Hey everyone! I posted here a while back, when I was in severe doubt about myself. At that point I was really battling the idea of being gay. I've definitely changed since then, and I don't think I have ever understood myself better than I do at the moment. I think there are two points to being gay for me: 1. I like men, this is not something I can choose, it is who I am. This first point is 100% true, it's just obvious from the way I feel when I look at guys, or watch stuff on the internet. I could of course be bi, but so far (at 22 years of age), I have never had those feelings for girls, so I am going to assume I am gay until proven otherwise. 2. I think I've finally accepted the fact that I am gay. It is difficult, and sometimes I wish I wasn't, but that is just who I am, and I don't feel like I am any different than before. This is a huge step forward from labeling it as a phase, and then denying it for 10 years. However, I am still not sure whether I need to tell anyone. What harm is there in waiting until something happens that warrants me telling people? I don't have, and never have had a boyfriend, or even dated, so there is no real immediate cause. I've been considering this for quite a few weeks now, and I've been nervous about it for about three weeks too. I've almost told my parents once, last weekend, and also a group of friends (including one gay friend) who held a barbecue to see each other and as a way to give me a chance to come out. I chickened out there as well. There have been quite a few of these moments, and I feel like I should say something, but then wonder if I should... and I end up doing nothing. I hate being on edge like this, but don't know if coming out will make my life calmer, or just throw it into a different kind of storm. Any advice or words of wisdom? :bang: You guys/galls have been great to me so far, and I am really thankful for that! I think I could have continued denying it and living that lie, but with the help I got from this community I've started to consider coming out as a serious possibility, so thank you.
hey Tokgay, Personally, coming out really helped me feel better about myself. I've become proud of who I am and what I stand for. I know this is not the case for everyone so here's my advice: If keeping to yourself is causing you pain and anxiety, and you don't feel that coming out would be unsafe for you, then it might really help to at least come out to someone close to you, who you feel you can trust, to start. If you have any reason to believe that coming out would be unsafe for you, then try to distance yourself from what would cause unsafe results, then once you feel you are safe to spread your wings, do so. If you are still questioning your sexuality, then that's something you can share with people when you come out to them. There is always a chance that you're bisexual or just queer. Also, I wouldn't hinge coming out on whether or not you care for a certain person, or a with someone. Sometimes connecting those 2 things can cause pain for many people. Coming out before you meet someone may also make it easier for others to warm up to the idea of your sexuality. (Although i do not mean someone cannot be with someone when they come out, both situations have high and lows.) I really hope you find the strength to come out, and that coming out helps with your hardships. Rabbit <3
I don't think there ever really is a right time to tell anyone. You just have to tell them when you're ready. I came out for the first time last year when I was about 21 and have told about 40 people since then. I haven't gotten any negative reactions so now I don't hide the fact anymore. I am able to talk about my crushes to my family and not have them bat an eyelid. I can be much more honest with them about the people I like and the person I'm looking for. I can talk about all the hot girls I see when we're out together. It just feels good to be able to be open with people and not feel like I'm being judged. The only thing I ever regret is that I never came out sooner. If I knew how much more confident I'd feel with myself I would have done it a long time ago. But everything takes time. The more you come out to people the easier it gets!
Thanks for the quick reactions! @followtherabbit: In my case, I have had a few instances where I have really gotten to know myself, that had nothing to do with this newest uncertainty about being gay. What I mean by this is, I think I have come to really like who I am over the years, and I really feel like I am my own person. This wasn't always the case, and this is also the reason I've been really relaxed in life, especially this last academic year, apart from recent anxieties. I also think that my parents and friends would be really cool about it. Of course they would rather prefer straight sons, but who wouldn't at first? I have heard my dad saying "when you come home with a girlfriend, or boyfriend" so he even leaves the option open, which really gives me the idea they would be ok with it. I do have one gay friend who knows, and has been really helpful in sharing his experiences. He is telling me I should do it, because waiting longer is not going to make it easier, and I might regret not getting it off my chest sooner (as RueBea85 said). So all in all, the people closest to me will probably be ok with it. Why then is it still so difficult? I think the reason is that this will mean that I have to fully admit to myself that I am gay, and it feels like there is no going back. That will change my whole future, and will be revealing a secret that I have kept for 10 years! And for people who know me, they would say that is impossible because I talk about everything that is on my mind. It's just become something so monumental, and I feel like it will change how people regard me (not necessarily negative, but different), and who I am. This is just fear of change, but I can't help it! @RueBea85, how do you know when it is the 'right time'? I've almost said it a few times, but it didn't feel like the right time. I'm wondering when the right time will be. I actually got a bit of divine intervention (if you believe in that sort of thing) today. I was waiting on a few friends, and decided to sit down on a bench, and on the bench was scrawled: "the person who sits on this bench is gay", and I thought...well... I guess that means me. Just a random story, but I didn't have to think about sitting down. Again, thanks for the support! Also, how to bring this into conversation? Every time I am with friends they all have their own problems, which they are entitled to. It just feels like I would dominate conversation with this. "Oh, good your exam went well, by the way, I'm gay!"
