says stuff like, "Oh, she is HOT. Not that you'd know." ---------- Post added 28th Sep 2013 at 09:58 AM ---------- I haven't experienced this yet, but I am worried about it! Stupid, isn't it.
