Where do I begin. Im in my mid 20s from colorado. My mother is a seventh day adventist and my father a southern baptist, it was a conservative house to say the least. contrary to this tho they had severe emotional problems of their own and i was sporatically pshyically abused and largely neglected growing up. They used to lock me in the basement(The longest single period was for 3 weeks without coming up). Due to this i never developed any social skills. In HS and MS i had no friends ever. I am very very very shy. I am like silent bob from the clerks movies. After I left my parents house I fell on rough times and I was homeless for a short time. I have however worked back from this and have my own new car, apt, and job. i am also going to get a degree and play in a really cool band. Since I never had a social life I never developed any relationships. i am still a virgin and have never even kissed. I was always waiting for the right person to come along. Still being a virgin at this age isnt normal. It is a great source of shame and humiliation for me. I love women and think they beautiful, but I have also had other feelings. When I was younger I tried to suppress these feelings,I thought it was the devil corrupting me. I grew older though and left the church. I opened my mind and met new people, felt new things and I now want to cast my own stone into the world. I have always kept suppressing my emotions tho. I am now getting older and want to one soon start a family. I now have to deal with these feelings head on and I dont know how to suppress them anymore. I dont know what to feel anymore. I feel so soul crushingly dead inside. I think about men and women equally. i like women, but I find some men more attractive than some women. I have had crushes on some male friends and have thought about spending time with a man like how i do with a woman. Not strictly sex, but just spending time together and trying to find love. Its supposed to be a man and a woman, but what if you like someone else?Whenever i think about spending time I feel an inexplicaple shame. shame upon myself and my family. How do I kill this feeling? I have felt very few emotions that have hurt me pyhsically, but this is the most harsh and frequent. I am like a mix of abed from community and spock from trek. I have always had control over myself and exert few emotions, but I cant fiqure out what is going on. I am so lonely I could never tell my remaining family of these feelings, they would disown me. I cant tell my few friends/bandmates. We play in a Metal band where its all testoterone and macho. If I told them I would get kicked out and music is my passion. I know a few gay coworkers and i act OK with it. Why is it easy to accept them, but I cant accept myself? why do I feel this great shame when I desire this form of love? I want to one day have a family of my own with a blood child of by own. I cant do that i with a man,but does that mean i need to try to ignore these feelings? I always believed in a quote that said that love is the most powerful weapon humans have against the vast emptiness of the cold universe and mortality. Then why does it hurt and shame me so to even think about this form of it? and Why is love so elusive and cruel? AmI bi? gay? Has anyone else felt this? Is this normal? AmI insane?
Welcome to EC, fellow Coloradan. Lots to say, so buckle up. First off, it sounds like you might be bi. It'll at least do for now, so feel free to scribble that in pencil - you can change it later. And there's nothing conflicting about being gay/bi and metal. There's a thread here on EC discussing favorite metal bands. Rob Halford is just the most obvious example of being metal and being gay. And as you should know, metal isn't about "men things" - if it were, why are there female metal fans? Being metal is 99% attitude, and that attitude is not giving a fuck. Yeah, maybe after singing about sacrificing to the goat god, you'll want to bend that goat god over the altar and have your way with him, but the metal response to that is "DO YOU HAVE A FUCKING PROBLEM WITH THAT?!" Preferably bellowed in a basso profondo. That said, I'd say therapy would probably be a good idea. It sounds like you (not surprisingly) still have some issues to work out, and it'd be a good way to work on building and strengthening your social skills. Once you do that, I think many of your problems and questins might sort themselves out. Of course, you're always welcome to post here and ask us, as well. Lex
what if im not comfortable with a therapy? My little sis saw a head doc and they gave her all sorts of pills that messed with her head. she had cut marks all the way up her arms for years. I dont want that. rob halford is a god ,but my band is a very heavy death/thrash band. i still wouldnt feel comforatble telling them anthying. they would mosh all over me
There's no shame in being a virgin in your mid-20s. LGBTs statistically tend to lose their virginity a little later on in life, and understandably so. I'm a virgin as well for that matter. Of course you won't be hearing me shouting that at the top of every building, but it's definitively not a source of shame, and should not one be either. ---------- Post added 30th Apr 2013 at 01:23 AM ---------- That reminded me of Gaahl from Gorgoroth. Death metal band, the singer is both gay and apparently a vegetarian as well (go figure). His story is a bit hm... peculiar however to say the least.
I do listen to a lot of gorogoroth Destroyer is in my top 10 Black Metal songs ever its still very risky too. my band is recording this summer and might get on CO radio. If they ever find out Ill lose it all. i dont think there as open minded as some. Do you have the link to that heavy metal thread? ---------- Post added 29th Apr 2013 at 09:48 PM ---------- And what if I dont want these feelings? what if my willpower to fight these feelings is crumbling?
