Overwhelming lust

Hi everyone, This feels odd to me as I've only accepted my attraction to women in the last few days (4 people know) I apologise for the long post here .... This story may sound strange but I want some advice. I'm in a committed relationship with my fiance of 8 1/2 years, we have a house together and are very close. He is the only man I've ever had sex with and our relationship is the first for both of us, we are both happy to keep it that way (he chased me for years before I felt ready to be with him).

Mid last year I developed an immense, out of control, jealousy about women. I accused my fiance of drooling over them, secretly lusting after them and noticing them everywhere. Anyone who knows him knows this is the opposite ... he's had offers before we were even together which he refused and never had an interest. My sister lived with him (that's how I met him) when they were teenagers and she said he was the only guy not playing around or gawking at girls in their group (no he's not gay or bi either).

He has been so patient, and reassuring with my jealousy issues saying even if he can appreciate someone who is good looking (both men and women) it's the same as noticing a nice painting, or if someone has a big nose .... just an observation, but it's not sexual at all, and it's rare he'll even notice if someone is good looking.

He has never had a sexual attraction to girls other than me. I believe him too (even though I know it wouldn't matter if he did in the scheme of things, he's committed to me), but my god I get so irrational and treat him bad when it strikes. With the jealous pangs I'd even get them when he wasn't around and I'd see a good looking girl...thinking oh no ... what if he's seeing a girl like that where he is (crazy I know, and I am an attractive girl so it's not insecurity) Anyway, I've apologised so often for getting out of control.

It's been playing havoc on our relationship .... Now, this all comes into play shortly, but looking back on my life I've never felt sexual attraction to men really (I do with my fiance, but I built up to that). However, I ALWAYS look at women, I can't help it. I always thought this was a comparison, or admiring their clothes and how they looked on them. When I was 9 I kissed my best friend who is a girl, I remember feeling turned on for the first time in my life. I never thought much of it though.

When I was a teenager I used to say I was bi but it was (to my knowledge) just for fun. I kissed a couple girls and went further with another .. but I was so young I didn't even know my own body let alone what I was doing with another and I knew the girl really well but wasn't attracted. I didn't feel any lust or turned on. Bringing this back to now and the jealousy issue... my fiance has always told me he thinks I'm going to leave him for a woman one day, I always thought he was teasing. Until recently I've started to realise otherwise. He said he honestly feels the jealousy is a projection onto him of what I'm really feeling about women, and I should really consider how I honestly feel. He said he knows I like them, he can tell from how I look at them and how I am.

I at first denied it... but then out of desperation and wanting to stop hurting him with false accusations I tried to consider it seriously. I looked at pictures of girls and put any jealous pangs aside, took him out of my head as well and just considered what I was really feeling .... and bang, I have never felt so turned on! I just felt so warm and turned on, it was intense. Then when I was out on my own yesterday and I noticed a girl who I thought was attractive I had an instant oh crap jealous reaction then stopped and thought ... no, put that aside and think of how you feel looking at her, I couldn't keep my eyes off her after that and felt turned on, I felt like such a perve, I even watched her butt as she walked out and couldn't help myself.

But now there is no doubt in my mind that I am indeed attracted to women, very much so. The feelings of jealousy dissolved in that instant (I'm hoping this will continue each time) and since I've been on cloud 9. This is why I've really only noticed women and wanted to star at them. So many things about my past make sense now too. My fiance is so understanding. He has even said if I feel it's important to act on this feeling he is ok with that as long as he knows. I'm not sure I'd do that though as being loyal is very important to me. He's encouraging me to talk about how I"m feeling to help the process of acceptance.

I've also told my mum and 2 sisters. They have been great, except one sister who thinks I'm just confused (she was the first I told other than my fiance, not the best feeling). My question about all this is when any of you (particularly bi, but all advice is welcome) first accepted this about yourself, did you have an overwhelming lustful urge about women/men ... so much it's distracting? Was it just the first initial outburst of acceptance that did this and did it level out or settle down after the confusion faded? I feel like the biggest perve. Or maybe I'm bi with 80% sexual attraction to women?

Also, back on the topic of my fiance saying he thinks I'll leave him for a woman one day, we talked about that again and he said he knows I won't really (but if I wanted to and it meant I was happier he'd accept it) but he thinks I may feel I need to experience a woman now that I know how I feel. And it isn't for a fantasy of his, he said he doesn't even need to know any details it's just for me. Also, our personal sex life has been great since I've come out .. I feel the world is much better!

 

Thanks for your replies, I didn't know if I'd get any since I wrote so much! It has been a really confusing yet exciting time for me, I'm starting to settle into the idea a bit more now. And yes, he is handling this all very well, I've read of others that don't, so I feel very lucky, and I tell him so

 

Thank you so much for your reply! Even though it comes across that I'm all sorted and know where I stand from what I wrote, I'm still trying to get my head around it, and I was getting worried that the jealousy projection theory thing may be wrong (and that's not good, because my jealousy can get really bad). But I've been getting better and better as the days go by, each time I get super jealous I think... wow, she's obviously my type haha. When I can grasp the situation for what it is, I feel so relieved and just turned on by looking at whichever girl it is, so happy and not jealous. It's so exciting when I can accept the feelings for what they are, women are absolutely incredible, and then I get excited to be one too, and to think of being with one hahaha . . I could go on!

Anyway, despite all this I still felt a bit unsure because I hadn't ever read about this happening to another woman/man due to bisexuality/lesbian/gay denial, so was wondering if I was the only one. So thank you for your reply, and congrats for all you've come through and how good you're starting to feel (I've written this at 4am after working pretty much non-stop for the last 24 hours to meet a deadline, which I've just made haha .. so sorry if this didn't make sense).