Confusing - and would like to see if anyone feels the same

Hi, I am new to posting but have read others' stories on this forum and wanted to add my story, to see if it chimes with others. It's a good thing to talk

I am 26 years old (girl) and growing up I was fairly boy crazy. Crushes, obsessions, attractions, sexual fantasies, totally turned on when I did get round to kisses and all that jazz. And yet. I did have a deep connection with the girls around me. And I remember really finding this photo of Mariah Carey attractive (this was the 90s!) But I guess I thought it was just who I wanted to be when I grew up, sort of thing. I had some insecurities about my figure and thought it was connected to that. Looking back, I see some of the intense jealousies I felt around "pretty girls" as masking something else, but I wasnt attracted to the idea of being with a girl and so didnt really think about it.

When I was around 17 and dating my first serious (ish) boyfriend, I had my first thought that I could swing for the other side. Sex with him was actually pretty rubbish and I remember thinking, man I used to be so into the idea of sex, in reality it's not that good. But again, I still had some crushes on guys around me - not as intense as before, but still - and I just didnt really think about it. And with the next couple boyfriends, I did enjoy sex and so it faded into the background.

The real story started when I was 18/19 and went to uni. I didnt really fancy any of the guys in my first term - and found myself noticing girls beig beautiful more. Nonetheless, I started dating this guy and very quickly became very attached - falling in love and yes, enjoying the physcial stuff a lot - but shortly thereafter, a lightbulb went off in my ehad and I was like, what if I'm gay?

This contradicted my idea of myself and I did have strong feelings for my boyfriend and so I stayed with him for 4 years. I wasn't actually that attracted to him, but it was a love and I always enjoyed sex anyway. I was pretty depressed and confused about my growing (albeit fluctuating) desires for women, but it was especially wierd because every few months I would meet a guy (outside of the relationship) and develop a huge crush on them. But eventually me and this guy broke up because I couldnt take the questioning anymore and needed to discover for myself who I was.

The last few years have been spent oscillating between men and women. I will date a man until the anxiety will grow, that I know I cannot really be with them - despite growing passion (including good sex) and love. I will find myself getting like a horn dog, looking at women all the time, including friends, and getting turned on. It will depress me, just like it did the first long relationship and I really feel "closeted." But then. I will date a woman for a while - beautiful, funny, great women - and will really enjoy sex the first few times. But after a while, it feels like I am really really faking it, on both the emotional and the physical side. Like going through the motions. And I will become more generally bi or straight focused when I am walking down the street and sooner or later I will develop a crush on some guy or another that is so much more powerful than what I have had with the woman and the relationship dissolves. And the cycle continues.

Basically, wtf?! I basically think that there is just a internalised-homophobia block that is inhibiting me from letting my love through with women. But I wanted to know if anyone else had had this experience?

Thanks for listening. I would very much like to hear from people. It has felt good to write this all out, probably for the first time ever

---------- Post added 1st May 2013 at 01:02 PM ----------

I should also say, in general, I find women to be more physically sexy. Looking at a woman turns me on more than looking at a man...although, I do like the peen. It's confusing!