You're specifically looking for "talk therapy". A therapist you can talk with and work on your social skills with. Just tell any therapist right off the bat that you don't want to go the anti-depressant route. They should respect your wishes. Again, death metal/thrash is all about attitude. You don't tentatively tap your guitar and half-heartedly nod your head. You don't tiptoe to the front of the stage and mumble "Um, we would like to rock now if that's OK with you." You shred that fucker, and band your head full-force, and announce to the assemble multitude that it is now time to rock, in such a way that leaves no room for argument. And your sexuality can be handled exactly the same way. You don't tell them in hushed tones that you have something horrible to tell them, and it's the most god-awful secret, and they can't tell ANYONE, pinky promise. They're musicians in the year 2013. They're used to this sort of thing. (There's plenty of gays in the Colorado music scene.) So you just tell them you dig guys (and girls), and if they don't like it, they can go fuck themselves. Because that's fucking metal. None of us signed up to be gay/bi/trans. We realized we were. And once we came to that realization, we simply made a few minor adjustments to our lives so we could continue living kick-ass lives as gay/bi/trans. It can seem scary but it very rarely is the frightening world we imagine it might be. Lex
Lexington, did you ever feel this? did you lose friends when other people found out about that part of you? did your relationships with close people change? What did you have to adjust?
There was concern. I wasn't sure how to bring it up, or the best way to go about it. But I wasn't really worried about losing friends. Because I knew my friends kicked ass. And no, I didn't lose any friends. Did the relationships change? I don't think so. It's tough to tell, since I came out just around the time I graduated college and moved away. And that changes every relationship - you go from "living near/with these guys 24/7" to "being a thousand miles away". But the friendships remained strong. What did I have to adjust? A few things. The additional filter that about 90% of guys would be immediately off the market for me. That some people would find out about my sexuality before anything else, and might have some misconceptions based on that. Nothing major, really. ...and here's the thread about metal. Lex
Hi Caligari, Welcome to EC. Wow, you've had a tough life. It sounds like you've been through trauma with your abusive parents. I come from an abusive upbringing, too, and I recognize the shame. I agree with Lexington's advice on seeing a therapist, tell them you don't want medication. And, a therapist is someone to talk to, a psychiatrist is the one who prescribes medication. Also, before you see your therapist, tell them what you are looking for, what you want in a therapist. I have seen crappy therapists who were horrible matches for me and made me feel more alone and isolated than before I went, and I have seen wonderful ones who help me heal. So, before you have any session, talk on the phone to the therapist and tell them what you wish from them. I told mine I wanted someone who listened. Anyways...I think a therapist would be a very healthy thing for you, and this isn't for sexuality. As for your question about being bi or gay, you are the only one who knows the answer. From what you wrote you seem bi. But maybe you're gay. As for the shame, I have felt it. Before I ever messed around with guys and even after I'd lost my virginity. Seeing a therapist has helped. I think the biggest thing is for you to love yourself. That is important. Love yourself for who you are, which maybe you're bi, maybe you're gay, you're a singer in a band, you're a soon to be graduate, etc. Love yourself for all your incredible qualities that make you you, Caligari. You aren't obliged to tell your bandmates your sexuality, nor your family. I think you should focus on loving yourself for every aspect of you. You aren't insane. You are a product of trauma and you survived it. I hope you feel better.
Ohhh, and also, writing in a journal helps. Write about all your feelings, sad feelings, lonely feelings, gay feelings, etc.
Thanks. I dont sing tho. i play Bass. and sometomes guitar with other groups. How do you love yourself when when one part of you says one thing and another says somthing else and you dont know who you even are?. you start despising yourself becuase they are hurting each other.
Well, think about your friends for a bit. Not necessarily your bandmates, but anybody in your life. They presumably have good and bad traits. Things about them you like, and others that you might find mildly irritating or annoying. But they're still your friends. You accept these negative traits as part of the package deal. They're part of who they are. You're not sure about your sexuality. That's fine. Lots of people don't have their sexualities doped out at age 20, 30 or even 40 and beyond. Accept that. Accept that you're not sure. Yeah, it'd be nice to know, but know you'll get there eventually. Do your best to not set it up as a conflict. It's just two (or three) potential outcomes. Maybe you're this, maybe you're that, maybe you're the other thing. And whatever you are is what you be. Work on accepting that, and the path will get a lot smoother. Lex
I just wrote a long response but my darned internet froze me up and deleted it...so, I re-read your original post, and sure enough i was sporatically pshyically abused and largely neglected growing up. They used to lock me in the basement(The longest single period was for 3 weeks without coming up). Due to this i never developed any social skills. In HS and MS i had no friends ever. is not an easy nor healthy way for a child to grow up, whether they are straight, bi, lesbian, gay or trans. Your issue is shame, not sexuality. I say this because, as I said, I come from an abusive upbringing and I've had to deal with the shame as well. Maybe it is transposed onto the sexuality (or gender in my case,) but shame is a deep feeling of not being good enough. And shame is derived from abuse or trauma. I strongly suggest trying to love yourself. Really work on it. You can imagine one of your friends who exhibits the traits that you would be ashamed of in yourself. Imagine this friend who you care about. Since it is your friend, you know they have nothing to be ashamed about. When you are sure that they are perfectly fine human beings who you love, then slowly visualize their face becoming yours and their body becoming yours. That is one exercise. Write in a journal. Write either when the feelings or pangs of shame come up, or afterwards. And be honest and really explore them. Why do they come up? Where do they come from? Ask yourself and try to answer why you are ashamed. There are a lot of good books on this. If you send me a private message I can email you back the names, because I have to look for them. And, seeing a therapist. You are a normal human being. I am really sad having read your post again, because that is terrible you went through that.
Thanks for listening Madeleine. I couldnt send you a pvt message. Im not a full member and it wont let me. Id still like those book titles tho.