Bromance or Romance?

Hi, first post here and I’m hoping to get some opinions on the situation I’m in with a close friend. I have no experience in working out any of this. I’m 20, he’s 19 and we’re in a writing and editing course together. We connect on many levels. We’re in a bromance but Monday seems to have crossed that line. Because I love him I realise I may not be objective enough to properly judge. I’m fairly sure he is at least questioning his current relationship/sexuality.

Sorry for the long, long post, but a lot has happened. Hope it’s an interesting read.

We first met in February of this year. He checked me out, looking at me with raised eyebrows, parted mouth and a tilted head (I was doing the same to him). In the third class things started to happen. When I pulled out a chair to sit opposite him and a few seats to his right, he pulled out a chair and made room for me to sit next to him. He ate a bit too much cake during the mid-lesson break and asked me to rub his stomach. I replied, "Not now," as I wouldn’t have been able to stop myself from doing… things. He was playfully amazed, “I asked him to rub my stomach and he's not doing it!"

In the next class, our classmates were talking about us, comparing him to a mix of Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson and me to Zac Efron mixed with Louis and a bit of Vin Diesel. He was looking at a Google Images search of Zac Efron and after looking at some shirtless images, said "Take off your shirt. Come on, take it off."
"Not here," I replied. I didn’t feel comfortable doing that in public. A classmate said we should do a gay porn parody of High School Musical together. I tried to raise the possibility in a joking manner to gauge his interest, but it came out sounding like I couldn’t take the idea seriously. I said I wasn't interested in "that stuff," meaning the porn industry, but it could have been interpreted more generally. He asked, "Why not?" I was startled by the question, but answered.

We've become increasingly intimate. Our accidental brushing together of limbs, for example, became more frequent and less accidental. Now, our arms, and less frequently, legs, press together, for far longer than a casual touch. When I need him to move his hand/s for something, he doesn’t move until ours have touched a little, even though he has time to move them. Once, he was talking about a song to a classmate sitting on my right (he was on my left), when he started quoting some lyrics (about love, like most songs), he touched my arm for a few seconds, so I turned to face him. He looked into at me and pointed towards my chest even though he had been addressing her.

In recent weeks, I've also been dropping increasingly stronger hints about my sexuality and my possible attraction to him (I don't want to give him a shock) Our sexual innuendo has become blatantly sexual statements. During a spelling test where hypothermia came up, I said, “Damp clothes are bad.”
He said, “We should strip naked and rub our bodies together.” He said he did know what hypothermia was and that it was about survival but that it made a good pick-up line.

Recently, I saw his recent searches on his iPad, (before a search term was entered), had about eight searches which included terms such as “drunk” “gay” “sex” “friend,” “meaning” and some …explicit terms.
“Is this what you like to search for?”
After a hesitation, he answered, “Ahh…it’s a friend,” with a small smile.
I told him that, “A train of logic has presented itself to my mind, but I won’t speculate… out of respect.” He gave me that quick grin/laugh hybrid he does a lot around me. I don’t see the reason for all these variations if he was only helping a friend out with a situation. He does drink a lot several days a week , so something might have happened. He says he drinks for fun. That he does this over being with his girlfriend may be meaningful. He has said that he feels detached from his emotions (and wrote this down in a notebook which he uses to write down his thoughts), but his emotions seem genuine in class.

I thought if he was questioning his sexuality, it might help if he thought I was going through the same thing, so I said to the class that, for some reason, I associated the 69 position with two guys (true), unlike every other position (not so true). Nearby classmates (though never my friend) talk about sex so I was able to slip this into the conversation. He put his hands onto the sides of his head (I saw him on the side of my vision) and a little after I finished, he slumped onto the table and looked at me with a really deep-in-thought look. He was distracted for a while after that. In an early class, (he came in late so we weren’t sitting together) when we were told that we should keep in touch with the people we felt an “affinity,” too, he turned right around to glance at me with a deep-in-thought look. We were already friends.

