I previously posted about how I've accepted myself. I really have, and it feels great. But. There's always a but. I'm so afraid still. So horribly afraid.
I am too. I know I am gay without a doubt but I have then never ending fear of other people knowing. Someone on this forums suggested to me in one of my threads that there is a difference between accepting yourself and truly excepting yourself. To me that hit the nail on the head as I have accepted myself in the sense that I know I am certainly gay, but I have not accepted myself in the sense that I am ok with it. Perhaps there is some internal homophobia within my own head I am not really sure, But I fear if I tell anyone I will loose everyone. If that makes sense... Anyway right there with you.
For me there is definitely still an element of fear, mainly because it's hard to predict how others will react to the news, but as I come out to more and more people the intensity diminishes.
That fear is totally normal. Even after you're through the five stages. You're acknowledging you're different and your life won't be quite the same as someone who's straight, and... you know that for some people you meet, your being gay will be a problem. So I think all of us have some fear of the unknown, particularly when we know there can be some downsides to it. The flip side, though, is that the longer you're out, the more comfortable you become, and the less you even really think about it. It's just part of who you are. I think you might be surprised, in a year or two, at how much of a non-issue it is for you .
Hi, You are terrified by what you might lose...? Are you saying what you have tangibly lost by living a lie doesn't bother you? Make a list of the IMPOSSIBLE things you cannot have in the closet. As the the old saying goes regarding imagined and tangible; Paraphrased; Imagine into one hand and crap into the other and see which fills first. A lot of very good things are lost when you enter the closet.
Or just be "out". I had relatively the same fear/anxiety when I accepted that I was gay, but was still in the closet. Went away in a week after I came out though, since I don't feel like I need to hide myself anymore, or rather, I want to be "out" as much as possible to "put myself on the market" so to say.
Just be out as in seeking a relationship. Once achieved, that is the end knowing yourself and the beginning of knowing someone else (who will simply be of the same gender as you).
Homophobia is nothing more but denial of our own sexuality. I used to live in fear, thinking about how my friends would react, what would they say and what would they think about me being with another guy. BUT, after some sessions with a psychotherapist (Yes, I had to get some help cause I was not enjoying my life), I realized that, It was only my fear and that I should´t think for others. I started to come out, first to my friends and they were really supportive. Then to my sister and finally to my mom. They all knew I was gay but I was the only one not accepting myself. After coming out and, precisely, After telling my mom, Everything changed. So, it is all about acceptance. Truly accepting yourself and know that, no matter what people say, as long as you feel well and happy for what you do and what you are, nothing really matters. Regards, Samael.
