I have a problem... well, my friend does. She’s being hurt by her boyfriend. She often gets humiliated by him too. He always gets mad at her with no reason, he is mean with her and he is uber jealous. The problem is that she doesn't seem to realize what's happening. Last night he hurt her again, and she told me. I'm glad she did. He took her arm very tightly, and she had to beat him up a bit so he'd let her go. She said her arm hurt after. And this morning, I asked her how it went last night, after she had talked to me, and she said he was now ok and they were happy. I said : "He told you he loved you huh" and she said "Yes :icon_bigg " (this was on msn). She seems to think it's not a big deal, that it's no problem. But it is... I believe, right? Last time he pushed her, because he was mad at her. He often humiliates her in front of his parents too. One time, his mother gave my friend something, and her boyfriend was behind his mom. And before she could say thanks, he whispered : "You say THANKS :evil: " . She can't have any privacy either, especially on msn; he'd like to read every single conversation she has with people. He usually starts crying when she's going back home, he says he'll miss her so much and he tells her he loves her. And he's so sorry about what happened blah blah blah. Duh... I mean, I would not even hurt her... so I don't understand how her boyfriend would. That girl is the nicest girl on Earth; she is so sweet and so supportive to me. Since I told her I'm gay, we are closer than we've ever been, she's a really good friend to me but I'm worried about her... So I don't know how to help her, I try and talk to her about it and I'm very serious about it, but she's like : "lol don't worry Emil I'm strong, he won't hurt me again" . It's not the first time she says that...
Oh wow! you really should convince her that if he done it more than once then he's gona do it again and again and again, "fool me once shame you, fool me twice shame on me" you have to make her realize that this is not normal in healthy relationships and that there's NO REASON whatsoever that justify the way he's treating her. you're a good friend Emil, i really hope she wakes up and take action.
It's a hard and tough position where you're at, since you won't be able to help her until SHE realizes by herself SHE has a problem. Be patient and show love. Make her feel comfortable. DO NOT TALK TRASH ABOUT HIM, EVEN IF HE'S AN ASS. You won't help an alcoholic telling and repeating him he is alcoholic, you will help an alcoholic by showing love and by being very supportive. Tell her you're with her all times. She will eventually see where she is and how she got there. Just don't be hard oh her for not opening her eyes fast. If her BF makes something worse, tell her she has all the right to call the cops, even thouhg it will hurt in the short-run, this will make her stronger. She will be a fighter.
Yeah you're right, but convincing her will be hard, I don't want to hurt her. It'll be like... breaking her heart . Anyways, thanks for the advice!
Yeah, thanks for the advice. I'll be supportive to her. I'm thinking of asking advices to the school advisor if he does something else.
>>>Yeah you're right, but convincing her will be hard, I don't want to hurt her. It'll be like... breaking her heart. Better her heart than her bones and her psyche. Lex
He's definitely become a control freak. The only solution I can think of is to let her know you'll be there for her, and not to drop it when she says he is fine. Good luck.
It sounds like her boyfriend has some serious control issues. When people are so possessive and aggressive with others, especially with their partner, it's usually because they're insecure about themselves and have some childhood issues that has gone unnoticed and unresloved and is now causing major trouble in their lives. Many times, having a mentally abusive and controlling parent rubs off on the child when they get older and a vicious cycle is born if they have a child. Your friend's kind and gentle demeanor is what fuels his fire. A lot of times, nice people get with jerks and bullies. And a lot of times, that makes it easier for the dominator to do his, well, dominating. He probably sees her as a weak and vulnerable girl (which I highly doubt she is) who'll take him back if he fakes a few tears and act like he really cares. I'd suggest to keep being a great friend and watch over her. I'd also suggest for her to break up with him though suggest psychiatric help and promise to be there for him, as a friend not as a partner. She should stick to her word and NEVER give in to his pleas and begs since she'll just be right back where she started and it'd just prove to him that he can charm and manipulate people into getting his way, no matter what. Best cast scenerio, he goes through therapy, talks to his family and friends about his problems, and becomes a better, happier person. Worst cast scenerio, he completely ignores your friend's suggestion, becomes even more possessive, and could become a serious threat to you and your friend's life if he finds out you're 'filling her head with talk about leaving him'. I know the worst case scenerio is a bit extreme, but it has happened before with other couples and it can happen again. Your friend deserves better and her boyfriend should get help before he moves on to another unsuspecting girl. Good luck and I hope your friend sees through his lies.
