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Advise for mother?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Mariahk, May 1, 2013.

  1. Mariahk

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    Ok so a few days ago my 15 year old came and told he is gay. I am totally ok with this I have loved him since the day he was born and no matter what. Nothing will ever change that. He also told a few of his closest friends and all were positive, none were surprised. One of the things I am having issues with is my son has asked not to tell his Dad. I told him I wouldn't and I won't but I know his Dad wont care. First he has told me before he thinks our son is gay and wont be surprised. And second he was raised by two women and has his life supporting him Mom's. I dont like keeping secrets from my husband but I also dont want my son to feel he cannot trust me. I am not really sure where to go from here.
     
  2. LoganJaykob12

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    I say talk to him about telling his dad. Tell him that his dad said he thinks he is gay and he wouldn't be surprised. If he said that then he must not be against it. Not to mention, he is going to figure it out eventually so better to tell him sooner than later. And if the dad finds out that everyone knew but him, he may be a little hurt. So basically, talk to him about telling the dad because it's better to tell him sooner than later.
     
  3. BMC77

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    Well, ultimately, it's your son's decision. And it should be respected. So don't tell your husband.

    What I do think you can do is gently encourage your son. You could tell him that his dad/your husband won't care, for example.
     
  4. The Dude

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    First of all, I love it when parents come on here to support their children...that's awesome. You're a great mother.

    As a 19 year old who hasn't told his parents, I guess I'm not in the best position to give advice but I wouldn't tell his father. I would be crushed if somebody I didn't want to know ended up knowing before I was ready. There is a lot of self-acceptance with coming out of the closet, and it takes a long time, at least for me. My brothers told me multiple times that if I need to come out that they won't care, and give me opportunities all of the time to tell them, yet I can't do it. I've told my closest friends and that's it. I'm still not comfortable enough with myself where I want to tell my family. I want them to know eventually, but I'm just not in any rush.

    If your son and you talk often, about this subject, maybe you could ask him why he feels like not telling his father, but I don't know how open your conversations are. Try not to put him on the spot though, it makes things hard to deal with.

    I'm glad your sons friends don't care, I'm glad he has a very supportive mother and should have a supportive father whenever he decides to come out. Congrats to your son for having an awesome family and friends!
     
  5. Unknown5

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    If he's not ready, then don't tell his dad, maybe have a talk with him and tell him that you are sure of that his dad will be accepting, and then probably with some time, he will be ready to come out to his dad.
     
  6. Aldrick

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    I certainly understand the desire to not keep secrets from your husband. In fact, in some ways to someone who hasn't been through it - especially someone who is as accepting as you are - it may seem an almost trivial or silly thing, something that isn't that big of a deal.

    I don't know what your son is feeling at the moment, or his reasons for not wanting his father to know yet. However, seeing as he's only 15 he's likely still coming to terms with being gay himself. He's no doubt struggling to overcome internalized homophobia, social stigmas, and attempting to integrate being gay into his identity. All the while he still has the normal teenage stuff to worry about, which is often more than enough for someone that age. It can be very stressful and difficult.

    My advice is that you speak to your son. Don't pressure him to come out to his father, but instead talk about being gay with him. Show him love and support. He might have a difficult time talking about it, especially if it's something he's struggling with and has yet to fully accept... but by showing him love and support and by giving him opportunities to talk about it will help him grow more comfortable.

    In the midst of one of these conversations, when it feels right, just casually ask him: "When do you think you'll be ready to come out to your Dad?" Listen to what he has to say, and if you're getting some vague answer press him a bit more. "What are you worried about? You don't think he'll accept you?" He may not be able to articulate an answer, which probably means that he's still struggling with things himself.

    After he's explained things to you that's when I'd drop that he's suspected for awhile, and that you both talked about it years ago and agreed to support him if he ever came out. You can flat out tell him that you know for a fact that his dad would be supportive because of the conversations you've had with him BEFORE he came out to you. However, you want to make it clear that you'll respect his wishes until he's ready.

    What you want to emphasize in your conversations with him is that he isn't alone, and that his family - you guys - stand behind him 110%. You want him to know that he can come to you with whatever is going on in his life, and that you and the family will support him.

    To someone who is gay and who is worried how their parents, friends, and family will react this means more than anything words can possibly express.
     
  7. Mariahk

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    Ok so a quick update, Last night my daughter walks in and says that a girl at school asked her if her brother was gay because people at school said he is. My husband was like "well if he is does it matter?' I then went and told my son that his sister sort of outted him to his Dad and asked if I could confirm it. After a few back and forths he said yes So I went and told his Dad. Later when our son came downstairs my husband said "seriously I have known it for years, I probably knew it long before you did." my son laughed. So all ended well. Which I am thankful for. Thanks for the advise. I will probably be back as I will have other questions as time goes on.
     
  8. Aldrick

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    This is great news. However, I'd be keenly focused on what is going down at school. The fact that someone asked his sister if he was gay means that people at school are gossiping about it. This means he's either completely open at school, or one of the people he's told has told someone else who is in turn spreading it around.