This Monday, a classmate brought in a LED board in a box. My friend partly took it out and was told to put it back in. He was having trouble so I helped him. I told him to put the wire back in layers and ended up doing that while he held the box. When I was putting the plug back in (which was very difficult), I said that I had to push it back in and then he started panting and making sex talk, as if he was…receiving me. He didn’t say my name, but when I got closer to putting it in, he made it sound like he was getting closer to an orgasm. He was distracted and deep-in-thought for a long time following what the class said and after I said “if he wants to do it…he can do it,” referring to what he had just done in class. Maybe he wondered if that applied to the real thing as well.

He didn’t say a word about his girlfriend until after I talked about a girl I really liked. This was the Friday of the fourth week, if I remember correctly. He was either downcast or bored but grinned when he asked if he could cyber-stalk her. When he did first say he had a girlfriend, he casually mentioned – in the next sentence – that he had relationships that had ended in the past. In the class after this he insisted on me seeing something he had sent to his girlfriend (an image about love) that he found “disgusting.” He said he wanted me “to share in my disgust.” He was pleased when I said I didn’t like the image. He called it really lame.

His home is a long distance away so he ‘couch-surfs’ between his girlfriend’s place and a friend’s place. This indicates that they may not be doing anything sexual with each other. Once when he was having trouble with a place to sleep for the night, I said my home was nearby. He didn't get the hint, so I had to repeat it and say "that was kinda an offer, you know." He thanked me, we discussed the distance to my home and how I normally got home and then he asked an odd question: "Do you shower?" My personal hygiene is at least as good as his. Here in Melbourne, it would be extremely rare to find a house without a shower. He was thinking hard about my offer for a surprisingly long length of time, looking upwards like he really didn’t know what to do. At last he shook his head and said,
“I have a car…I should probably go home.”
He might have thought that as I didn’t drive, maybe I didn't know the way to my house, but if so, he jumped to that conclusion - which makes the question about showering even more confusing, as well as redundant.

In our last class together, he and another friend roped me in for a future class party. I was worried about what I might do if I drank. He asked with a smile, “You’ll strip naked and sleep with everyone?” At the end of that class he took a snap with me and posed as if he was going to kiss me. I have BDD, (perception of my facial appearance varies) and that makes me very uncomfortable. I told him I hated having pictures taken of me. He took it anyway, apparently for SnapChat, also used by a number of his friends. If it was just a bit of fun, it was the first time he went ahead knowing I was feeling uncomfortable.

I believe he is struggling with an attraction to me and/or has some relationship problems and has been getting intimate with me to make up for a lack in his other relationships. How attracted is he to me? Could this all be just part of a bromance?

If is attracted to me, I don’t want to steal him from his girlfriend, but if their relationship doesn’t suit who he is, it wouldn’t be fair on her anyway, especially is he wants a serious relationship. Because of the stuff we’ve been doing, if I were to tell him too directly that I was bisexual, it might put him on the spot. If he is feeling confused about his feelings, asking me about whether the stuff he has done means anything might put pressure on him and he may not know what to do.

How can I talk to him about the situation? I was thinking about asking about the emotionally detached stuff. Or maybe note how close we and ask how I compare to his girlfriend? How direct can I be?

Raising LGBT stuff won’t work. This is Melbourne, Australia, not a conservative part of the US. We have a lesbian and a transgendered individual in our class and nobody in our class treats them differently to anyone else. Like about 80% of the younger generations here, everyone in our class, irrespective of sexual orientation, supports LGBT issues.

Thanks for reading all this. Any advice/opinions would be great.

 

Thanks for the responses. I should clarify with the Internet searches, that most, if not all of them had "drunk" as a keyword. Still, from what's being said here, it's a very good sign that he's questioning nonetheless. And if he's questioning, then chances are his actions are more than platonic.

