Is coming out selfish?

I suppose you could say it is selfish, yeah. It's done entirely for oneself.

But, this is an instance where the word changes--selfish isn't bad in this context. Coming out is, like I said, entirely done for oneself. However, it SHOULD BE. Why should anyone have to live for anyone else's standard? Coming out gives one peace of mind and truth of self (even if only temporary), and gives others knowledge something about them that's actually quite important.

Your friend saying this (and I'm assuming with a negative connotation) clearly doesn't know that nothing is ALWAYS gonna be awkward, but it's peoples' reactions that make things awkward and how one treats their reactions. There doesn't have to be anything awkward about coming out, and sure it COULD be seen as selfish, but not in a bad way.

 

Simple answer. no. Coming out is not selfish at all. It`s who you are. Those who think otherwise is their problem.

 

This line from him about putting other people "in an awkward position" is a strange take on things. In my experience, people felt happy to be trusted/included in the coming out news. I think it's significantly more awkward (downright harmful) to expect someone who is ready to come out to keep it a secret instead.

 

I feel your friend is totally off base. Yes, people should treat you the same no matter what your orientation. But the bottom line is that it's selfish to yourself by not coming out to those that matter to you. It may be a little awkward at first but if they can't accept you for who you are then "they" don't deserve to be your friend. You absolutely did the right thing!

 

Coming out is completely selfish. It's not done with anyone in mind other than yourself. How you feel, how you want to act, how you want to be perceived by others. Saying that, sometimes you have to look after #1 and coming out is one of those times when you need to look out for yourself first, and others second.

Also, maybe you're stealing his rainbow thunder a little. I've known gay guys that hate it when they realise I'm gay. As if, somehow, some of the attention they get will be stolen by me.

tl/dr gays are weird.

 

It is done for yourself, most of the time. However, I don't think its a result of neglecting someone else's needs. It is selfish to do it for the purpose of attention, or to try and keep yourself in the spotlight for longer than everyone else, but that isn't why most people do it. Anyway, if we can't be ourselves, what is the point of it all?

 

The word "selfish" is extremely problematic, it's a label with very negative connotations, it can be used to wound because we think of ourselves as altruistic. Is it selfish to take care of yourself? Or is it self-respect?

If you are taking care of yourself, eating could be called selfish. Going into a relationship has some very selfish aspects, where is the line between self-respect and selfishness?

More to the point, of what use to anyone will you be if you don't take care of yourself?

 

Coming out is an awkward conversation, true...but so is getting hassled by someone about why you don't have a girlfriend/never dated/appear uninterested about girls. Lying about it may only be awkward for you, but its severely awkward. And one awkward conversation ends a lot more awkward conversations, where you are forced to lie.

Selfish? Absolutely, but like everyone else said, justifiably so. I disagree with your friend.

Also, I think it depends on your friends...I once had a friend thank me for telling him. I even said the words "I'm sorry for making things awkward" to which he replied, "it's not awkward, its just something I can't really relate to, but I still got your back."

 

Congratulations! Be proud of the strength, courage, and bravery you had to come out! Big steps. And I get you feel good about that, right? So more questions....

Is it selfish to be honest, open, authentic with others? To let them know you better? To have the chance to be in a better relationship with them? Of course not!

Your room mate is out but never came out? One way of living "out" is simply to be out. Though to me the question would be, what about everyone in your life before you "lived out" -- are they just supposed to get it?

What matters is you're doing what's right for you. Don't let the convo with your room mate cloud the situation. Be happy you've come out!

 

I see, you can feel awkward being closeted til hell freezes over, but it is wrong to impose a simple truth on another person.

Ummm...

Have your friend adjust their meds.

 

I couldn't have said it better.....need I say I completely agree with Pete?

 

Its not selfish, you are GIVING them the truth.
What is selfish about giving.

 

Nothing wrong with being selfish. You can't just always be making sacrifices for others else you'll eventually break down.

Besides, if there's one thing you should be selfish about it's definitively your sexuality. So many LGBT members falling into depression and whatnot because they feel they can't tell anybody, it just leads into such an unstable and unhealthy state of mind.

 

Perhaps your friend was never in the closet. Is that what you're saying? Or that he just started living gay and didn't care who knew or didn't?

In any event, coming out is definitely something to do most of all for yourself. So in that sense you could call it selfish. But that's not how I use the word "selfish."

I mean once you're out, you're out. You don't have to keep doing it to everyone you know. Believe, they'll find out pretty quickly from those who already know.

 

In my experience some people use the accusation of being 'selfish' as a rhetorical weapon because in our culture 'selfishness' is apparently viewed as a cardinal sin and being accused of this often has (or is apparently intended to have) the effect of putting the target on the defensive or otherwise bothering them or make them back down or change their behavior (regardless of what they may or may not be doing or whether or not it is actually selfish in any way). That could be happening here.

My response to this has usually been to not only wholeheartedly agree with the accuser but take it totally over the top to the point of ridiculousness, much to their distress (I'm selfish? Damn right! People only exist to be used and exploited for my convenience and pleasure then thrown away. Why do you say this as though it's a bad thing?). This usually leaves the aforementioned accuser either sputtering in horror or slack-jawed because I'm not playing according their 'script'.

If someone wants to try this sort of rhetorical assault on my person, I figure they deserve whatever I decide to do to them in response

Todd

 

It can be selfish at times, but overall, I'd consider that resistance from others is much more selfish. It is everyone's right to live a life free from hate just for who they are. Of course it's not always prudent to make it a big loud scene, it isn't inherently inconsiderate of others.

 

As a frequent victim of this particularly vicious rhetorical insult, I believe I will take your advice wholeheartedly and see if what you say actually happens, this will be fun!