    Now, he may not care that this is happening. In fact, he may even want to be 100% out at school. That's perfectly fine, and I don't think he should be discouraged from living openly. After all he has no reason to hide the fact he's gay if he's comfortable being open about it.

    However, we both know how kids can be, and he may or may not run into problems. A lot depends on where you live and the type of school he's going too. I think it would be a good idea to sit down and talk to him about bullying, and what exactly he feels comfortable with people knowing at school - and how he may not be in complete control over who knows what at this point. It is also important that you and your husband stay on top of things, and that he come to you and let you know how the teachers, school administration, and other kids are treating him.

    Depending on how this conversation goes with your son, I think the next best course of action is to go speak to his teachers and the school administration along with your husband. Going together will provide a unified front and send a stronger message. These are the two primary messages you want to relay to the teachers and administration.

    1. You know what is going on. You know your son is gay, and if they don't already know then they should.

    2. You're going to be watching and staying on top of what goes down at that school. You want to know what the school is actively doing to protect students from bullying and other abuse. You expect them to ensure that your son is safe while he is at school.

    When you have parents who are willing to show up, who know what is going on, and expect the teachers and staff to take all necessary actions to keep your son safe... it puts them on alert. You can cause them trouble if they turn a blind eye to anything. It also gives them a heads up, so that they can actually keep their eyes open. If the teachers don't know what is going on then they might be less inclined to even pay attention.

    You may be given an excuse along the lines of your 'son doesn't need to be explicit about his sex life' or some other such nonsense. It's important to know (and be prepared to respond with) being open about being gay has nothing to do with sex. Being gay - just like being straight - is primarily about romantic attraction. Yes, sex is part of that, just like for straight people, but gay people should not have themselves or their relationships defined in sexual terms. It's not only demeaning to gay relationships, it's a way to silence gay people.

    It's also very important that you have these conversations with both your son and your husband. I would even go as far as to include his sister and other siblings as well. They may experience some blow back if things are really bad for your son, but they can also keep their eyes open and ears to the ground on what is going on. For example, let's say your son is exiting the lunch line with his tray, when someone slaps it out of his hands while yelling something awful like: "Faggots deserve to starve to death!" Then everyone laughs.

    He may be unwilling to come home and tell you something like that. First, because it's painful. Second, because as boys we're socialized to be "strong" and not "weak". Admitting that we're being bullied, were shamed or humiliated, and felt horrible by what happened is basically like saying "I'm weak. I couldn't stop them." Obviously, you don't want your son to feel this way, but even more importantly you want to know about something like this if it were to happen. This way you can offer him love and support as well as take action.

    You also want to talk to your other children about how they feel about him being gay. (Ideally, without your son being present, so that his other siblings can talk freely and honestly without hurting his feelings.) With you and your husband talking to them individually and with both of you doing it together, it sends a very strong message. It sends the message that you stand behind your son 100%, and it gives you the opportunity to address any concerns that your other children may have as well as to make it clear that you expect them to support their brother 100% as well. After all, everyone involved is family - and your family sticks together and supports each other no matter what.

    Obviously, you want to talk to your son before you talk to his siblings.

    Another important thing you can do for your son as well as yourself, is to look for LGBT Youth groups in your area. This can be difficult depending on where you live, but if you find a youth group nearby it could prove to be extremely valuable. Not only would it allow your son to meet other people his age who are struggling with the same things he's struggling with; it also will help him lead a more normal teenage life. It opens up the possibility and prospect of him getting his first date, for example. (And reduces the chances he might go online searching for something, and end up lured in by some old creeper.)

    It also gives you the opportunity to meet other parents who are having the same issues as you're having. This is hugely important to both you and your husband, as it'll help provide you both with the emotional support you need moving forward. You're certainly going to face questions and issues along the road you're on, and having another family who is going through the same stuff... it's just huge. Nothing is worse than feeling like you have to face the world alone, with your back to the wall. Knowing that there are other people who not only understand, but are willing to stand behind you and help you face the world - it's something you really can't place a value on.

    Finally, in the near future I'd have your husband talk to your son once more about safe sex if he hasn't already. There is a need to ensure that your son is educated on proper condom usage, and that he should always engage in responsible safe sex.

    These are just some suggestions that I have moving forward. These are some things you and your husband may have already considered, but if not - I think it'll be helpful.

    Best of luck. Please, keep us updated on how things go and don't hesitate to keep posting here. You are a welcomed part of our community. (*hug*)
     
  9. Mariahk

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    ok so I tried discussing some of this with him. Didn't go so well. First he has come out to everyone at school. When I brought up that it is a hard road and I worry about people not being nice. He got very defensive and said everyone is ok with it and what am I saying that I want him to go back in the closet? I said no of coarse not but there are a lot of small minded, homophobic people who can be cruel as well as violent and like all parents I want to protect him from bad things even if it is just talking about it so he is prepared. He got angry and snarky, so I told him I'd leave it alone and won't bring it up again unless he wants to. He stomped off to his room. And I came on here.. I am assuming not all is going as smoothly as he says but that he is not ready to talk about. I hurt knowing he is obviously upset and I hope he will confide in me.

