Hey guys, Okay, I'm really fucked up. Didn't quite realize to what extent, but here we go. I'm in the Bachelor of Health Sciences (Honours) program at McMaster University, and we take a course called Inquiry, which verges on being an exercise in psychological self-assessment. And today I had my final interview with my facilitator, who I like very much. But after the interview, I wanted to cry. I have panic disorder, and it's really bad. I also have a touch of depression. I take 60 mg of fluoxetine (the maximum dose) and it works somewhat, and I also have sublingual Ativan for emergencies in case I have a panic attack. Various things set off my panic attacks, but a lot of it stems from a problem with social interactions. Back to Inquiry, though - we get marked on this stuff. And I'm giving myself an A+, but before my facilitator will approve it he wants a bit more information about my issues with social interaction and how my anxiety affects that. This is where it gets sticky. I'm gay, and I'm okay with that. About six months ago I came to a point where I could comfortably look in the mirror and say, "Yep, I'm gay". But I'm not out. At all. I tell myself that if someone were to ask me if I'm gay, I'd say yes. But deep down I know I'm lying to myself - I'd probably just bullshit my way out of the situation and not answer at all. And the fact that I'm not open with anybody about being gay makes social interaction really hard for me - I feel like everything social that I do is built on false pretences. And apparently my inquiry facilitator wants to know why I'm not very social and what strategies I can come up with to improve. The honest way would be to tell him that I'm gay and really freaked out that people won't accept me for that, so I try to distance myself from social stuff. But I don't know how he'd respond to that. He's an atheist (don't ask how I know that), so that does help - at least I know he's not a crazy homophobic religious crazy person . But he's at least 60 years old, so I don't know. He's generally a really accepting person, but I just don't know. To further complicate the situation, he's in a position of power within the program (can't say what position though, because that would identify him). So screwing up my relationship with him would be a very, very, very bad idea. So what do I do? Kind of lost here and feel like :bang: - any suggestions? Feel free to ask for more info too if I've forgotten important details or something.
Well, it's preferable to come out only when you are ready. Are you? If this situation hadn't cropped up, would it be another month, another year, or even more before you come out? Oftentimes however, we need a push. And being honest with him is possibly just that nudge you need. The alternative I suppose is to make something up about your anxiety, but don't you think your relationship with him will be healthier if you are open with him rather than trying to come up with some other excuse and have to create this entire charade of strategies to deal with it. You say he is a professional, an educator, and an accepting person who doesn't have any religious hang-ups. Sounds like there's a lot going for telling the truth.
There's the million-dollar question. I don't know if I'm ready, but I think if I was totally honest I'd have to say I don't think I would've come out until I had a boyfriend to fall back on in case things went sour. I'm going on a date in a couple weeks with an awesome guy who understands me for me and has a lot of the same issues, so we really get each other - wish me luck on that. Of course, the whole truth is that I'm terrified of this date. Not because he's a guy and it officially signifies my acceptance that I'm gay (this doesn't bother me at all), so it's not that it's a gay date that frightens me, it's that it's a date. I've never gotten this close to someone, and I'm generally a very introverted, private person, so it's giving me a lot of stress. On the other hand, losing him because I'm stupid enough to avoid this date terrifies me just as much, so I'm torn . Any advice on that? You're probably right. But here's the problem. Scenario 1 is that he becomes cold and distant because he's homophobic - that's very unlikely I think, but you never know. He was in the military once, and the military doesn't have a great reputation for being inclusive of LGBT people . But nonetheless, I think scenario 1 is quite unlikely. The worrisome thing is that scenario 2 is that he'll be fine with it, but it's pretty much guaranteed that he'll try to work through my gay-related issues with me. And that's going to make me cry and spill all of my insecurities out to him. I'm not quite sure where the boundary is between inquiry facilitator and therapist, but I worry that that's going too far . Advice on that?
Hi Aaronmed I am a long time sufferer of social anxiety ... and also quite private about my sexuality when it comes to strangers. So I can identify with your dilemma. I think the tutor - if he does his job professionally - ought to be supportive and accepting and you should have nothing to fear about telling him. But he is an individual and there are no guarantees. I think you have to just have to follow your gut instinct. I thought of 3 options forward: (1) You could just say "I am sorry, it is private and I m not comfortable telling you the detail right now as it is very personal.." and he ought to respect that - but it would not help you establish the best rapport that will help get you the grade you want. (2) If you are worried by mentioning the gay related issues ... you could simply say that you have been formally diagnosed with social phobia and anxiety and that you are even on medication for it. That could be enough - and would be quite truthful - even though you are not touching on the "gay" topic at all (3) If you want to give yourself 'a push' and go all the way and discuss the anxiety AND gay issues you could start with a 'pre-condition' by saying you are uncomfortable telling him more unless it is held in strictest confidence and see what his reaction is. He may say something back that reassures you that he will keep it confidential and you could decide then if you want to tell him a bit more. But you need to feel ready for this and - if it feels like too much pressure - I don't see that it is essential you cross this line. He has no right to force anything out of you and he should show you some sensitivity. But it could be a golden opportunity for him to give you advice on your situation and you may be pleased you have taken the big step with him. Sorry to give obvious options but as I do not know the precise circumstances, you have to ultimately be the one to decide. When you discuss strategies to improve your social situation you can list all sorts of things like making positive steps. e.g.: to phone friends, saying "yes" to party invitations when asked (instead of making excuses not to go); joining clubs and interest groups etc etc and I am sure that would impress him. As for the date... just go with the flow. It doesn't have to be a terrifying experience or lead to anything major on the the first meeting. I bet he is nervous too. You could break the ice a bit online first by saying you are feeling a bit nervous ... and I am sure he will say the same ... and you will get some useful feedback/ ground rules before you actually meet up... Good luck with everything.. Let us know how it goes???? xx
As most universities and their staff, with the exception of religious based institutions, tend to be liberal, I think you're safe with coming out to him. It sounds like his position is to help and assist students and he may even be able to point you to a counselor for further discussion. You're likely not the only gay student he has encountered. Also, by coming out to him, you could view it as practice, perhaps. For example, for the most part, he is a neutral third party, it's not like you're starting with your parents or someone else emotinally close to you (which likely would cause you more anxiety). Since this man does not have an emotional tie to you, he will likely be very indifferent to your revelation, in the sense that he will not be in a state of shock or other strong emotion. I have major anxiety and, at times, depression and I have to rely on medications too, even though I don't like to admit it--I do rely on them. Perhaps you could take some of your anti-anxiety medication shortly before your next meeting with him to reduce your inhibitions and chances of a panic attack during the discussion. That is my opinion and I've been in similar situations. Hope it helps! Good luck. I am, too, in the same degree program, btw.
I think you have been handed a golden opportunity to come out. Not only will it make life easier, it will get you a good grade. Seriously, you want someone to just come out ask you if you're gay so you can say yes. I know what that's like. I was always terrified to tell anyone what I feared, but I would dream about being outed in public, and it was the best dream I ever had. Had it a few times.
