that they COMPLETELY lost the will to try and work things out? I have no idea what I'm talking about now, but after going from bad to worse yet again, I never felt more complete with just ending everything. And then I think that it's preety surreal because I don't think I will ACTUALLY do it. But I feel like I tried and one more time would burn me out completely. No need to call the cops, I'm obviously not attempting suicide now. I planned to tell my mother that I want psychological help today, but I just didn't. I actually feel considerably comfortable with the other idea. I feel nothing. I had my breakdown and now.. it's weird. I can get stressed when I think about what's coming up, but then it's like I'm sleeping awake.. doing nothing. I think of what things would be like without me and it's not anything that great. And when it crosses my mind what things would be like if I tried to pull myself together, I think of all the impossible things that are about to come up... I know for a fact that it's more than I could handle even if I had motivation. And I'm completely umotivated. Dead. Example... I had some tests this week and I didn't do any of them. Seems so pointless. I was stressed about them at first, but then I said screw it and moved on. Someone advised me to tell the counsler about my depression and grades but I don't want to do it cause it will make my issues way too known, but yet I do because this mood might not last forever and waking up would be hell. I think of all the things that are about to come and I know for sure I can't do anything about them. I'm in this "let's see how worse it can get" mood. Yeah... weird thread. But I guess that's instead of a psychological session.
I know that the second paragraph makes it sound like I just want to escape temporay problems but really, it's not temporay things. It's so many things attached together, including the fact I'm a trainwreck and have a messed up attitude. That doesn't change. My question is. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? How did that end?
Well to be honest i'd be lying if I said i've never looked for the easy way out of my problems. For me, coming to terms with being gay was coming to terms with a life of prejudice and watching my dreams of having a family fall between the cracks. I shut myself off from those around me, would stay up late into the nights and then be completely wrecked the next morning for school. It got to the point when I could think of little more than my 'problems' and my school work started to slip. In the end with less than 80% attendance in the final year if my 'A' Levels I could very well have been kicked out of school. Luckily i'd managed to lie, a play ill so much throughout the last term that I was allowed to sit my examinations which I passed... although I could have done MUCH MUCH better. The thing is that with hindsight all these problems which I used to class as massive, things which truly used to rule my life seems very small in contrast. I really wish I had done better at school and i'm trying my best to get back on top of things. But more than ever I regret not using the counselling services around me. Ironically I was a trained student counsellor and during my earlier years at the school helped alot of pupils by listening to their problems and trying to overcome them with them, I wasn't a shrink, just there to listen and to point in the right direction... but regardless of my experience from the other side of the fence, I couldn't bring myself to admit that I might need to discuss these things... to ask for help. For the majority of people it just helps to chat to people about things, I'm fortunate later to have met somebody on the internet who went through much the same as me... but a little sooner. So I luckily managed to talk to him and see how he managed to overcome this depression and has now settled down, got a good job and a healthy relationship - things I can now see as possible. Also having worked in a company with a number of other gay men and seeing how they weren't discriminated against made things much easier too. Don't get me wrong, i'm no way ready to out myself. And from time to time I do get the urge to end it all. But just as i'm tempted to do it, common sense kicks in.. reminding me of how i've been here before and how things will get better. They're rarely quite as bad as they seem. Just keep on reminding yourself that things will get better, talk to somebody at school in confidence (and get them to sign something to guarantee the confidence) if you think it will help your grades - giving your circumstances. And if you ever need to talk, there are many people on this forum, including myself who are more than willing to hear what you're going through and to offer any advice (or examples from our own experiences) that might help. Hope things get better mate, Jamie xx
I was in a similar situation a few years ago, losecontrol2. In fact, that whole thing about the tests and not doing them -- totally me. I attended my exams, but I was lost in space the entire time, and one of the grad students who helped out in lab saw me and asked me afterward, "Are you okay? You seemed a little spaced out during the test." I told him I was fine, and then he asked me if I was having girlfriend problems. !!! I could only chuckle at the irony before telling him no. I was like that for a whole quarter. Toward the end, I realized that one step I had to take was to come out to my parents, and I did. It wasn't easy, but I did. And to this day, it's still an awkward thing to talk about for us, but at least I feel like I'm doing my part, and that helps everything seem a little less overwhelming. But coming out to them wasn't a solve-all, end-all solution. Honestly... I don't really know how I got away from it. It just sort of passed over time, I guess. For me, new beginnings are key. I think ringing in the New Year, starting off w/ new classes (and no failed tests) in a new quarter at school -- those both sort of meant chances for a new beginning to me. I didn't improve very much that new quarter and still failed a test or two, but I got a little better. And then the next quarter a little better again. To be completely honest, I don't feel like I'm back to the person I used to be even now, 4 years later. I've just lost so much faith in myself. But I'm way, way, way better than I was 4 years ago. So that's how it worked out for me -- no punches pulled, just how it really happened. Good luck, guy. I'm w/ you in spirit.