    I'm feeling a little lost today. But I hoping time he will become more comfortable with himself and us knowing and will open up. We used to be very close, and it saddens me to see him pull away like this.
     
  10. Mlpguy88

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    I don't think you are doing anything wrong. I wouldn't be very comfortable talking about it either, but knowing that I could would make me feel a lot better. Just reassure him that you support him and he can always come to you if he needs to.
     
  11. AKTodd

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    When I came out in college at age 21, my mom was one of the first people I told. She also expressed concern about it being a hard road and I pretty much just blew her off (nicely but firmly).

    Just as you as a parent are wanting to be protective, guys (whether 15 or 21) don't want their parents (and perhaps especially their moms) protecting them (or at least don't want to admit it). Whether it be about being gay or much else. Along with being gay, your son is also turning into an adult and is looking to establish his independence, probably in various ways (I'm sure you could tell all sorts of stories:slight_smile: ).

    You might see if your husband could talk to him 'man-to-man' about the situation and if he might be more comfortable with that. Beyond that, I'd agree with the others here that you can only let him know you are always available if he needs you but don't push it.

    Todd
     
  12. Aldrick

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    It's not surprising that he acted that way. You're not doing anything wrong.

    I think it's important to understand that he still may be uncomfortable discussing things with you. He's likely known he's gay for some time, or at least suspected. During this time he's built up a story in his mind about how things will go between him and you guys. Most likely, that's a highly negative story.

    Also, when you're discussing something that you've struggled to keep buried and a secret for so long, especially with someone who you care about deeply and worry may judge you... it's easy to start the discussion in a defensive crouch. When you start a discussion from that position, it's easy to start reading into peoples words intentions that aren't there (because of the story you've built up in your head).

    So, basically as you were talking your son was probably hearing this: "My mother is ashamed of me. She wants me to go back into the closet. I knew she'd hate me. I should have never said anything then none of this would have happened."

    Of course, this isn't what you were saying, or what you meant. However, you're touching his fears and insecurities. So when he snaps back at you like that, it has nothing to do with you - it's about him. What you want to do to respond to that is first of all, don't fall into a defensive position yourself. That just leads to an argument. (This can be very hard not to do, but it's important to avoid it if you can.)

    Listen to what he is saying, because whether he knows it or not he's revealing himself to you in that moment. He's saying, "Mom, this is what I'm afraid of... this is what is frightening me. I'm worried that you won't accept me, that you won't be proud of me, and that you'll be ashamed that you have a gay son."

    So, as you listen he's going to reveal what he's feeling. Take a deep breath, and don't try to defend yourself - because this has to do with his fears, and nothing to do with you. Instead, focus on those fears and concerns that you're hearing from him. "I'm sorry if that's the way it sounded, because the truth of the matter is I want you to be as open as you feel comfortable with being. I want to be there with you, at your side, and I want to make sure that everyone at the school treats you fairly and with the respect you deserve."

    If he stomps off - let him. Give him some time alone, about ten to fifteen minutes or so is about right. That's enough time for his adrenaline to calm down, and for him to gain a bit of perspective. Then I'd attempt to speak to him again. Once more, I'd start with some type of apology, "I'm sorry that I upset you earlier. Can I come in and finish the conversation with you?"

    I think a couple of things are important to remember. First, it takes two people to have an argument. No one can argue with you unless you let them; you have to willingly engage in it for it to take place. Keep in mind your goal in having the conversation, apologizing swiftly, and then attempting to steer the conversation back to where you want it is generally a good maneuver. (But one that is easier said than done, as it is easy to get upset / offended / hurt ourselves...) Second, your son is not made of glass. He's a resilient young man, and you shouldn't feel 'lost' or like you're 'walking on egg shells.'

    When it comes to being his mother, I suggest following your instincts. You know your son better than anyone else. Sure, there may be times you'll look back and regret certain things, or with 20/20 hindsight would have done them differently. But you can't drive by looking in the rear view mirror. You can only do the best you can, at the time the problem falls into your lap, and if you feel you've made a mistake attempt to learn from it.

    Finally, since he's told you he's out to everyone at school... well, I've already given my advice in that area. This is something you need to discuss with your husband, so that you both together can decide the best path forward. Hopefully, you know the area, you know the teachers, and you know the school administration. This will hopefully give you some guide on how things may go down as more and more people find out that your son is gay.

    Also, don't forget his siblings. It's already gotten around to his sister, if he has other siblings it will likely eventually get around to them as well.

    Everything will turn out fine, Mariahk. I promise. Many, many, many people here would kill to have a supportive mother like you. Your son is incredibly lucky. He may not realize it yet, but he is. (*hug*)