Over all I'm seeing that you are at the point where you are totally ready and capable to do this, just that you cannot seem to take the next step. Waiting to long may not be a good idea, but waiting some sounds about right. You know that feeling you get when you miss a stair, or the last stair is just alot further away then you thought? I know it sounds odd but it's almost like you're anticipating that feeling with the whole fear of change thing. It's very human. Like when you're getting a needle, take a deep breath, and clench your teeth. It'll be over before you know it, and you'll be better because of it. I know my metaphors are just ridiculous (face palm) That divine intervention you mentioned, well that is something else If you are worried about making other people feel insignificant, just remind them that REALLY big things, dont make big things smaller. Can I ask, Is there any specific thing that if it were to happen, it would make you come out?
Hey there! I remember you posting here before, and your situation sounds similar to mine. I'm 24 (nearly 25), and I'm only finally being able to come to some sort of conclusion with my sexual orientation. I've started to come out to people, but I'll get onto that later in my reply. Very good! As for wishing you were not, this is a natural feeling, but I think you will eventually see it in a different light. When I was "in the closet", it did make my real sexual feelings seem like a bit of a dirty fetish when they were far, far, far from that. By being open, I think this stigma is pretty much gone. In fact, I think I've started to view my sexuality as being this special thing that is only invested in certain people, almost like some kind of magic power that can make myself and others truly happy. I don't know how things are for you, but for me, I think the main thing that stopped me from coming out was thinking I was unable to get married and raise kids. Yet then it dawned on me that I could do those things, but just in a different way than I had been forced to envision. Sadly, this won't be the case for some people in some places, but I know for us (I'm in the UK, and you're in the Netherlands), it can be. I've only recently started to come out to people, but I'm making it a point to out myself to close friends and family, especially while I'm not in a relationship. I personally like the feeling of being more in control of my own destiny as opposed to making coming out an even bigger bombshell by suddenly having to own up due to being caught with somebody I've been seeing on the hush. Think about it. Your friends and family may find you hurtful for hiding the truth from them until you were "exposed". Adding more drama to a big announcement probably won't make it any better at all. While it's perfectly normal to analyse how your friends and family may react to your news, think positively about them. They may well be surprised in any case, but consider their overall personalities and outlooks on life, and genuinely consider whether or not they'd actually be offended to find they have a gay son/friend. It is going to be hard, I'll admit it. Despite the "cool" nature of this post, I'm still not 100% sure how I'm going to tell some people whom I haven't yet told. There were many times earlier this year where I wanted to tell people, but where I felt a big wall was blocking me. Even when I had myself psyched up for to tell people for real, it still felt tricky. If you're anything like me (and judging from your posts, I can't help but think you are ), I'm sure you'll start to feel better once you start telling people. Even if it's just one person in a one-to-one conversational setting to start with (like I did), try and find some courage in yourself.
Yes, many of us just don't want to know. We don't want to believe that we might be. . . you know. . . one of those. . . types. . . . No, that just isn't me. Please, not that. I don't WANT to be gay. You know the drill. As for gay or bi, do not waste time asking yourself about that. Take it from one who knows: you just go around in circles. The only way you know something like that is by what actually happens. If you meet a women you really like, and want to make love to, well, so be it. If not, that's fine too.
Oh, and one more last thing... I'd say get onto a subject that could lead into it well, or wait for a slight lull in a nice, pleasant conversation. With my parents, I just happened to have a nice meal with them, with nice food and wine, and I felt relaxed enough during a quiet moment to say something. With one friend, I was able to get onto the subject well by linking it to a date she had tried to set me up on a few weeks prior. With some other friends, I basically came out with it during a slight lull in conversation, but by the end of the evening, they were saying how happy they were for me, and were joking it was my "coming out party".
Just to reiterate a few points about how the conversation might go. Most likely it will be the hot topic of conversation when you tell them, but, you will be surprised how it won't be the next time you get together. As you said in the quote above, "they have their own problems"...you've got something interesting to tell too and the conversation will continue onto the next topic! :icon_wink
Thanks for all the comments again guys! I've been really busy today, just had time to check on here before bed. I've actually been more relaxed the last couple of days because I have let the idea of HAVING to tell anyone go a bit. I still think I should, but I feel like I'll know when the moment presents itself. I still want to tell people, so it's going to be something that is on my mind all the time, but in a less negative urgent way than before. @wrhla, I'm definitely not against being gay, it's just that being straight would be so much easier you know. However, I'm also at a place where I am not angry anymore at myself for being gay. @Dans le Placard: "I personally like the feeling of being more in control of my own destiny as opposed to making coming out an even bigger bombshell by suddenly having to own up due to being caught with somebody I've been seeing on the hush." Is the truth! I've never been with someone, but I'm starting to think it might be better to tell them before the secret becomes even more encompassing. @followtherabbit: That really describes the feeling perfectly. That moment where you are wondering if you've reached the bottom step yet (in the dark) and aren't sure, or where you are sure for a moment that you've skipped a step or are going to lose balance. (Wow, stairs are scary). It's just something unpredictable, that will spread like a wildfire through my life, and although I can see the fire, and understand it, I don't know where it will go next (analogy off). It's just the unpredictability of a new situation like this that terrifies me! I'll keep on coming here of course, and update somewhere if I come out to someone (who knows?!). Thanks again guys!
I don't know want to say about it but hmmm,just take it easy...do what u like n wat u comfortable with.......
