I am not sure if being gay is worth it.

Do go to an LGBT center/groups if you can find one in your area. Drop any psychiatrist that diagnose homosexuality as "an individual rebelling against his father" or any of that bollocks, they are incompetent. Many LGBT centers seems to have some resources on LGBT-friendly psychiatrist or psychologist which could be worth looking into.

Also, if you're that worried about your religious beliefs, find LGBT-friendly churches too.

 

First step: yes, go to an LGBT center and see one of their counselors. A lot of psychiatrists out there are crackpots and don't know what they are talking about. Sounds like you've had encounters with far too many of those. Time to see one that actually knows about being gay.

Second step: Reexamine your religious beliefs and/or find a gay-friendly church. This issue alone should motivate you highly - either to drop your religion or work with like-minded people of faith.

Third step: if you've acted on the first two steps and are still feeling indecisive, find a constructive hobby to work with to pass the time. I am also a very indecisive person in general and find that reading, video games, photography, etc. are hobbies that help me set goals for myself when I am feeling unsure of what to do with my time.

In time, if you seek out those who'd help instead of hurt you, your scrambled-ness should ease away. =)

 

What country do you live in? This is highly contrary to standard of care in first-world medicine, and anyone who suggests you can change your sexuality can be reported for professional misconduct.

No. In the completely unrestricted privacy of my room, I gravitate toward male bodies and male figures. If you're doing the same, chances are you're not forcing it out of necessity, and that you should simply enjoy the ride.

Well, "Hell" is a nebulous, unscientific concept that people tend to make up the criteria for on the spot. You probably shouldn't invest too much worry into it. If you wish to dismiss the possibility, it is no harder than reminding yourself only to be concerned with what has shown to exist, and what has shown to have clear and objective criteria. "Hell" does not fit the bill for either, as nobody could quite tell me where it is, nor could a sample of 100 people or so picked at random in New York City agree on its criteria.

Also, if you ask me, any God that invalidates all the good you do for people based on a few Bible lines is a real boob. So just be good to people and live your life.

 

Surprising, to say the least, that this is going on in Canada! I agree, they should be reported to their professional associations. Try the College of Physicians and Surgeons of Alberta and see what they say.

I guess it depends where you are looking, but I would recommend you keep looking for a therapist who understands what being gay is all about.

 

I only came out last week, and to be honest, it is all about being yourself.

I can totally sympathise with the feeling that people claim you are making being gay up. It took me years to convince myself i wasnt doing it myself. To be honest, anyone who sends those claims your way are trying to mess with your head. It isnt worth it.

Being gay is no different to being straight, its just that you like men instead of women. We all go through life fearing we wont meet "the one", but you just have to live life, and be true to who you are and how you really feel and one day you will meet someone who is right for you.

On the point of religion, i dont want to appear disparaging towards any beliefs, but the bible was written in a time when social norms were far different to the present. Religion's key is in the spirit of what is taught, in the purpose it brings to life. Scriptures dont change but as gay ministers etc nowadays prove is that the core of religion has nothing to do with sexuality. Your beliefs are yours, dont feel a need to conform to what you yourself dont believe.

And yes, in my experience it is totally worth it.

I hope this helps

 

I find the notion raised at your LGBT center regarding monogamy/open relationship to be a little ridiculous and insulting.

It doesn't have to be like this. You can have a perfectly healthy monogamous relationship with another man, and that relationship doesn't have to be based around sex either. The relationships that lasts, lasts not because of sex, but because both partners have a great chemistry together. It's the same thing amongst heterosexual couples.

 

I concur with what Hefiel has said.

With the right boyfriend, in a committed relationship, your orientation changes from "gay" to "Alex" or "Ted" or "David", read my signature...

 

Yes, many gay men rely on very short term relationships. Or hookups. But that's not every gay man.

Long term, monogamous relationships are possible. We got same sex marriage where I live last fall, and there was one couple who got married who had been together for something like 50 years. I have worked with a gay man who has been in a relationship for maybe 20 years. A college professor of mine was, the last I heard, in a relationship that dates back to 1970-something.

Take a look at this site. Note how many unattached guys big dream is a relationship.

---------- Post added 17th May 2013 at 09:58 AM ----------

One thing, too, is you may have gone to the wrong event, or talked to the wrong people....

I know a LGBT support group in my part of the state that--I gather--takes huge interest and concern in "healthy living". One gets the impression that their biggest interest is HIV/AIDS. I believe they have monthly testing available. Never attended a meeting, so I won't comment. But I will say one reason I've not attended is simply that HIV/AIDS of little personal interest to me. I am not into hookups. Or a different boyfriend each week. Monthly HIV testing, and discussions about safe sex during a hookup are irrelevant to me. (Yes, HIV is an issue for anyone...but the problem obviously diminishes dramatically when you talk about a committed LTR.)

You need to go where ever you may find the LTR minded gay men.

 

Why some people turn out gay is a vast area and its cause seems to be both environmental and at birth. If someone is gay by environment than in theory if you could undo all the major connection in your brain all the way back to childhood it could be undone. I am trying to undo being a narcissist and have two decades invested. If your being gay was completely by environment then the investment in time would be about the same and success would depend on many factors especially the amount of pain you could endure.

I grew to hate the bible after what my brother went through in dying from AIDs in the south. He lived as an atheist but in the end like most he couldn’t take his own life on the chance that there is a God and Hell for those who take their own life. What the bible actually says about gays is not as clear as Christians present it as. As in the time of the bible homosexuality was an unknown and the words that people have translated as such don’t exactly fit or make sense in context .