Thanks! Your replies did put things in proportion. I was actually really on the edge when I made that post and had to cut out some parts.... but it's better for the moment. I still feel at peace when I mess things up for myself... I try to get myself to study but it's impossible. Yes, I shut myself off from everyone too. I stopped talking to my best friend just cause I hated myself and didn't want that person to feel it, and then when I had a new best friend, like 2 years later, I just ignored that person... because of my depression. That's actually preety recent. We just don't talk anymore. That first best friend still tries to stay in contact with me, and it's a real shame I don't want to, cause if it wasn't for my messed up attitude I'd have a nice friend. She's good but I want to be alone until I have a friend that can know about me. I talked to some gay people but I don't connect to them at all. Yes partally because they're gay. I actually talked to those people once and then cut them off completely so it's not a good example My entire attitude is bad. I don't see myself EVER happy with that attitude. That's why I don't see why am I even trying. I don't like the people around me in general. Some people get the easiest lives without even knowing it and I need to have so many issues just because of the side effects of being something I didn't choose. It's taken its toll too because I'm a different person... completely different from what I was going to be years ago. There's nothing I look forward to when I wake up. Not even a person I care to talk to. Having a school in all of that sure doesn't help. There are so many issues beyond that and when school crap kicks in, like tests, it's a reminder how numb I am and how I sabotage myself like I do with other things. Unlike you though, BaciListClostridium, I don't even know if I'll have another quarter... it's so bad. I made is such a big problem. I can't even make up for the lost material cause there's so much. And well, coming out wouldn't be ideal to me because my mother is a bitch about it when I just implied it. I'm not going to tell her. I did tell her about a psychologist though, and she said that it would be OK. then I asked her "when?" and she said "eh, I don't know". I asked a few hours later and she said the exact same thing again. It's been 2 days... is it crazy that i don't even want a psychologist all of a sudden? I can't bring myself to say "I'm gay".. I get this weird feeling that the person might be related to my future wife or SOMETHING like that. I don't like giving people that adventage to know about me... or maybe actually being myself is scary. I know that's cheesy but it could be true. I'm so tired now so I don't know how clear everything is but anyway thanks for your help.
I have had a few problems in my life, not only being gay but ive suffered from OCD since i was around 9, severe depression from the age off 12, and dropped out of school at 13 because of bad anxiety attacks where i was then house bound for around 3 years. I'm now 17 and i'm thankfully over the anxiety with alot of help from others and positive thinking and facing things and biting the bullet so to speak! still have bad OCD, and depression at times. I've thought and been deeply considering suicide many times, but i've never tried. I've had alot of help over the years and its helped alot. You need help if your considering suicide, talk with someone about it. the worst thing you can do is keep it to yourself and not tell anyone, you need to tell someone. you can allways talk with me if you like, and i'll do my best to help! You gotta try be positive about everything, negative gets you no where. I've felt so unmotivated over the years too, due to depression but it gets better. it takes time, but everything does get better. anyway hit me up if you want to chat. i think my msn is on my profile, feel free to add me! and have a chat
^ Kinda doesnt make sense, i guess you didnt wanna know about my problems. But basically if you wanna chat about your depression and problems with me, hit me up!
It does make sense actually. Thanks I don't have MSN but I'm going to. I have AIM and ICQ. It's my attitude plus the fact I have nothing to be positive about because I'm not looking forward to anything. Having a boyfriend could be nice but that's not really something you look forward to. I'm way too tired to explain things well right now.
I know, im the same. I need a bf/gf, too! i think it will help alot. Good luck with your search (!) I dont have ICQ/Aim :<