A number of things have happened. I've noticed that since last Monday, he has started to make statements indicating he might be into guys. Last Thursday, he greeted one friend with a cute face with 'Hi, gorgeous.' He's one of the classmates who thinks we're attracted to each other. He was clearly uncomfortable at this greeting. He had a rather funny facial reaction, before he responded in a mock-gay fashion, with an exaggerated limp wrist.

Last night we a lecture class where we just listen and take notes. The friend I mentioned earlier does a lot of rape and expletive-based jokes and he made a joke about my close friend getting stabbed in the behind. My friend then made a joke about getting stabbed only in the behind and repeatedly (the stabbing, not the joke). He looked at me after he said this.

I also noticed him looking at me at one point during the lesson. I looked at him, thinking he might have something to say to me, but he didn't and we were looking at each other for about five seconds.

Finally, we're doing a co-op writing thing where we trade work, new or old, as long as it was ours and edit it. I found out he wanted me to be proud of his work (he's just started writing it) and he said he was proud of mine. I said that I didn't think I would feel proud, exactly. He asked, "Isn't that what friends do?"
I said, "I would feel satisfied, happy, but...pride is a strong emotion and I'm not at that point...yet." After I said strong emotion, it somehow felt like we were talking about us, so I ended up saying something different to what I was going to say (which was more of a definition of pride).
He leaned forward a bit and said, "I'm proud of you." Given the context, does this sound like it could have been a romantic statement?

If he likes me and was reading into this, at least it'll explain the mixed messages until I explain my feelings for him.

 

On Friday, we’re spending some time alone (we’re doing a co-op assignment) and I might be able to get a resolution to this then, if there’s an opening in the conversation.

He’s escalated things even further. I won't go into all the details.

He showed him his shirt relatively early in the class and I told him that it looked suggestive because the large logo had a phallic shape (though he didn’t see it, though he said it could possibly look like two phallic shapes) Towards the end of class he showed it to me again (it was under a jumper) and asked me if I thought it was sexy. He said that he knew I thought it was sexy and I admitted that I did.

It is because of this that I’m sure that he knows that I like him, or at least has known that I might like him in that way. He has no excuse for escalating things in the manner he has unless he wants to pursue something romantic/sexual with me and just hasn't been sure how I felt about it.

When some of our female classmates were talking about celebs they found attractive, he said that he had talked about guys he found cute with his girlfriend when they watch movies. He named several actors he considered cute and mentioned a guy that he would ‘turn gay for.’ Around this time, he mentioned a female in a certain movie he considered ‘bangable’ and said that in the past he had a “woman crush” on a certain actress. He went from sounding straight/bisexual to sounding gay in a few sentences.

I don’t think any straight person would use that term. It is common knowledge that the word 'crush' is used for on someone of the opposite gender. He also referred to a couple things as “hetero.” I asked him about it and he said that he didn’t like how people used the word “gay” in a derogatory way and that there was nothing wrong with being gay and that he was using “hetero” to refer to that which was ordinary, square, straight and dull. I don’t think he could possibly be straight having said that. He also sounds like he isn’t in denial or questioning his sexuality.

I’m hoping his girlfriend is just a girl friend, because that would make things a lot easier for me in terms of getting him. I also don’t want her feelings to be hurt and I think she would make a good friend.

Well, I should find out tomorrow.

 

This reminds of the deep-in-thought stuff my friend has done.

You're frightened of his reaction if you tried to kiss him, but you've both kissed his arm and touched his dick? If he's okay with that, it's safe to say he should be okay with a kiss on the cheek, if not a kiss on the lips.

There are two questions I would like to ask you:
Does he know you're bisexual?
What were the circumstances concerning the dick touching?

If he doesn't know you're bisexual, his flirting with girls may be due to trying to see how you'll react. You like him but don't want to risk ruining the friendship or making it awkward. Chances he, if he likes you, he also doesn't want to risk ruining the friendship.

If he's into you, he may think you're not into him and may flirts with girls in an attempt to prevent awkwardness in your friendship that (in his mind) might result from you thinking he likes you.