 

Hmph - excuse me while I make a very rude noise at both these notions. Nothing against you, but the people who told you these things are full of crap.

None of my past relationships have been open relationships, nor did I have to work very hard to find people to be monogamous with. My partner and I have been together for 16yrs now (and been monogamous all that time) and are still going strong. Is that 'lasting' enough? If not, there are same-sex couples profiled on the internet who have been together for twice that long or more.

This link might also be instructive:

60 Moments That Gave Me The Chills During Seattle's First Day Of Marriage Equality

<snip>

Being gay is what you make of it. If you choose to have sex with lots of guys, then you can certainly do that. If you choose not to, you can do that too. In this way we are no different from straight people. No one is going to put a gun to your head and force you to do either of those things, however.

Hm. Says who, exactly? Being LGBT means that you aren't 'straight'. I've apparently missed the memo that told me that it meant 'letting go of typical societal constructs' whatever that is supposed to mean. Personally, I take being gay to mean that I am sexually attracted to other men. What 'societal constructs' I do or don't follow from that are a matter of my choices and my will, not some overarching set of rules that all gay people have to follow.

See above. Lots of LGBT people form relationships that are just as long lasting and stable as straight relationships. Some people do indeed have open relationships and that seems to work for them. I don't understand how they work, but they don't bother me either. But since I'm also not 'required' to have an open relationship in anyway, it's only of academic interest to me.

You seem to have either been told a lot of very incorrect things or to be making some rather unfounded leaps of logic that are based on premises that are faulty or even flat out wrong.

I don't think you're pathetic. I do think you've either been badly misinformed or are letting negative emotions drive your reasoning, which is usually not the best course of action.

To help clear up both issues, I'd like to suggest that you speak to the folks here at EC and maybe ask us about any questions or concerns you have about being gay. I think we can give you a much better range of answers than what you have apparently been receiving so far. And with some more accurate and complete information available, I'm hopeful the emotional stress you're experiencing will be rather improved as well.

My 2c worth,

Todd

 

You need a psychologist not psychiatrist. A psychiatrist instead of using therapy to permanently fix issues mainly treats problems with medicine like a doctor. I would suggest trying to find one that is gay. On the long term relationship discussion of the people I know and have known only two have had long term relationships and one was my psychologist. The reason is the same as straight people they didn’t find happiness in the current relationship and moved on to the next one.

 

I can't say I disagree with the 'leader' in regards that it should be better to assume that everyone is HIV+, but that in itself should not be a deterrent from seeking and forming a relationship. It is a very responsible thing to do to get tested for HIV, and get your partner tested for HIV as well to be on the safe side. It's part of the reality we have to deal with, but it's not a deal breaker, and once that's over with, you can just enjoy your (closed) relationship with your partner.

In my case I would certainly not want to have sex with someone that hasn't been recently tested. Too much risks involved in my opinion. Condoms required as well, no condoms no sex.

There are plenty of role models out there by the way. George Takei has been in a relationship for over 20 years from what I can recall. Ian Mckellen has had a few long term relationship as well. John Corvino also comes to mind (although he's not a celebrity, but a philosopher).

 

Being any sexuality isn't worth much, it's just a label. Being who you are is worth everything..
I haven't read any other comments so sorry if this was already said

 

Some things to keep in mind here...

a) It takes time to find that 'special someone' who you are going to have a relationship with. Even straight people struggle with this. It's just that they (and society as a whole) take it for granted it will take a long time and organize themselves to be supportive of that process. LGBT people have much less of that support structure, both as a minority as because some parts of society have issues with us. So it can be harder, but certainly not impossible.

b) You're young - I know that may not seem helpful, but basically you have a lot of time yet to find someone. I was 27 when I met my partner. Before that, I dated a guy and before that had a 3yr relationship that ended badly. Life has it's ups and downs for everyone. But please don't give up because of that.

c) I'm not sure what you mean by 'living as a gay man'. If you'd like to expand on what you mean by that, it would be very helpful For my part, I choose to live as a man who happens to be gay. I do as I please and pick and choose what parts of gay (or straight) culture I make a part of my life. I spend virtually zero time worrying about what either culture may think about that. Really, it's rather...freeing. I'd recommend considering it as a lifestyle choice.

d) Regarding religion - I'd suggest finding a gay friendly denomination (the Unitarian Universalists or Episcopalians are both possibilities) and talking to them about this if it is an issue for you. There are also a number of EC members who are religious and who may be able to offer insights and advice, whether posting to this thread or in response to a thread on the topic that you could post to the forum, maybe in the Chit-Chat or General Support sections.

e) As far as 'everyone' telling you it's a phase or trying to get attention or whatever - ignore them. This above all things - to thine own self be true (Shakespeare).

f) As far as open relationships - I vaguely recall Dan Savage being a fan of these and apparently the folks you talked to at the center are. To which I say - good for them, but there are certainly other options available. They did you a disservice in my opinion in not treating open relationships as simply one of various options (because that's all it is).

g) Re HIV and being tested. This is part of being a gay man - get tested and practice safe sex. For that matter, these days it's also part of being a straight man. Yes, it can be a little scary. But so is the number of people killed in car accidents each year. But we all drive around anyway and accept the risk. And do what we can (seatbelts and airbags, driving defensively,etc.) to be as safe as we can. And most of us will go through life with not even a fender bender let alone a deadly accident.

Life is not totally safe and being alive means taking some risks. But you can manage your behavior to minimize those risks while still living a rich and rewarding life.

Ok, I'll stop with the bullet points now.

Hope this helps,

Todd