Expression/Labels/Confidence

I have rarely, if at all, posted a thread in here before. I struggle to express myself but I've tried tonight. Don't feel the need to reply, or read, I just needed a place to vent and try and work things out in words.

Keep running from labels. I don't know which one suits me, but maybe none do. I don't like girls. But do I really like guys? I'm attracted to them, but do I want anything more? I just want someone to trust. I don't trust anyone, I have too much to lose. I want my career to be awesome, but am I ignoring things that may leave me out of society in the future? People judge, I judge. If I want someone to have a good opinion of me, it'll eat me up inside until they do. I need to get over that. I need to start telling people what I am face to face, rather than skimming over the facts. But when teachers or people you don't know so well say 'keep away from the girls' should you correct them? They'll judge me. It'll make it awkward. People will have their own little jokes at your expense. People won't include you in things. Everytime, stereotypes just come pouring out like they're the professor of LGBTQ science. They think they know you from the signs. Professionally, people will add your sexuality into conscious, or subconscious, decisions; should he get the job? Sport is still a place where the majority hide their sexuality. It's what I love. Yeah, stereotypes wouldn't expect that.

I want to be sure. I want to be more confident. I used to be a clear speaker but now my speech becomes more broken - not a lisp - but I can't get my words out. No one really seems to want to listen to me, why's that? I rush my words before they lose interest. I just want to make people laugh. Every time someone smiles because of me I smile inside, but no ones really listening. Now, after you ask someone a question, instead of the courteous question back you either get their life story or nothing. They're bored of you. Am I asking the wrong questions? Boring questions? Is my life that monotonous and uneventful? That guy over there asked the same question and you listened to him. I want to do journalism, does this mean I'll fail miserably at it?

I struggle to get my feelings out. This is more dramatic than I would like, but prose is the only way I can express my thoughts. I don't trust anyone, y'see? My mind scrambles my thoughts so they can't come out of my head. But why tell anyone? It's just gossip… just something to fill a few minutes of the school day. I don't really have problems, him over there lost his mum two years ago, stop complaining. No one really cares; lots of people have sexuality issues don't they? They're all famous now and happy, right? It's the same society, it's not like all the preconceptions of everyday life are different, is it? Ha, you think you understand it. You don't. 'you might be straight, so happy for you' - well I'm not. I might be a lot of things, why can't I just be one? 'Likeable'. A lot of people will talk to me, mainly because I will talk to anyone. But it goes no further, no one actually goes out of their way to want me (as a friend). Do I need to do that? Surely friendship and general stuff like that should be natural? And why do people ignore what they see as 'below them'? Some of the 'unpopular' people are the nicest people I've ever met. They actually listen to what you have to say. They laugh. They make you feel better about yourself. Why be negative when you can be positive? Say something good about someone, rather than a negative comment. If you have it, why tell them? Make them feel like crap. You don't make yourself feel any better. 'Tell it' yeah, what a fucked up game that is. Just be civil.

I don't do much wrong. I mean, I don't break the law or get in trouble at school. I always try and please everyone and keep out of trouble. When I was younger, getting in trouble was such a rare event I used to cry. Now, whenever I make that one mistake everyone picks it me up on it. I can't help make mistakes, but why do your friends damage you so brutally? Your family, too. I guess I haven't created that thick skin yet, but I'm melting as it happens. Again, I can't get my words out to counter. Once, I used to be quick-witted; I could outshine by primary school head teacher. Has this weakness of not-knowing made me lose my confidence in speech?

Sorry this is so long and so weirdly worded, I struggle to express everything.

 

Thanks for your reply. Last year when I was going through a bad patch my Mum suggested it but it never came to fruition and I haven't even thought about it since. I think it's where all roads lead really, even if I 'get better' for a while. I have quite a few issues under the skin which need to be resolved. I always put brave faces on things and get on with things - I don't do 'fuss' - but on this occasion I may need to. Thanks