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24 - trying to find out who I am

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by octoberman22, May 5, 2013.

  1. octoberman22

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    Hey guys,

    I am 24 years old and I've questioned for a few years what my true sexual identity is. A little background...

    I have a girlfriend of 2 years who I love (we have sex, I'm aroused by her etc.) but I have known also that I am attracted to men. I dont want to be that guy who continually gets older and then comes out when he's 50... but I'm not sure if there will ever be a true revelation for me.

    Maybe it's because im in denial but I find it hard for me to see myself with a man longterm. Sexually, I've never been with a guy so I can't compare the two but I know there is an attraction there. I notice men in public (as well as women...) so I feel a little lost. Am I just in major denial about who I am or am I bisexual?

    Any input by someone who is going through the same thing would be great.
     
  2. Foxface

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    Hey I can actually add to this conversation

    I am a 33/m/bi who just recently came out. I've actually been married for 10 years and have only had minor experiences with a guy. For a long time I found myself attracted and aroused by men and didn't quite get it.

    I guess in my little bit of experience I would say that you sound as if you could be bisexual but then you are the only one who can decide that. The most important thing is to be comfortable with who you are.

    If you are bi and content so be it. Or maybe this is just passing desires that don't mean a lot to you. I wish I could tell you

    but you are who you are. Take some time and think on it. What does your gut say?

    Foxface
     
  3. octoberman22

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    thx for the reply. What sort of situation are you in now? Why did you decide to come out etc?

    What was going through your head when you were 24? Your situation sounds similar to mine.
     
  4. Foxface

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    I came out because I did not wan to hide the real me. I am still happily married to a female bi so no friction. It makes scoping out guys and girls fun

    At age 24 I was in the Air Force. I knew I was different but hadn't come to terms with what I was and of course at that time I would have been kicked out were I openly bi or gay. 24 is a weird time in life. You are past the teens years and emerging as an adult so you are already going brought social changes not to mention trying to figure out sexuality.

    You're gonna be fine I think. Feel free to message me if you ever need to

    Foxface
     
  5. Sabinian

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    I'm really new to all of this too. I'm just acknowledging my own loooong held same-sex attractions. I'm a little younger than you and I just broke of a relationship that had lasted about a year. That said, I knew I never really loved the girl and wasn't attracted to her. I was just dealing with the relationship as a way to deny to have a traditional family and deny the fact that I'm gay to myself. I couldn't see myself having a long term relationship with a man either. I'm coming around to the idea now.

    If you are genuinely attracted to your girlfriend and love her then we probably aren't in the same situation. In my completely amateurish opinion it sounds like you may be bisexual. I second foxface's question though. What does your gut say?
     
  6. octoberman22

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    I think the problem for me is that there is no clear answer... but then again, I know that's the case for many people. It's not the type of thing we're Ive always known I was gay, which makes it tough for me.

    How would my life change if I did end up coming out? Would everything all of a sudden change and I would feel at peace?
     
  7. walker

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    I have been trying understand my sexuality for a couple of years now. I always knew I was different, but didn't figure out I was gay until I was about 17. Now I'm 22 and still not out, I'm comfortable with the fact that I am gay, but still trying to understand what coming out is going to mean/how it is going to change my life. I also wish there were clear cut answers to these things, I just don't want to live my life regretting things I had done, or not done. I'd say if you truly feel that acting on your attraction to men will enrich your life, if you feel that it's something that you have to do, than you should.
     
  8. alex408

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    Is it really something you question or just something you aren't ready to accept about yourself? As you'll read later (in your own words actually) you'll see this isn't something you question but something you know to be fact. I think its important to be honest with ourselves, for that is the only way to truly understand our whole self and ultimately be happy and share that with the person we want to share our lives with.

    I would like for you to know that you aren't alone and that I think we have all been where you are at some point or another in our lives and that we understand you completely.

    Suddenly, we go from "questioning" to having "Known" that you are attracted to men. You say you have a girlfriend who you love and that you are sexually satisfied by her which is great. My question that is why would you want to disturb that, why would anybody want to disturb that? This would be the time to think (long and hard) about what Relationships mean to you and what value you place on the different elements of those relationships (honesty, intimacy, companionship, moral ethics and values, to name a few). All of these things take time for some a lifetime to figure out. But the important thing here to keep in mind is that when you begin to be honest with yourself you won't be so confused about what you want or need as a human being. I would say the sooner the better because if you don't you will turn into what you fear, as you clearly state next. (with a 100% certainty) Which is:

    At some point you need to make adjustments to your language. Here you are "questioning" again by the use of the word Maybe. And then there is the issue of comparing what it might be like to have a sexual encounter with a man. Let's assume you did and when you did the guy you had sex with was the worst kisser, he didn't know how to give a good bj, or whatever and now you want your now ex-girlfriend back? Would it have been worth it? Or lets assume the opposite that the sex was great and he gave you the best bj. Would it have been worth loosing your current girlfriend who maybe isn't the best in bed but with a little open and honest communication from you would fix the whole thing? You decide for yourself.