I would like to hear more before I offer advice.

I'll be posting an update of my own soon, but first I have to go to sleep. Its good news, but not entirely resolved just yet.

 

Okay, first up I wasn't able to talk to him about potential feelings for me directly because he's been absent due to some major stuff happening in his life. As in his sister going into foster care due to his abusive father. He's had to care for his mother and they've moved to his grandmother's place (grandmother on his mother's side, that is). He's been under a lot of stress and it showed when I last got a chance to talk with him. When I told him the class before that about my wanting to talk to him and that I would talk to him tomorrow (he had to leave early because he was going to a concert) he grinned and said it sounded like we were partners.

Our conversation was quite fruitful. Apart from learning about his personal situation, we also talked about what he meant when he said he was emotionally detached, which really meant that he pushes away his problems and emotions relating to them. In addition to an abusive father, he also have personal problems of his own which he didn't elaborate on (but seems to either be related to sexual identity or a sense of self-worth, perhaps due to a sense of helplessness) and at one point, four years ago, he was cutting himself. He's said he's better now, but he still has some problems. He moved out of his home when he was 15. I asked him if he was getting emotional support...
"...from counselling?" he asked.
"from friends or relationships," I finished. He said his best mate helps him out a lot and his girlfriend helps. I won't read into that, but on another occasion, he said to the class publicly that he was "only using her for transport." His consistent downplaying of his relationship with her suggests that it is true. What also supports this is his saying that he was really alone. He has said this a couple of times and it confused me, because saying that you have a girlfriend (and not making clear she is just a female friend) would make it harder to find a proper girlfriend. Then there's the timing of these statements. In one class, he said something that made me feel he was more serious with his girlfriend then I had thought. It was when he said that the statement, 'You cook, I clean' defined his relationship with his girlfriend. I forgot that because he was constantly couch-surfing that he would be staying with her a lot. I was depressed and it showed in my body language and maybe he picked up on it because his body language became depressed, as he muttered both that he was lonely and in emotional pain. Later that class, I remembered that maybe I was overreacting.

The second time, it was after I apologised for testing him earlier that class. He thought my sitting close to him had been my testing him (what would that be testing, anyhow?) I said it wasn't that and that what I was referring to was earlier, but I didn't say that it was earlier this lesson clearly enough (there was background noise).He said it was okay and then slumped and said he was alone. I had actually been testing him when he was drawing "titties," which to my relief, ended up being a full female. It annoyed me that he was drawing that (giving the possibility that he likes me, it's annoying and/or depressing to see anything that could potentially be a sign that he doesn't) so I criticised his drawing, including some minor stuff. I wanted to know what he would say under pressure. He said that he could say something about my nose but wouldn't (I had criticised his drawing of the nose). I said that he could and he just did. He followed up a little later by saying, "I like you for your personality." This could mean one of two things, either that he views me as a friend but realises I like him, or that he likes me for who I am and not just my looks. I doubt he was just saying that he likes my personality because, by definition, friends like each other's personalities. Plus, saying this after he said something critical of me after I said something critical of him sounds unduly apologetic. It was a minor thing and if anyone should apologise, it should be me for irritating him. He just returned in kind.

After class we were talking some more and I said that if he needed any help, just ask because that's what...friends do. I hesitated slightly because I didn't really want to use the term 'friends' in case that gave him the wrong impression. He has referred to me as a friend, but he refers to all his other male friends as mates, as if I'm in a slightly different category. I followed up by saying that I would do this even with those I'm not in some kind of a relationship with. He said that I seemed a very nice guy and really generous As we walked, he became a lot more distracted. I asked him if he was thinking about something and he eventually said that he was, but I don't know what about. He then asked me two redundant questions he answered himself - whether I would be present for the classes -(of course you'll be, you never them) and whether I was doing well with my subjects - (of course you are.) Given that we had been walking in a silence for at least half a minute, I wonder if he was considering asking me to help him out with his personal life (which can be a part of a close friendship). Or he may have picked up on my implying that we were in some kind of a more than friendship relationship and he wanted to be sure that I would be in class so we could talk later. (Even if I were on social networking sites, that would be the sort of conversation best done in person).

