I don't know how to come out to my best friend.. HELP!!

Hi there!

I just came out this past weekend after years of being in the closet, so take my "advice" for what it's worth.

First of all, remember that coming out is a process and you've got to be sure you're ready for it. It rightfully merits many nights of contemplation, organizing and, I believe, writing down what's going.

You need to be sure that you've come out to and accepted yourself. To the point where you know things are the way they are and are, have always been the way they are and are most likely never going to change. You need to be honest with yourself. It sounds as though you have identified yourself as bisexual meaning that you feel real degrees of sexual attraction to men as well as women.

If you feel confident that this prognosis correctly identifies who you are and who you would be as a totally honest and open person, then you are ready to proceed to the next step.

The process of doing the actual deed comes much quicker after you get past the self definition and acceptance phase. Pretty soon you begin, as you are now, looking to do what you know is right- to start to live as an honest person now that your naivety has been dispelled. You know you are not straight and will never be. You have the choice to live a life of constant lies and missed opportunities like true love, companionship and self-expression, or you have the choice to pursue coming out as the person you have recently and finally identified yourself as.

Here's what I would do... I would try and come out to someone other than this individual that you are worried about losing first. I would come out to someone that you would obviously be comfortable with, but wouldn't necessarily be in the closet contact with your friend. Maybe a trusted parent, sibling or cousin? This way, it will separate two highly emotional events for you and make them more manageable for you to deal with. Go through your coming out as it's own thing rather than making it the package bombshell that you are proposing. For one thing (if anything) it is 100% true that coming out becomes so much easier after you do it just one time.

Once you have come out to someone else, take some time to re-evaluate what you want to do in regards to your close friend. I understand that you like her as more than just a friend, perhaps in a romantic way, and you're not sure that she feels the same way about you. The question is whether you coming out to her would automatically lead to her assuming that you are attracted to her. Again, I think you should try to separate these two issues. In fact, you definitely should. This is very shaggy advice and I am no therapist, but only telling you what I might do in your situation...

Coming out to her 1 on 1 in a very emotional way might flip the switch in her head that you are attracted to her since you seem to have a very blatant touchy-feely-in-public relationship. Especially if others tend to comment on it. So unless you are banking that she is going to reciprocate your feelings and come out to you too (which I don't know that you should gable on... though it would be nice if it happened!) I would do it differently. Come out in a less personal way with her to play it safe. Bring in some more friends and do it to a bit larger group to make it clear that this is first and foremost about you and not necessarily about you having a secret gay crush on your best friend. Maybe leading up to your planned coming out, try to be a bit less flirty with your friend and try to steer things more serious and about YOU and your life as opposed to your close relationship to take some of the focus off.

Once you figure out a way to come out to her in a non-awkward way that immediately makes her think that you are professing your love to her, take some more time to see how things unfold. If she is repulsed by it and you haven't done anything to make her uncomfortable like profess your love or get fresh or something, then she might not be the friend you think she is an it might be time to move on. If she miraculously comes out back to you and reciprocates your feelings then you are golden!

If she's confused and a little awkward, which is probably what will happen, then you need to be respectful of her. It is no longer about you at this point and you need to take an additional step of acceptance if you wish to keep her as a friend. Accept that 1. She is not a lesbian or bisexual for the time being and that you (as an openly bisexual woman) need to respect that and change the way you treat that person who will now be dealing with someone they know is attracted to the same sex. Now that you are out, cuddle time might be inappropriate for a while even though it was just the day before. You need to give her the time to process, make decisions and move the ball. Maybe she will come out a few months later. Maybe she won't and you know that you will never get anything more than a platonic relationship out of her.

So personally, yeah, I don't think it's necessary to couple professing your love for the girl with your coming out when the latter is such a crazy and emotional experience to begin with. Just worry about coming out first and then cautiously and slowly work on the crush issue after the dust settles and both you and she have the opportunity to settle back into your new life-style. Doing it all in at once in such a dramatic fashion is very uncomfortable for both sides, and even though it seems like something you yearn and want to tell her so bad, it is something that can wait at least for a while and would be ultimately the most respectful thing for her in such a turbulent situation.