    This should be less about sexual identity and more about the VALUE you place on relationships and weather or not you are meeting your partner half way or not.


    How you proceed is entirely up to you. What do you think about any of what I have mentioned? Let me know.


    -Alex
     
  9. octoberman22

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    Alex,

    You made very good insights into what I said. From a relationship standpoint, I love my girlfriend and I am attracted to her and that's fact. The reason I chose questioning originally is because I'm generally confused about what's going on inside my head.

    I guess for me it's hard to know when I would truly find myself being honest with everyone. If I suddenly told all the people in my life that I had an attraction to men, would everything become much easier and clearer? Probably not. There is no state of denial in my head but general confusion. I'm not trying to be someone I'm not but I think the problem is I genuinely don't know my sexual identity, and maybe I never will.

    I am being honest with myself but it's hard to pinpoint my true feelings because I Dont have much desire to kiss a man and spend my life with one but perhaps that is me not accepting the idea of it.
     
  10. alex408

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    Hey Octoberman22,

    I don't think anybody can tell you what goes on in your head. But I will say this. Life is not complicated. We complicate life. I'd like to ask you a series of questions before I give you my personal honest opinion of what it is you are going through.

    Perhaps by answering some of these questions you could get closer to being less confused and more sure of who you are. You may or may not know the answer to some of these questions but if you don't, consider this a homework assignment for you.

    1. Of the sexual orientation labels out there Straight, Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender (SLGBT) which do you think you might fall into?

    At its most basic level. We are all sexually diverse creatures and there is not one word out there the could possibly describe somebody entirely. None of us can tell you what group, if any, that you might belong to. But it does aid us in trying to understand who we are.

    2. Can you be more specific as to the nature of the attraction you have toward other men?

    You have mentioned quite a bit that you have an "attraction" to men. It is possible for another straight man to love another man without being LGBT. But you have also said you have no desire to kiss another man. So it helps to know what kind of attraction you are talking about. Emotional? Sexual?

    I'll leave it here for now....

    -Alex
     
  11. Denial Or What

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    I was glad to come across a thread like this one. I've struggled with my sexuality since I was about 13 or 14. I've spoken with a handful of people about it, but they always assured me that I was straight. I believed them.
    I'm 25 now, just recently turned 25, and for the past couple of years I have wondered more and more frequently.
    I don't know what to do or think. I've found myself sexually attracted to men before, but usually I just bury those feelings and ignore them. I have nothing against LGBT people, but I never saw it as a lifestyle for me. I think that's due in large part to where I grew up and where I live. Usually when people think of small towns, they think of a town of about 10,000 people. I grew up in a town of less than 100. My graduating class was 45 people. Everyone was pretty damn southern, country, hick, redneck, etc. Well, not everyone, but most. Basically being gay or a lesbian (or even black, unfortunately) wasn't just frowned upon, it incited anger.
    Needless to say I did well to ignore anything I ever felt. I succeeded for a long time, but more and more frequently I have been having these feelings. I am still afraid to admit to even myself that I may actually be attracted to men, but that fear is mainly because I don't know what my family or friends will think.
    I don't even know if I really AM gay/bi or what. I AM attracted to women, that goes without saying. But I may also be attracted to men.
    I'm actually pretty sure I am, I am just afraid of admitting the truth to myself because I will inevitably have to admit the truth to my family and friends.
     
  12. EddyG

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    54 year old guy who just came out 8 weeks ago to my wife. I met my wife when I was your age. I loved her and we had sex and it was great, we ended up marrying and having kids. But I knew I was attracted to guys, I only fantasized about guys, never about women. In retrospect -- although I love my kids and wouldn't not want them -- I wish I'd been more honest with myself at that age, although it was a very different time. I'd actually also had sex with guys so knew what I liked. But I convinced myself it would all be okay since it seemed fine then. Things were fine until about 15 years ago but life gets real complicated, I told myself I could tough it out forever, turns out I couldn't. Fast forward and here I am.

    Based on experience I'd say look within yourself and be brutally honest, and if in fact you think you're attracted overwhelmingly or solely to men, except for your current girlfriend, you might save yourself a lot of heartache and regrets down the road by admitting that now, hard as it might be.

    You might at a minimum have this discussion with your girlfriend.
     
  13. octoberman22

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    Some great responses here. Since EddyG was in a similar situation to me, it's good to hear his opinion. However, I've never had a sexual encounter with a male so I can't compare. If I'm being brutally honest with myself, I know I have some type of attraction to males but I dont think I could say soley. I'm also attracted to other women.

    Could an identified gay male answer this questions: how often when you were coming to terms with your sexuality did you truly believe you were interested in women as well? Do most true gay males really not see much at all when it comes to a naked woman and being with them.

    Alex, I think i would have to identify as bisexual at the moment because I know both attraction are there at the moment. The nature of my attraction to men has some fantasy element to it in terms of sex, but rarely do I ever "crush" on a guy and feel those types of feeling etc. But i realize that could be due to my current situation of trying to figure everything out.
     
