To come out, or continue as I am, with my father?

***I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE FOR THIS WALL OF TEXT. I AM HOPING FOR ADVICE, BUT IF YOU LOOK AT MY RAMBLING SAY, "AH, TO HELL WITH IT," I WILL NOT BLAME YOU***

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So, I am currently pondering what to do regarding my sexual and romantic identities, and the allowance of my father's knowledge of them. Just looking to get as much input as possible, here and otherwise, and any response at all would be appreciated .


Quick background info, my father is the last person on a small list of people I personally care enough about to feel the need to come out to them, whether they care to hear it or not. The last I have not told directly, that is. I told my sister 3 years ago, mother a year after that, and closest friends the year after that.

I somewhat regret doing so with my friends, because it was more than anything simply my mind panicking about coming out to them that made me go through with it. I feel, in retrospect, that I could have perhaps left it an open question, and let them know only if they directly asked. It's not something we talk much about, even now that I'm out to them, and I also feel as if I'm slowly drifting away from them as friends due to their socially conservative views... which I don't like. I like hanging out with them, otherwise, but I feel as though I'm drifting away. But who knows if my coming out to them is why?


Anyways, I fear a similar albeit stronger negative reaction from my father. I could do without him, personally, and I don't necessarily need the money he has (I'm not dependent on his income, but it is nice to fall back on...). It would still be somewhat devastating to be disowned, but I can do without him. I more so fear that my doing this and receiving a negative reaction would spark my mother to divorce him, though. I don't want that on my conscience. They've come close before, and I don't want to be the last straw...


But on to the contemplation of why to come out, what to expect, what might come of it, etc. Firstly, as you can perhaps tell, my relationship with my father is not the strongest, and I am not particularly fond of him, nor do I seek his approval about much of anything regarding my life. So, I have outside of several "panic-attacks" of me thinking what it would be like to come out to him, I have honestly taken the policy of "ah, who the hell cares?" I even have my facebook profile set to "interested in men and women," and have had it so set and available for his viewing for over a year now - therefore he already knows for all I know (bleh, how I am monotonously jumbling words! ). In other words, I am not terribly averse to the idea of continuing that: just leaving it an open question, making subtle hints here and there but never directly addressing the issue... and then maybe I'll find a boyfriend some day and bring him home for the holidays! Surprise. :icon_bigg


However, there are occasions where I question whether this is the way I should go about it. First, the mini "panic-attacks." For example, a couple weeks ago I sent him a picture through email that I later realized accidentally linked to all the other pictures I've ever uploaded... nothing sexually explicit, but there were a lot of LGBT-related memes that could raise eyebrows. So I set about deleting all those as soon as I realized what I had done...who knows if he saw 'em. Larger point was that I started to panic, and began to consult my sister, mother, gay cousin, therapist, etc., regarding the question, "So, what would the hell happen if I came out to my father?" Thus, why I am asking for any advice here, even though I have reverted back to thinking that maybe the "leaving it an open question" policy would be better.

Second reason: in calling and talking to my mother about this, she actually said there's been "so many" points where she wishes she could just go ahead and tell my father about me, my identity. I didn't get the chance to ask her how such a conversation would come about, since I'm curious to know, but the point remains: I now feel somewhat guilty having told her, and then specifically asked to keep it from my dad. I now know from her telling me that I must be at least somewhat guilty of controlling a part of her relationship :/ . So there's the other thing making me occasionally, or perhaps one could say, "thinking in the back of my mind," that I should perhaps come out to my dad.



Now to the point of what to expect: in my solicited advice, specifically my mother and sister who know my father the best, it seems the response is generally "who the hell knows?" My father is a bit of a wildcard. He's extremely intelligent, to the point where I can never expect to reach his level of expertise in any number of topics (expect maybe philosophy, political theory, and psychology; those are his weak areas) - but at the same time he can say the stupidest things sometimes. I could very nearly call him out on being a racist, and he walks a fine line there. There are slight impressions of homophobia that I get sometimes. Definitely transphobic. Also going to throw this in - when my sister decided that she was not going to do nursing and instead pursue a professional career in English, his response to her was "You know what I always say, people that can't do, teach." That struck me as one the stupidest, most evil (considering that this is his own daughter) comments I've ever heard out of him. Seriously dude? I don't care how intelligent you are, you wouldn't make it a day out of the f**ing womb if there wasn't someone there to guide you....

Anyways, total wildcard. I'm pretty similar personality-wise - it's sometimes hard to tell what he thinks about a topic since his personal views about the world are often wrapped in a big, sarcastic cocoon of sorts. Obviously, for someone with that personality (like myself), it's rather obvious introspectively, but the impression you give to other people may not be as clear . Before I came out to my mother, I actually thought he'd be totally fine. He'd told me several stories about people he knew, even some teachers that he looked up to, whom he had found out later were at least bisexual. (With the teacher one, he and his brothers actually went up to one of their houses to visit, and apparently caught him and another teacher in the act ...) I almost had the feeling that he might have had a strictly romantic crush on a guy, perhaps a roommate in college (not sexual, this is the straightest man I've ever known...). It's an impression I got anyways. I had felt he might be pretty understanding, at that point.

