I posted this elsewhere, but would love feedback on my friend. My dearest friend is deeply religious. I have known her for a very long time, and she's always been single. Many people through the years were quite sure she was gay. It was the talk of the town for years. She's 50 years old, never married, no kids. She's content in her life. My inner feelings are starting to get stronger, both for her, and for the questioning of my sexuality. We are quite close friends, we have no problem holding hands, occasional cuddling, or, if on a trip out of town for the weekend, no problem sleeping in the same bed. I think she likes the cuddling, but at the same time is uneasy about it... saying things like "if you tell anyone I'll have to kill ya." I know how I feel about her, and I feel like she feels the same way about me, but neither of us will say it. There have been times she's gone overboard in talking about how wrong the gay lifestyle is in relation to her religion, her God, the Bible, whatever. She's brought it up often enough that it makes me feel like perhaps she's doing the same thing I am....questioning a straight lifestyle. She's overcompensating her beliefs....trying to talk herself out of it. That's what I think. Wondering if anyone else agrees. I mean, I've always kissed my dear friends on the cheek. She even overcompensates by saying she will never kiss a woman, period. It's as if she's trying to be straight when she really might not be. My love for her is strong, and I'm so happy when I'm with her. If she really feels the same way I do, I wish one of us had the nerve to say it to the other. But I don't mind just continuing our close friendship....close emotionally, and at times physically too. Definitely NOTHING sexual, heck, like I said, she won't even kiss me on the cheek. She never ever has. I kiss her cheek often, though, but I've been that way with friends anyway. So when I say close physically, I simply mean lots of hugs, holding hands, cuddling.... I am just curious if anyone else gets the same vibe. The anti gay/religion talk that gets obsessive, and the fact that she absolutely will NOT kiss a woman ever, even on the cheek. Feels like she's fighting herself. I know I'm fighting myself too.... If I were to ever come true about what I believe my feelings are, she would be the first I'd tell. She's SO far anti-gay, because of the Bible, it's a sin, blah blah... but she actually brings it up so often I think she's trying to convince herself...
Common occurance. "I think he doth protest too much." To repress feelings that scare them homophobia is the easiest route.
What skiff said, I have been attracted to a friend of mine and almost think they could be gay after they made some homophobia comments, this doesn't mean they are or your friend is but you will know them better than you can put them into words. You could just keep being there for them, but they may never admit to having any feelings towards you even if you think there are, the fear of the being gay could be too much for them.
Thank you for the input. I'm really very new about talking about feelings such as this in myself...I've kept quiet for decades... so I'm fairly naiive as well. ---------- Post added 4th May 2013 at 01:32 PM ---------- another example that makes me feel this way.... we were sitting on the couch together recently, watching a movie. She came over by me and put her head on my shoulder. I rested mine on hers. Then she was going to take my hand....our hands brushed together, and she pulled away. Then immediately she got up and said lets go for a ride. Like she felt really close to me at that moment, but wouldn't let herself continue. Do you talk to someone like this or just let things go the way they are? The gay lifestyle is a sin to her...but I really feel like she is, but just repressing the feelings because it's "not right." Liz
Yes, and this is because of a phenomenon called "reaction formation." The closeted queer, in an attempt to hide his sexuality from a hostile outside world, perpetuates heterosexism in the hope it causes others not to suspect he is in fact homosexual or multisexual. I used to be moderately heterosexist, but I quickly dropped that when I realized that everybody already knew I was queer (before I did in fact) and because it was in conflict with my humanistic principles.
Thank you for the feedback. I secretly hoped you all would say what you did. There have been times she's taken my hand, only to let go quickly, I cuddle with her often, but once, recently, she initiated it, but didn't last long. There are just things that really made me think she feels differently than she lets on, she just won't let herself admit it. I love feeling close to her....
This is for men. In the 90s, the University of Georgia did a test where they showed gay, lesbian, and straight porn to a group of men and then measured how much bloodflow their penis received. It was revealed that those who were (self-labeled) straight and homophobic (based on questionnaire answers on culture and upbringing done beforehand) were aroused at gay porn at a much higher rate than those who were (self-labeled) straight and non-homophobic (based on the same aforementioned questionnaire). Some will argue that the stress of not liking gays caused the increase in bloodflow and others will argue that a sizable portion homophobes are latent homosexuals. Regardless, future studies did continue to show the same link. I'm not aware of studies for females, but the same could be the case. This doesn't mean, however, that most or all homophobes are themselves gay. Is homophobia associated with homosexual ar... [J Abnorm Psychol. 1996] - PubMed - NCBI
absolutely yes. Think about how some of the biggest anti-gay religious turn out to be having boyfriends on the side, or going into mens rooms stalls and signalling with their wide stances, etc. It's almost like you know someone is a self-denying closeted gay if they are vocally anti-gay. Which is interesting that so many in the religious right seem absolutely obsessed with gays and gay sex. I mean why else would you care about that stuff unless you're doing it to convince yourself that you're not gay?
Unless she acts on her feelings I don’t think she could be considered gay and with her religious beliefs I wouldn't want to change her. I do agree under all the bible talk she is most likely gay. My late gay brother growing up was one of the worst gay Bashers I ever met.
Yep.... Before I had any clue that I was gay (middle school), I was quite the anti-gay conservative Christian.... But I left the church because I felt being anti-gay was wrong. I guess I always had an inkling that I was gay
Thanks for the replies. No, I certainly wouldn't want to change her, or persuade her to act on the feelings I do think she might have. I know I have not EVER acted on my feelings I try to keep buried deep, but at my age, and knowing I've felt this way most of my life, I'm feeling tired of the feeling that something is missing. The love and affection of a woman is what I really want more than anything. I don't know what MAKES you gay....(as far as her not being gay unless she acts on any feelings). I mean, any chance to touch a woman and I'm there. I love hugs, and get so many per day. I love the closeness. I hug men too, no problem... I have a couple friends whom I cuddle with...I initiated it with one, and with the other, she initiated it. Lots of hugs, kisses on the cheek, and "I love you's," I'm just very affectionate that way. I kiss people on teh cheek without even thinking about it...I probably ought to watch myself, I could offend someone. But oftentimes, I don't do it unless they do first. I feel attractions to some women, yes. Sexual, no, not that I really can feel...but the safest place I feel is in the arms of a couple of my women friends. I know how I feel, but I also know I'm not ready to make any kind of leap....I even have a close cousin who is a lesbian... she came out after she reached adulthood. We've always been quite close. And I envy her. She came out, she's living life without any secrets, or regret, and as close as we've been, I can't even bring myself to talk to HER about it. I don't think I ever could. Ugh. I wish I could just feel straight. I'm living straight...but I'm also living a lie.
I would say your friend may well be gay. The religious talk of the lifestyle being wrong is a deeply held belief by many. And whether or not the person in question is gay or not would be of no relevance. The belief is God loves sinners but hates sin, therefore being gay is not a sin, living the gay lifestyle is. I'm not trying to ruffle feathers, just providing an explanation.