We stopped talking when we have to go different ways and there I met his girlfriend...who wasn't the girl he previously introduced as a girl friend, which raises a few questions considering what happened several weeks ago when... well, I'll get into that after I get some rest.

 

The last post is good news in the sense that having a girlfriend and being alone is a definite contradiction (if the relationship were serious). It wasn't good to hear about his other personal problems.

I should be seeing him tonight, unless something comes up and I hope to get a resolution then. He either likes me, or he's had serious problems finding someone he's interested in, which means I might have a chance as long as he's either curious or just open-minded.

I'll quickly relate what happened a few weeks ago, which recent events had shed new light on. Before class he was outside with someone he introduced as his girlfriend/girl friend (there was a slight, but noticeable pause between the syllables, so I'm not sure which of the two terms he was trying to say). I looked at him, noting the pause and nodding towards the girl, who was grinned widely, which isn't normal during introductions, but maybe that's just her. I said that I would wait inside (I felt awkward being around her given I would prefer him not to have a girlfriend.) I paused on the other side of the door, stretching, because I wanted to see I could hear something to explain the grinning.
I hear her say, "He likes you." and she didn't sound annoyed. I went and sat down, not wanted to be embarrassed. So I don't know if he dismissed it or whatever.

He didn't say anything to me on that matter. During the break, the girl was walking down the street a little to our left and he went to her. She was surprised and even more so when he and put his hands on her face. He was talking to her but I don't know what he was saying. I walked away, but one of my classmates was looking on. I heard him call her "Baby" in a romantic sounding voice and and my classmate told me he kissed her on the cheek. Given the other stuff he had done before this point, I wasn't sure if he was going through the motions or had some level of feelings for her, but I was convinced that she was his girlfriend. It turns out she wasn't.

What confuses me is that if he likes her instead of his girlfriend, why doesn't he just go with her? He may not want to hurt his current girlfriend's feelings, but given that he's alone and his relationship with her isn't that serious, I would have thought that wasn't as much a factor. Maybe he just flirts with all his close friends, but if so, why was she surprised?

Anyway, I talked with my classmate for a bit and my friend joined in. When the two of them were talked, I walked quickly away because I was annoyed. Given her surprise, I felt he didn't need to walk over to her if he was just going through the motions with her and I was thinking he probably didn't have any feelings for me at all. Maybe his relationship with his girlfriend had recently become more serious.

He caught up with me, made a comment about me getting exercise and seemed particularly happy (which I attributed to being around his girlfriend, which made me feel worse.)
"Can we talk?" he asked.
"Isn't that what we're doing right now?" I replied, confused.
"Well, yeah, I guess." I stepped into the place where we were getting food and he didn't follow up.

Given that she wasn't his girlfriend and his clearly wanting to ask me something serious, it is possible that this girl was just a friend and he might have been testing me to see if I liked him. It can be hard to ask a friend about that sort of thing, so I can understand why he might have done that. If so, he's at least flattered by that, as he has shown absolutely no signs of discomfort. If this is the case and he's been playing with me, I'll tell that it only makes things worse for me.

Or, he likes me in turn or is curious about at least giving a relationship with me a try but wasn't (and still isn't) sure if I like him to the point that I would be with him. Given that he pushes his problems away, if he has feelings for me, he is the kind that wouldn't ask me about it unless he was very, very sure. I think it is more likely that he likes me, because some of the stuff that has happened doesn't fit with just being playful - being curious about my choice in underwear and talking about being alone, for example.

Well, if he shows up I'll find out. Best of all, if he turns me down, hope isn't entirely lost because he could still be working out his feelings or in the closet. I'll just be sure to ask questions that might tell me a little too much. :icon_bigg