I've been almost compulsively "testing the waters" with my mom. I came out to her a bisexual, and she pretty much dismissed it as a phase (by saying that I'm just such a loving person that I'm mistaking friendly affection for something more, and that 5 years from now I'll agree with her). She notably never rescinded any foul things she said about LGBTQ folks. I gave her a few weeks to sit on it. Then I stuck out a toe to see if any of her homophobia has subsided, and to see what kind of luck I'm likely to have if I come out to her a trans. I watched this wonderful episode of Arthur in her presence. Her reaction (said with as much disgust as she could muster): "They're introducing kids to these lifestyles so they'll grow up thinking it's okay. They're doing it young, too." I asked her why she sounded so disgusted. She said, "You know how I feel about these things. That hasn't changed." I'm standing there thinking, "Well, crap." But she did say that she'll respect that I think differently than she does. Now, as I see it, she pretty much just flat out said she won't truly accept me as trans. If her beliefs still hold, she thinks that everybody is straight deep down inside, and they choose to have gay sex because they're confused. She also thinks that trans people are gays who want to trick straights into having sex, and that they're nasty and should be ashamed of themselves. So, on one level, that makes me want to come out to her. Because, after all, she said she'd respect me, right? But then again, that doesn't mean much. It certainly doesn't mean she won't make homophobic statements to my face (which hurt like hell every time). I have trouble deciphering what respect even means to her. But it has a positive connotation, yeah? On another level, it makes me never want to come out to her (or to wait a really, really long time), because she'll never accept me for who I am. She'll never stand behind me, never help me transition... none of that. She'll just think (and probably say) how messed up, confused, and disgusting I am. I just wish I was as good at ignoring the situation as she is. She does an amazing job at pretending everything is wonderful and that nothing has changed. I, however, can hardly stand to be around her, because every time I see her I just see a mass of hate and bigotry. I sort of really needed to get that out.
Hey, I'm sorry for what your mom says, I know it's very hurtful when someone says such things in front of you. You feel hurt but you can't defend yourself because that would expose you. I recently saw a movie called For the bible tells me so, in which they say that people who hate, discriminate, or treat differently LGBT's, are just afraid of us. So in your case I think telling your mom "Hey, I'm still me, I still love you, I'm not tricking anyone, nor am I confused, you just know a little bit more about me." And I think she will learn to accept you. Many people I've come out to have told me that they weren't all accepting of LGBT's before I told them. So I think it's just a matter of ignorance. Hope things turn out ok with you two! Hugs!
Your mom has limited your relationship with her and what you can share based on what she needs you to be rather than loving you for who you are. I wouldn't tell her. She Is just going to tell you….."you are confused" and after you were so brave in sharing with her that is going to really hurt. Or just tell her and let her sort it out but don't expect it to be easy. Its not just telling her it is her having to change. I would be prepared for your mom to try to get you to see a psychologist. ---------- Post added 7th May 2013 at 07:36 PM ---------- When I didn't get along with my mother from her actions she had us see a psychologist when she had to change we never went back.
Arthur was searching for a superhero he could dress up as for a comic book convention. Buster was suggesting different heroes. When he suggested a female one, Arthur said he couldn't dress up as a girl. Buster said "That's a sort of narrow minded, don't you think?" As an update, I came out to her. I didn't plan on doing so, it sort of just... happened. I was talking about how I felt like she didn't approve of me as a person (because my orientation is a part of me I didn't choose and can't change). It was helpful for clarifying her position on things. Apparently her views aren't as extreme as they once were (meaning she doesn't think that all gay people are dishonest and slutty). But she feels justified in considering my "lifestyle" wrong because I'm choosing it (to her, being gay or straight is referring to who you're having sex with, and it's a simple matter to choose opposite sex partners). So, she didn't see any of her homophobic remarks as a sign that she didn't accept me, because at any point I can align myself to her views. She reassured me that she loved me, though, and I fought the compulsion to tell her I'm trans a few times. Then it just slipped out, really. She asked some clarifying questions. My being trans explained a lot of my depression over the years, so that lent me some credibility. It was of course, hard for her to understand (she was shocked and amazed that I could want facial hair). She slept on it, and told me this morning to wait to transition, because what if I change how I feel? And after all, what does a man feel like? I'm not one, so I can't know. Right? (Wrong. But I'll take it. ) So, we'll see what this turns into. I'm at least reassured that she does care about me, she just holds on to some incorrect notions about things. Maybe knowing me will show her the truth (even though she told me she'll probably never change her views).
I am glad to be very wrong on how she would react. From your post she seemed just like my mother and with her you wouldn't want to tell her anything that she could hurt you with. I am proud of your bravery