  14. EddyG

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    I can answer that. I never found naked women sexually attractive, was never turned on by naked women, never fantasized. Not once. Only men. I know it's hard to understand because I did have sex with my wife for all those years, but I think it was the relationship between us that made that possible, she was not a generic female body but a particular one. And even when we were having sex, when I jo'd I never fantasized about her, only about guys. So based on the fact that I only fantasize about guys, I know that I'm not bi but gay.

    If I'd thought about that when I was 24 and realized what that actually meant, and hadn't felt the need to hide that fact, to try to live the straight life, I wouldn't be where I am today.
     
  15. alex408

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    octoberman22,

    On Being Gay:

    Being a gay man myself. I share some similarities with EddyG. I have never found naked woman sexually attractive, was never turned on by naked women and never fantasized about women. I did however, find sexually attractive in every way. It was that simple for me. I like many other gay men, had much pressure from family and society to live the straight life. There was plenty of opportunity for me as a straight man. Women were available and willing to be in a relationship with me. What I was risking, had I done that, was my ultimate happiness. And this was something I just wasn't willing to risk that no matter what the cost. I couldn't live with myself if I lied to a woman knowing that I was really gay. That wouldn't be fair to her or myself.

    Enough about me.

    On Possibly Being Bisexual:

    If it turns out that you are in fact bisexual. My only advice to you is that you be very clear about what your needs are as an individual and to embrace your differences. Equally important is to, again, define the type of relationship you want to have with your partner. Because if you continue to get involved with other people and you still haven't accepted yourself as a Bi-Curious person, at least, you will hurt yourself more and more not to mention your partner. I too agree with EddyG that you should mention some of this to your girlfriend. Even if you know she will reject you for it. By doing that, you can still be respected for telling her the truth.

    On Coming Out:

    Coming out is a Rite of Passage for LGBT people and should be something that is celebrated. What you will receive for doing it is a beautiful thing. Don't be afraid of who you are.


    -Alex
     
  16. EddyG

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    On this point you guys are so lucky -- back in 1983 there was no internet, no information, I didn't know any of this stuff. Yeah I was attracted to guys, but then I met my girlfriend (now-wife) and fell for her, really loved her, had sex with her, which I told myself meant there's no way I could be just gay, I must be bi.

    That's what I thought, and there was no way for me to get any information that would tell me otherwise (though now it seems common sense), places like this just didn't exist. If they had, I probably would have made a different decision, at a minimum telling my girlfriend about my attractions. If it were now I'd know that in fact I was gay even if I did fall in love with a woman and had good sex with her, and if I'd come across some 54 year old guy posting what I'd posted, maybe I'd have made a different decision.
     
  17. Candace

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    I'd say you should find out soon before the talk of wanting to raise a family becomes an issue of discussion. That's where I'd draw the line and the point where I wouldn't be quiet/keep a secret anymore. And besides..it's not like you're cheating on her or committed a crime here. She'll still be your friend (most likely) afterwards. Best of luck, bro.
     
  18. finallyme

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    I would like to add one more perspective - similar to EddyG's but different. I am that 50 year old man in your first post. I got married. Had children. Unlike Eddy I did look at straight porn, I fantasized about naked women and I had sex with my wife and I liked it. If I had known I was gay I wouldn't have prolonged the marriage. Denial can be so deep in us that we can go through life and never ever understand ourselves. I am living proof. I want to echo how fortunate it is that this site exist and that there is some forum for this. I might have found it in my thirties when I started really searching out gay porn. I also want to stress I might not have as well. Even while looking at men, while going to male massage places I was able to convince my self I WAS NOT GAY. This kind of denial - that only a therapist could unravel after a year - is a deep seated homophobia and it looks like you don't have anything like it. I just want to say you are so much further along than me, so much more self aware that I wouldn't worry about it. Therapy is a great place to work through these issues. Also talking to a trusted friend and finally getting up the courage to talk to your girl friend if you plan on staying in the relationship is a must. Good luck.
     
  19. EddyG

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    Just to clarify, I had sex with my life and really liked it! That's why I thought I must be bi not gay.
     
  20. Tokgay

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    I might be able to help out here. I'm out to only a few people, so I've started to admit it to the world. I've never had dreams about girls, or felt aroused by girls when I see them online or just walking past me. I can see a beautiful girl and think, wow she looks great, but not feel anything in the way of 'desire'.

    I dated a girl once, because I liked her, and hoped that meant I was actually straight. The date went fine, but we both said we didn't have the space in our lives at that moment to make it serious. Later I realized that was a lie, and I didn't want it to get serious.

    I've never had romantic thoughts about either guys/girls, so I'm afraid I can't help you there, but I have the distinct feeling this is because it is socially unacceptable to a level that it has become weird in my head as well. When I meet the right guy I'm pretty sure it won't matter. :icon_wink

    Hope this helps! And just analyse your thoughts, no rush, just take your time, and you will find out. :thumbsup: