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Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by HermionieCullen, May 8, 2013.

  1. HermionieCullen

    Regular Member

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    So I have come out to my one bisexual friend :slight_smile:icon_bigg) and really want to come out to my other friends.

    I wanted to get an idea of their attitude towards the LGTB community (although I was fairly certain that they were pro gay) so I just brought the topic up in conversation a few days ago to gauge their reactions and see how they felt about it. They seemed to be pro gay (as in gay guys)but not pro lesbian. They made it clear that they thought lesbians were gross and it would be awkward to have a lesbian friend. They said that they wouldn't want to be looked at sexually by a girl (btw i don't see my friends like that) so they wouldnt want a lesbian friend.

    After that conversation I really don't know whether to still come out to them or not.

    I really need my friends there to support me but I am scared of being rejected. I really need some help. What do I do now??

    Sorry it's long and thank you soooooooooo much to anyone who reads this :slight_smile:
     
  2. Wow, are you me from 1 year ago? We seem to have been in very similar circumstances. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: But I'm not sure how valid my advice is when I'm not out to everyone in that particular set of friends.

    Either way, here go:

    1. Is your bisexual friend out to your other friends? If so, how do/did they react to her bisexuality? You might be able to get a more accurate gauge of their reactions to your coming out on that basis. Or maybe bring up the topic of LGTB community again and this time reason with them logically and in a serious mature manner to see if they change their tune at all. If you're worried about them questioning on your insistence on the topic you could always play it off as being intensely pro LGTB rights.

    2. Are they good friends? How well do they know you? How long have you known them for? Chances are if they're okay with the idea of homosexuality as a whole they're going to be okay with you - they mainly sound like they're just assuming with no precedent. As many people have said, homophobia is vastly different when you're directing it to someone with a face and a name especially if that someone is someone that they know and love. Also, if you've never 'checked them out' in the past, it's not like you're going to start now that you've come out - if that's any reassurance for your friends.

    2.5 Also maybe come out to them one by one instead of as one big group as it's less likely that a shared group mentality will take over and you'll be able to get more individual reactions - this might be a bit repetitious

    3. In very hopefully unlikely scenario that your friends reject you. I say reflect on whether or not you want to keep friends that hold such rigid views in face of hurting one of their own friends. Personally for me after having had some distance and hindsight I realise that although I would very much prefer to maintain those friendships I wouldn't trade it for the feeling of being more myself. It's hard but I it's true that you can always find new friends.

    4. Alternatively if you do believe your friends will be homophobic after you've come out and you wish to keep them as friends without them knowing you're lesbian you could just stay in the closet to this group of friends and find different friends that you can be out to if that's what you feel comfortable doing and if that's what feels healthy to you.

    So that's my two cents. Someone else please give an alternate perspective, I'm sure I've missed something or I have a massive flaw somewhere else.

    In the end, do what makes you happy. It's your sexuality, I don't really see how it could adversely affect them at all.
     
    #2 IHavePurpleHair, May 8, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: May 8, 2013
  3. HermionieCullen

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    Thanks heaps :slight_smile: I think I am going to try coming out to them individualy, to the ones I think are least likely to reject me first. They don't know my other friend is bi as she has only told a few people.
     
  4. some nights

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    I think that in conversation when group mentality takes over that it can be easy to jump on the band wagon and say whatever the group is saying, however stereotypical or ignorant it may be. My advice is like above, come out individually and just explain that it doesn't change the way you see them, just as any regular girl-guy friendship isn't all about sex or attraction.

    When I came out to my friends they didn't react any differently with me. I did it individually and made sure they felt comfortable asking any questions and talking about it if they needed or wanted to. Just be sure to have an appropriate, quiet environment so you can have that time to talk about it.

    Best of luck to you!!