Then I came out to my mom, and asked her opinion about it - and she scared me a little. She said she had no idea how he'd react, and that some of the random comments she'd heard him make about "gay people in general" would make her worry that I would get a negative reaction. So, that took me aback, and ever since I've been, in the back of my mind, a bit worried that this could be a bad thing, for him to know at all... I don't know what mindset to trust, the one I had previously, or the one that came with my mother's opinion? Ugh.



So, I'm posting this now because in a week's time I'm driving back to Seattle to stay with them for the interim between spring semester and the summer session. At one point, two weeks ago, I had decided that I would walk in to their house, drop my stuff, and just point at my dad and say "Hey, we need to talk about something. Come over here and sit down for a minute" and then just bluntly go about it saying something like "okay, I do not know how much you know about this, but I felt the need to tell you, I like guys. I could see myself being in a relationship with one, one day. Maybe even girls too, who knows. Point is, I don't submit to the societal norm of a relationship only ever being between one man and one woman, and that's that. Are we all good?"

Obviously that's easier said than done... and as I've said several times now, I'm leaning back to the notion of not directly telling him anything, and just waiting till I get in a serious relationship, or until he wants to directly ask me about it, to let him know.

Anywho, any thoughts or general advice? Just to bounce about and help a guy explore some thoughts? Any and all comments appreaciated!

 

Bump.

Yeah, I know, it's all jumbled and ... long. Welcome to what goes on in my head!


Perhaps I should condense it into a more singular question:

Given all I've described to you, what do ya think you'd be apt to do in my shoes? Tell him and risk being disowned? Or does the impression you're getting from what I'm saying suggest that my worries there may be somewhat overblown?


Just looking to talk about with anyone outside my usual route ... thanks to any who would be willing to reply!

 

Thank you .

I don't know, I'm almost to the point where I'll flip a coin to decide. I think I'll be fine, but there's just that slight lingering worry...

I just... I can't freakin' tell what the response will be! Lol. For another example he once told me that if I ever got my ear(s) pierced he'd throw me out of the house. To this day I can't tell if it was sarcasm or not! :bang:

Hell, maybe I can do that (pierce my ears) and see what the hell happens. Lol!

 

I am not necessarily dependent on their income in order to attend school, it would just make my life that much more difficult (taking out massive loans and such...). Also, their ultimatum is that they'll only pay for four years of both my sister and I's education. And I'm going to go over that.

They've eventually given in, though, and claimed that they will "loan" us the money, provided we pay them back upon getting a degree and a yearly salary.


Anywho... my mother is apparently as perplexed as I am as to what his response could be. I sent her a text last night basically asking, "So, if I where to just ask you for a yes or no answer, what say you? What do you think dad would do if I came out?"

Her response was this:
"Boy, I don't know. I'd say that it is up to you. I would hope he would be accepting, but he is a lot like *omitted grandfather on my dad's side name* and *omitted grandmother on my dad's side name* with old-fashioned ideas, stereotypes, and 'shoulds' and 'should-nots.' I know I was surprised. I would have never suspected. Sorry I can't help you more."

I'm almost wondering if I'll contact my cousin again (who happens to also be gay), and perhaps ask him if I could maybe contact his father about it (one of my dad's brothers). Although he was reluctant to have any in-depth conversation with me about it, it seems his coming out went over pretty well ... but then, his father would be the most liberal of the five sons on my father's side.

Who knows, maybe he (my uncle, my cousin's father, dad's brother), has talked to my father about it?


Hmm ...

 

So just to update for anyone who happens to be reading, cares at all, and/or would like to give advice...


I called my mom today, and while she said she would think that he would not do anything drastic, she doesn't want to 100% guarantee that nothing bad would happen. (A reasoning and touch of wording which I understand, since I don't like dealing in absolutes myself). So there is still that worry in the back of my mind... Plus she did confirm that if he did anything equivalent to "disowning" me she said she'd just walk out right there. So I worry about being responsible for that, too....


I should also mentions that he has stated before, apparently, that he does not "agree with the homosexual lifestyle." Oh, what contempt I have for that phrasing >.< ... If he were to tell me that I would have to hold my tongue. Anyways, just to give you an idea of about the level of bigotry I'd be dealing with (not necessarily fully-fledged, but somewhat there nonetheless...)

But, I've decided that I will come out to him, provided I have my sister at my side, just in case my father goes all "worse-case scenario" on me. 'Cause if it did, who knows what emotions would flare... and I would want her there as back up support.

So I asked my sister if that would be fine, and she said yes. Therefore, tentatively, I will proceed to come out to my father whenever I can have my sister at my side. Which may or may not be this coming weekend. We'll see about her work schedule first. Otherwise I will delay it, since I don't want that "worse-case scenario" occurring with just myself and my parents there...



So, hopefully that'll work.... *crosses fingers*

 

So...to update again, be it for anyone who cares, or merely for my odd feeling of not wanting to let this thread I created go on without conclusion...

Not only did I come out to my dad, and get a pleasurable response amounting to "Ok, fair enough, date whoever ever you want dude," but I also had this part pegged:

He admitted to that without my even asking him!!! Needless to say I'm am "giggling-type" happy right now! Yayyyyyyynesss! I feel completely free! !!!