This is hard. I hope she comes to her senses before she marries the guy. I've been talking to a mother of a gay son on AOL for years whose husband is abusive and the same thing happens. He says he's sorry and it will never happy again but it does. I've said everything I can think of to try to get her to leave this relationship and she won't do it. Maybe if you could find somebody older who has been in this kind of relationship to talk with her, that would help.
Well thanks everyone for your advices!!! I'll defenitively use them. Though for the moment I'll only keep an eye on her, and see how things go. I'll take action if it's still the same or if it gets worse.
First I would like to say that you a wonderful friend to worry about her, and want to help her out with this problem (*hug*) Second, I think it would be best if you continued this way, being supportive, remind her that you are always there for her when she needs help, and try to explain to her that what is happening is not right. No one deserves to be treated like this, even though it seems to happen a lot, no one deserves to suffer like that. If you decide that you want to go into detail about her BF and all the things he is doing wrong and blah blah blah, make sure that you being very polite (the best you can) And try you best not to insult him Hope to hear how this progresses!
Wow, that's pretty extreme...In my personal opinion, your friend's relationship isn't truly a relationship. Relationships are about supporting, loving, trusting, and treating the other person right. Not being invasive, etc. Her best option, sadly, is to break up with him. I know, I know, he told her that he loved her. Usually, in a relationship like this, the abusive side only says that to exert power and control over the other. Basically, they use the 'love' angle to make the person feel guilty for not liking the abuse. She could try and get him psychriatric (sp?) help, but he's the one who has to want to change. She can't force him to stop being an abusive idiot.
she sounds like my friend Tammy in the sweetest girl on earth way. our pure and innocent little Tammy who we all playfully blame most things on. anyway just be supportive and don't talk bad about this evil minded jerk even though he sounds like one. just let her know that you are there for her and slowly tell her about what you think about this.
So, more than a YEAR LATER, I'm doing some kind of follow up on that... She broke up with him two times. The last time he was pissed, but like big time, and he started stalking her throughout the city. She went to a police office, to know what to do, and they told her to call 911 next time. He learnt about it and he stopped. Thank god... That was back in November 2008 I think. Now last week she got back with him, after having a few boyfriends and a few hookups, because she cannot live without a guy (and she admits it). I don't really know what to do, she's such a jerk! I don't even know if I should do anything since our friendship is kind of broken, at least to me... I feel like I don't even want to be her friend anymore, knowing she's doing something that will make her end up hurt. I hate that guy so much! :***: That guy RAPED her. So anyways, I don't think I'll do anything, I just wanted to update this thread.
You have attempted to rescue her several times. And each time, rather than pulling her out of the water, she has dragged you in. At this point, there's nothing much you can do. She has chosen to be in a dysfunctional, abusive relationship over being safe and sane. The only thing to do now is cut bait. Let her go. Tell her you love her and care for her. Which is why you're cutting contact. Because you can't bear to watch her reattach herself to this guy, where she's going to get hurt both physically and emotionally once again. And then...stick with it. Don't let her guilt trip you into being her lifeline. Cut contact until she dumps the guy. Lex
You said in your updated post that he raped her, when did this come about? Are you sure your not reading too much into it?
Well, she said, laughing and giggling (though I could tell she was nervous or something) : "I was like no! Stop it!" "And he wouldn't stop putting his thing... where you know..." "And I didn't like it" "I grabbed the curtains." "He wouldn't listen to me." "But it's kind of my fault I had told him a while ago I wanted to try it... though I didn't feel like trying that night." When she tells me about that stuff she's always laughing and she doesn't really make any sense, but that's what I remember (it was a year ago). And a confronted her about it later, because she wanted to get with him again, and she said : "It's something we all want to forget and no he's NOT PROUD of it." I kind of deduced that he raped her, in some way. Which is unforgivable, in my idea.
You've done what you can. People ultimately need to help themselves. Hopefully she'll see the light before it's too late.
